Somehow, we’re already at this season’s final episode, and despite my confusion about that fact, our friends are diving right into the action. At the morgue, New Guy examines the body of a murder victim (stabbing, pretty typical) and then assigns a lead investigator. Will it be Hardscrabble, who’s practically begging for the job? No, it’s some other dude we’ve never seen before! Rude!
Hardscrabble: Uh, you put him in charge? What gives?
New Guy: He’s got informants in the victim’s neighborhood. I assign roles based on stuff like that for every case; it’s not personal.
Hardscrabble: Yeah, I kinda call BS on that. I haven’t led a case in months. I’ve tried so hard to fit into your new system, but you clearly don’t want me here. You probably hoped I’d get fired when you came on board.
New Guy: I actually think this is about you being jealous that I got the job and you didn’t.
Hardscrabble: My coworkers respect me. I could make your job very difficult.
New Guy: Bummer. Guess I’ll just have to muddle through.
Am I… feeling the need to defend Hardscrabble? Who has previously been nothing but a butthead?
Later, at the pub, Hardscrabble pounds the rest of his beer before getting up in front of all his coworkers to make a little speech. The gist? New Guy’s methods stink, he’s ruining everything, and we ride at dawn. Unfortunately for Hardscrabble, not a single one of his colleagues is on board with this attempted mutiny. They LIKE New Guy. It’s not Hardscrabble’s finest moment.
The next day, over at Victoria Mars’ house, things are more chaotic than usual. Surprisingly, the mess isn’t our detective friend’s fault: all the stuff everywhere belongs to Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, who’s going to be moving in right after the wedding.
Ivy: It’s sweet!
Victoria Mars, probably really regretting agreeing to her new roommate: No comment. How are the wedding plans going?
Ivy: There’s so much to do! I’m adjusting everyone’s clothes, and also making the cake! Anyway: thank you again for being so cool about Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat moving in. It means a lot to me to be able to stay here with you. Also it’s gonna be fun!
Victoria Mars: I’m sure. Just ask him to stop bringing his stuff?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, walking in with a new box of stuff: Oh hi, roomie! I think this is the last of it.
Ivy: Babe, get out, I’m working on my dress! It’s bad luck!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: How can anything be bad luck when you’re marrying the most beautiful woman in the world!?
Ivy: Isn’t he sweet, Vic?
Barmey the Morgue Bureaucrat: Oh, speaking of you: I found your bag right in the middle of the hall, so I put it in your room. You should probably tidy up in there, it’s a mess!
This is going to be so fun. For me, at least. Sorry, Victoria Mars.
Escaping from her pseudo parents, Victoria Mars heads across town to visit New Guy, where she knocks on the door and waits to be invited in, like some kind of normie.
New Guy: Are you ok? Manners aren’t usually your thing.
Victoria Mars: Hardy-har-har. Just stopped by to bring you an invoice.
New Guy: And as I’ve mentioned, those go to accounting. And since I can just tell you’re about to ask: no, there are no cases I need you to help me solve. But I do have something for you: the latest copy of Forensic Science. I picked it up special as a thank you for giving New Kiddo an office tour. Apparently I’m not her favorite detective anymore.
Victoria Mars:
I don’t know what to say.
New Guy: Thank you and goodbye? So that I can keep working?
Victoria Mars: God you’re such a weirdo. Thanks! Bye!
Bro, you are in so much trouble (and yes, the “bro” refers to both of you). Anyway, on her way out, Victoria Mars runs into Hardscrabble (unsurprisingly, grumpy) and then Baby Detective, who fills her in on what happened.
Baby Detective: I wish I had been there — I could have talked him down.
Victoria Mars:
Baby Detective: No, but I’d have tried.
Just then, Baby Detective’s weirdo father, Unpleasable Commissioner, comes in and tells his son that he’s being summoned for a family dinner that very evening. Baby Detective, who is unfailingly polite, attempts to introduce his friend to his dad. It… doesn’t go well. Unpleasable Commissioner ignores Victoria Mars entirely, barks out the time and location of the evening’s dinner, and leaves.
Baby Detective: It’s my mom’s birthday. She always tries to get us to get along.
Victoria Mars: Yikes. Good luck!
He’ll need it. Despite the fact that Baby Detective’s mom is a nice, thoughtful person, his dad is, as ever, a rude, obnoxious jerk who’s completely uninterested in his son’s actual personality, so things are… tense.
Unpleasable Commissioner: Well, this place sucks. Too expensive, and I don’t like either of you. I’m gonna get the check so I can go do my club. If ANY OF THESE SERVERS WOULD DO THEIR JOB!
