This week’s episode finds us in prison, listening to the ever-delightful Detective Mustache read aloud whilst drinking whiskey. Less delighted thank I by this frankly idyllic scene? The prison guard Detective Mustache has been bribing to supply the aforementioned booze (who, it seems, has not been paid in some time). But rather than quibble over cash, the guard delivers an update: the Governor wants to see our friend. Why? A committee has been dispatched to shorten the sentences of select prisoners due to overcrowding, and Detective Mustache? He’s just good enough at flimflam to convince the committee to let him out. Immediately.
Before we can see what shenanigans he gets up to, we check in with Ivy, who’s heading in to work at a much more civilized hour after her recent promotion. This, as you might expect, has only made Ivy an even more prominent member of the New Guy Fan Club.
Ivy: He’s the BEST, seriously. All the ladies at work are obsessed with him, and honestly, I get it. Man’s hot!
Victoria Mars: Hmmm.
Ivy: I’m just saying. Don’t you agree?
Victoria Mars: It doesn’t matter what I think.
Ivy: That’s not an answer, is it?
Victoria Mars: Please Ivy, I’m in no mood: I have to go meet with Snooty about our lease.
Snooty, as you may recall, is Mrs. Parker, the wealthy neighbor who owns Victoria Mars’ house AND doesn’t exactly approve of her whole deal.
Ivy: Maybe you should marry some nice man. A hot one, perhaps!
Victoria Mars: Don’t tease me. I don’t like it.
Ah yes, but Ivy does, and so do we, so there you are. Anyway, while Victoria Mars suffers, Detective Mustache heads over to her office where he reunites with Accountant.
Accountant: So good to see you! Who did you bribe to get out?
Detective Mustache: Nobody! So there! But speaking of money…
Accountant: Yeah, bad news: all of your accounts are empty; we had to pay your legal fees, bribe those guards, and pay off the judge. You’re broke. And your license was revoked, so you can’t be a working private investigator.
Detective Mustache: Yikes, way to be negative! I need to turn this around. I can’t stay at the lodging house the prison arranged — did you know it’s full of criminals?
Accountant:
Detective Mustache: You know, what I really need is an office to work out of. Like this one!
Accountant: She’s… not gonna love that.
Probably not, but since she’s already having a weird day, perhaps she’ll be in a forgiving mood! Now when I say weird, I mean it: Victoria Mars has just been invited to join Snooty and a mysterious doctor friend for tea.
Victoria Mars: Oh… are you ok, Snooty?
Snooty: Oh, totally! He’s just here for fun. I totally forgot you were coming today, I just lost track of time!
Oooooh. Get it, Snooty! With a final flirty hand kiss, the mysterious doctor takes his leave, giving Snooty the opening she needs to gush about her crush. The best part? She’s in such a great mood that she keeps the rent exactly where it’s been. A welcome surprise! Low rent secured, our pal heads to her office, where she’s delighted to find Detective Mustache lurking outside.
Victoria Mars: Aww, you’re out! Who’d you bribe?
Detective Mustache: Why does everyone keep asking me that?
Me:
Victoria Mars: Regardless, so great to have you back — we’ve missed you!
Detective Mustache: Well, since you brought it up… can I share offices with you? Pretty please?
Victoria Mars: I can’t believe you already kicked Accountant out of his desk. Ok, here’s the deal: you can stay for a week, but you can’t involve me — or him — in any of your shenanigans.
Detective Mustache: Deal.
Oh Victoria Mars, you goof: don’t you realize neither of you ever follow the terms of your agreements with colleagues? Either way, I don’t care: I’m too excited for whatever chaos our buddy will bring to the table.
Meanwhile, at the morgue, Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat is whistling while he works off a wedding ring his assistant neglected to remove from a corpse when Ivy arrives.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: AHA got it! A win! And I have another win to share: as you know, I got a raise with my promotion. So… I found us better lodging! A house, out in the fancier part of town.
Ivy: We’re not even married yet though?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: I know, but I’m planning ahead! It’s amazing, you’re gonna love it: I got an appointment for you to see it tomorrow!
Hmmmm, Ivy’s not nearly as excited about that as her fiance. Is it because it’ll mean moving out of the home she shares with her roommate/employer/surrogate daughter? Is it because, if my googling is correct, this new house is extremely far away from Ivy’s job? Hopefully she’ll tell us (and more importantly, Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat) soon!
Anyway, later that night, Detective Mustache is heading back to his lodging and ends up passing what I can only describe as a central casting bad neighborhood street scene: drunken fighting, random fires, and sex workers plying their trade. He’s bucking up to go in there, just until he gets back on his feet, when the man who rubber stamped his release earlier in the episode calls out from a nearby cab. There isn’t anything for it: Detective Mustache goes with him.
Fancy Paperwork Guy: So, we didn’t let you out because of overcrowding. I pulled strings.
Detective Mustache: Well in that case, thanks!
Fancy Paperwork Guy: I didn’t do it to be nice. You ran the best agency in this town, which means you can get stuff done. Including weird stuff.
Detective Mustache: Brother: I LOVE weird stuff. Explain.
Fancy Paperwork Guy: Here’s the deal: I have an embarrassing younger brother. He’s in a lot of debt to a lot of people, including a certain Mr. Cooper.
Detective Mustache: Yikes. Mr. Cooper the scary gangster? That’s not good.
Fancy Paperwork Guy: Indeed. He’s doomed. I could let it happen, but I need to try and help. I want you to find him.
Detective Mustache: Small problem: I don’t have a license.
Fancy Paperwork Guy: Let’s not pretend you care about the legalities, ok? Find my brother, and get him on a ship heading for Australia that leaves this Friday, or you’re going back to prison, probably for an extended sentence. Don’t look so glum: I’m gonna pay you. I’ll just need proof that you found my brother, and then I’ll give you the cash and his ticket.
And, caught between a rock and a hard place, Detective Mustache has no option but to agree. The next day, Ivy talks over