Baby Detective: Dude, it’s mom’s birthday, can you be cool? I’ll get the check if you want to just leave.
Unpleasable Commissioner, storming out: Fine. Take your mother home.
Baby Detective: God he’s a jerk. Oh, mom, I’m so sorry I upset you.
Mama Detective: No, I’m not upset at you: it’s something else. Just take me home, ok?
PLEASE let Unpleasable Commissioner be up to something illegal so we can arrest him and be done with it! He’s the worst!
The next day, Victoria Mars arrives in the kitchen to find that Ivy is already baking up a storm, which is bonkers, but hard to complain about since Victoria Mars is the recipient of part of the test batch.
Victoria Mars: Hey, don’t get flour all over my new book! New Guy bought that for me.
Ivy:
Victoria Mars: How can I help with the baking?
Ivy: You can’t. But I love you anyway.
Smart move, Ivy. Later, over at her office, Victoria Mars raves at Accountant about her new book. He doesn’t care about forensics but IS excited to share what he’s reading: a 900 page book about accounting. Thankfully, before he can elaborate, a potential client appears. A potential client with a delicate matter to discuss. A potential client who I’m just now realizing is Baby Detective’s mom.
Victoria Mars: It’s so great to finally meet you. Your son is a great person and a very good detective. You must be so proud!
Mama Detective: I’m not sure I should even be here. I’ve stood outside many times trying to decide if I could come inside.
Victoria Mars: Well now that you did… whatever you tell me will be confidential.
Mama Detective: I’ve been married for 30 years. I’ve put up with all of his horrible behavior, but there’s one thing I can’t ignore. His cheating. He’ll go out for hours at night and say he’s at the club, but I know he’s lying: I talked to the wives of the guys he’s supposedly hanging out with, and they haven’t seen him. And then last week I found a florist bill. This man has been buying dozens of red roses, and they’re not for me. I just need to know the truth.
Victoria Mars: I can see how horrible this has been for you, and I’m SO sorry. But taking this case would put me in a terrible position, both with your son and at work. Given your husband’s job there would be a lot of risk to my business.
Mama Detective: I totally get that, but I can’t go to anyone else. I’m desperate.
Who could say no to that? Certainly not Victoria Mars, which is how she ends up following a bouquet-toting Unpleasable Commissioner later that evening, and watches him get welcomed into the home of a barely dressed young man.
The next morning, she starts to explain what happened to Accountant, who is understandably very unhappy that she took the case. If this goes wrong, Victoria Mars could be blacklisted by the police!
Accountant: I sure hope you didn’t tell her what you saw yet.
Victoria Mars: No, because it’s more complicated than I thought.
Accountant: More complicated than the police commissioner having an affair with a young man?
Victoria Mars: Yep. I waited until he left, and was about to tail him, but right after, the guy he was meeting left too. He went to a bar, had half a drink, and then left a bag behind under the table. I tried to go investigate, but bumped into another patron, and missed the part where someone TOOK the bag. I think it was a handoff.
Accountant: I know you’re just gonna ignore me, but you should NOT keep investigating this. Tell Mama Detective you didn’t see anything, and move on.
I think that’s unlikely, especially after what happens next. Across town, a large, scary looking guy is tailing Baby Detective. But our young friend has gotten better at his job, so he hides, and then attempts to arrest his tail. Unfortunately, the large, scary looking guy has a larger, scarier looking friend who jumps Baby Detective from behind. Baby Detective’s boxing lessons have paid off, but he’s still no match for two big dudes wailing on him at once. Once he’s down, they rob him and walk off without a word.
Later, in hospital, a concussed Baby Detective tries to remember what happened in order to tell New Guy. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a lot to share: he can barely remember their faces. He’s just found out that the pocket watch his mother gave him was stolen, when the woman in question comes in, horrified.
New Guy: I will find who did this. I promise.
Leaving Baby Detective to be fussed over, New Guy heads out into the hall, where a whole gaggle of detectives wait for an update.
New Guy: Our friend was attacked. The best way we can help is to stay calm. Since we don’t have a good description, we’re going to need to go door to door. And I need a list of everyone he’s arrested or charged. Lean on every informant you have. Do whatever it takes! Everyone can leave, but Hardscrabble, hang back: I know you don’t like me, but now isn’t the time for grudges. If I get even a hint of resentment during this case I will fire you.
Hardscrabble: I want to find this garbage person as much as you do. Maybe more. I’m surprisingly fond of the kid, ok?
Hardscrabble follows the rest of his fellows out, and Victoria Mars arrives. She’s just asked New Guy if he’s positive this was just a robbery (which is a weird question, and New Guy knows it) when Mama Detective exits her son’s room. The two women pretend that they’re meeting for the first time, before Mama Detective leaves to find a doctor.
New Guy: That was weird. You’re being weird. If you knew something you’d tell me, right?
Victoria Mars: Mhm. Yup!
Except that’s not true, because later that evening, she tells Accountant that she’s pretty sure this wasn’t just a random robbery, and was in fact related to whatever’s going on with Unpleasable Commissioner.
Accountant: Well, did you tell New Guy?
Victoria Mars: No, because Mama Detective was there, and I had to protect her confidentiality.
Accountant: Not if someone’s life is in danger.
Victoria Mars: Can you just be positive, for once?
No, no he can’t: two scary Russians have arrived and pulled guns on our friends. After a tense silence, the first scary Russian speaks.
Scary Russian 1: Have you listened to it?
Now obviously, nobody knows what he’s talking about, but Scary Russian doesn’t believe their confusion, because he knows that Victoria Mars followed Unpleasable Commissioner the other night.
Scary Russian 1: We know you saw him with Aleksey, and we know you took Aleksey’s bag, and have what was inside. So: have you listened to it?
Victoria Mars: Ah, now I see. I didn’t take the bag — someone else got it.
Scary Russian 1: You’re lying. And you have five seconds to tell me the truth, or Scary Guy 2 here will shoot your friend in the head.
Victoria Mars, can’t let Accountant get shot: I haven’t listened to it. But I have it.
Scary Russian 1: Where is it?
Victoria Mars: Somewhere safe. And I’m not taking you; you’ll just kill us. In fact, I will NEVER tell you where it is if you hurt my friend here.
Scary Russian 1: Ok, so what do you suggest?
Victoria Mars: I’ll go get the bag, and what’s inside, and then I’ll leave it here, with the door unlocked, tomorrow night. Don’t try and follow me, or I’ll go right to the cops.
Scary Russian 1 and 2 apparently decide this is as good as it’s gonna get, and leave. Does Victoria Mars have a single idea of where that bag is? Nope! So, this will be fun.
Meanwhile, over at Scotland Yard, Unpleasable Commissioner has just swanned in to talk to New Guy. He claims he’s been out of town all day, and only just heard what happened to Baby Detective.
New Guy explains that they’re still investigating, and don’t want to make any assumptions about why this happened just yet. He also asks if Unpleasable Commissioner can think of anyone who’d want to hurt Baby Detective.
Unpleasable Commissioner: Nah. He’s a loser, but he doesn’t make enemies.
New Guy: Hm. And what about you? Sometimes people try to get at powerful men through their families.
Unpleasable Commissioner: No, and I won’t even consider it! You’re wasting our time!
Now obviously, that response is a red flag, and New Guy knows it. Across town, Victoria Mars and Accountant leave the office. Unfortunately they have no leads on the missing bag, other than the fact that it’s almost certainly connected to the attack on Baby Detective. Since there isn’t much they can do tonight, they agree to sleep on the problem, and Victoria Mars lets herself into what sounds like an empty house. But it’s not. A strange woman, who I’ll be calling Sinister, for reasons that I hope are clear, has made herself at home in Victoria Mars’ parlour.
Sinister, taking in the heaps of Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat’s stuff: Gotta say, your home decor sucks.
Victoria Mars: What did you do with Ivy?
Sinister: Oh, she went out on the town with a super talkative guy. Bummer for her.
Victoria Mars: Do you always break into people’s houses like this?
Sinister: Yeah, kind of my deal. You can run, if you want, but my scary goon here will catch you. Sit down, let’s chat!
Victoria Mars: Hang on, you’re the lady who bumped into me at the bar the other night! You were a decoy to prevent me from getting the bag! Who are you?
Sinister: Don’t worry about it, I’m not telling you my real name. Anyway, you need to stop investigating Unpleasable Commissioner.
Victoria Mars: What if I don’t though?
Sinister: Think of the worst thing that could happen to you. Scary Goon will do that.
Victoria Mars: Ok! You drive a hard bargain!
Yeah, kinda hard to argue. Back at Scotland Yard, Hardscrabble reports in to New Guy: he’s shaken down every informant he knows, with no success. The other guys have had the same experience.
Hardscrabble: But there’s one person I haven’t asked. Someone very well connected.
New Guy: A criminal?
Hardscrabble: Yeah, kind of the worst one possible.
New Guy: Who?
Hardscrabble: My uncle.
LMAO, reader, you are never gonna guess who Hardscrabble’s uncle is, so I’ll just tell you: it’s Scary Gangster, from episode 4. New Guy isn’t super impressed to find out about this, but they don’t have a ton of alternatives, so despite a rumor that Scary Gangster might have put a hit out on Hardscrabble when he joined the force, the two police officers head off to Scary Gangster’s bar for a chat.
Scary Gangster: You never visit. What gives?
Hardscrabble: I’m here now, aren’t I?
New Guy: Nobody knows what goes down in this city better than you, and we need your help.
Scary Gangster: Why would I help you?
New Guy: Because I’d be in your debt. And I wouldn’t welch on that, even though I’m a very by the book kind of guy. Look, one of my guys got hurt badly, I’ll do whatever it takes to get answers.
Scary Gangster: See, Hardscrabble, that’s why he got the job instead of you. You could learn from him!
Hardscrabble, ignoring that: What do you know?
Scary Gangster: Fine, but only because you’re a relative. There’s a newspaper man. He knows every cop in his neighborhood. Your friend bought a paper there, and my friend saw that he was followed. That’s all I know.
Hey, a lead’s a lead! Outside, Hardscrabble prepares to go wait for the newspaper man, even though it’s the middle of the night and the guy won’t show up for hours.
Hardscrabble: So, I’m guessing I’m done for now, huh? You know my back story.
New Guy: Or: you’ve got access to a useful resource and you were brave enough to tell me about it. Go find that witness.
The next morning, bright and early enough that I’m not sure it really counts as morning, Victoria Mars arrives in New Guy’s office.
Victoria Mars: I need to talk to you. There’s a lot to cover, so I’ll just tell you on the way.
New Guy: On the way where, exactly?
Victoria Mars: Let’s go, keep up!
Reader, they’re headed to the address where Victoria Mars saw Unpleasable Commissioner meet with the mysterious Aleksey.
New Guy: And the Russians now think you stole this bag.
Victoria Mars: More importantly, whatever was inside it, which is something you can listen to. No clue what, and I don’t know how Sinister and Scary Goon are involved. Anyway, Aleksey isn’t home now, so we can go poke around.
New Guy: Just for the record, I KNEW you knew something you weren’t telling me at the hospital. I knew it!
Inside the apartment, one thing is quite apparent: Aleksey has very fancy taste. Despite the modest neighborhood, the furnishings are sumptuous. Just what rich guys like Unpleasable Commissioner would like! Anyway, New Guy finds a wax cylinder, which definitely could fit the “did you listen to it” brief. And side note: since wax cylinder recordings were first commercialized right around the time this episode is set, I think we have to assume that whoever created said cylinder has resources..
Victoria Mars: Hm… it doesn’t look like Aleksey has a phonograph we can use.
New Guy: Maybe not. But I do!
Meanwhile, Hardscrabble has indeed spotted the newspaper man. He’s about to approach when someone gets there first: Scary Goon, who is clearly threatening the witness. Hardscrabble makes himself scarce to watch, and then follows Scary Goon when he gets into a cab with Sinister and drives off.
Back at Scotland Yard, New Guy is setting up the phonograph to play the cylinder they discovered. The downside? The recording is in Russian. The upside? New Guy learned basic Russian in the military.
The transcription: When the clock strikes 9, Aleksey must come to the place where his favorite bird lives. His grey haired friend will be [???].
While New Guy starts looking through a dictionary to find out what will happen to the grey haired friend, Victoria Mars muses that they’re probably talking about Unpleasable Commissioner. This isn’t great news, because it turns out that the unknown word translates to “erased.” At 9. Which is 30 minutes from now. Before they can think more about the bird themed meeting location, Hardscrabble arrives with an update. He managed to follow Sinister and Scary Goon to a warehouse district before he lost them. The address? Blackbird Lane.
A short while later, New Guy and Hardscrabble burst into a warehouse just as Unpleasable Commissioner has found out that he’s been betrayed by Aleksey. They tell Scary Russian 1 that they’ve got backup coming and the place is surrounded, which looks like it’ll work… at least, that is, until MORE scary Russians arrive on the scene and start shooting at the police. It’s not looking good… but then Scary Goon joins the party and shoots Scary Russian (yes, this is just as confusing for me as it is for you). New Guy tells Scary Goon to lower his weapon. No luck.
Sinister, making an entrance: Ok, everyone just calm down. Scary Goon, you can do as he says.
Victoria Mars, also making an entrance: Everyone ok in here?
New Guy: I told you to wait in the car!
Victoria Mars: I heard shots, dude, I wasn’t gonna just twiddle my thumbs about it. Sinister, who ARE you?
Sinister: British Intelligence.
That pretty effectively gets everyone to fully drop their weapons. And, notably, makes Unpleasable Commissioner VERY unhappy indeed. Someone, it would seem, has been a very bad boy. Back at the office, Sinister explains her role: she’s part of a very hush hush department, and she also has a cool codename: the Governess. The Governess and her crew have been monitoring Unpleasable Commissioner for some time. It turns out that the Russians have been working to groom him for some time using Aleksey as a honeypot. Aleksey’s job had been to find out the security arrangements for a new shipyard, and Unpleasable Commissioner was well placed to share that information.
Victoria Mars: Yikes, did he mean to be a traitor?
The Governess: Oh, definitely not. He’s a doofus. But then the Russians found out that Victoria Mars had discovered their operation, and that put Unpleasable Commissioner in jeopardy. Since I’m here, can you also give Baby Detective back his stuff? We had to make sure he wasn’t part of his dad’s mess. Unfortunately for him, he’s good at his job and realized we were following him. My guys had no choice but to cover their tracks. His fault for fighting back!
Victoria Mars, Hardscrabble, and New Guy:
The Governess: I’m… sorry about his involvement.
Hardscrabble: Involvement? He has a terrible concussion!
The Governess: Everything I just told you has to stay in this room. No leaks; there would be punishment, and not punishment that I could prevent.
Victoria Mars: What about Unpleasable Commissioner?
The Governess: Oh, he’ll be forced to retire and move out to the countryside for a quiet life. He doesn’t want anyone — especially his family — to find out what he got mixed up in, obviously. Anyway, I’m off to be a super spy. Have a great day!
Hardscrabble: I’ll head out too; I’m gonna go check on the kid.
New Guy: Before you go: that was good work.
Hardscrabble: Thank you… Skipper.
Awwwww. Hardscrabble! Once he leaves, New Guy offers Victoria Mars a very welcome drink, yet another sign that the squad is starting to function as a unit. Later, as Victoria Mars is leaving, she asks New Guy if he’s ever met someone like The Governess.
New Guy: Nope.
Victoria Mars: I mean, I kind of knew that we must have female spies. But she was in CHARGE.
New Guy, staring at Victoria Mars: Yes, a very impressive woman.
Look, I don’t know which “she” he’s referring to, but regardless, he’d be right. Separately, we need more women around this show, so I for one hope that The Governess comes back next season. But THIS season isn’t over yet: did you forget about a certain little wedding?? Over at Victoria Mars’ place, a group of revellers have just toasted to the newlyweds. In the corner, Victoria Mars chats with Baby Detective, who’s recovered enough to attend the festivities.
Baby Detective: Oh man, did you hear the good news? My dad’s decided to retire and move to the country. He’ll be far away! Yay!
Accountant, wandering over:
Victoria Mars: Dude, that’s your third one! And to think that when we met you didn’t drink at all…
Baby Detective: So Victoria Mars has driven you to drink?
Accountant: Let’s just say there’s never a dull moment in our office. LOL! This champagne is delicious. Must be expensive.
Victoria Mars: Yes, and I’m paying for it, so you can put that in the ledger later!
The thought of all that money out the door sobers Accountant up pretty darn quick. Just in time for Hardscrabble to join the group, bearing cake for Baby Detective. He pretends like it’s some big hardship, but obviously the two have bonded over the years, which I just love. Notably NOT present from the police force? New Guy, who I think we all assumed would be in attendance.
Baby Detective: Oh, he was invited, but his kid’s sick. She’s gonna be fine, but he’s with her. And he still sent his carriage to my place so I could get here! He’s the best!
After a quick chat with the newlyweds, the whole party moves outside to shower the happy couple with confetti. Ivy and Victoria Mars share a tight hug. And then, once everyone’s left, Victoria Mars is all alone. She starts the process of cleaning up, which brings her to the kitchen, where she spots her gifted forensics book. On a whim, and still wearing her fancy party clothes, Victoria Mars drops by New Guy’s house.
New Guy: Hi?
Victoria Mars: Look, sorry to bug you, but I heard New Kiddo was sick. Since you had to miss the wedding, I thought I’d bring you both some cake.
New Guy: You came all the way over here to bring cake?
Victoria Mars: Yes? How’s she doing?
New Guy: Better. This is so nice, thank you.
Victoria Mars: Ok, well have a good one.
New Guy: Actually, hang on. Do you want to come in?
Victoria Mars: Yeah. I’d really like that.
Oooooooooooooh. Where is this going? How will Victoria Mars adjust to life with two married roommates? What will the new Police Commissioner be like? For those answers, we will have to wait: while it seems likely that we’ll get another season with our friends, it isn’t confirmed yet. In the meantime, I’ll be back next month recapping Call The Midwife, and covering all our other great dramas. See you then!
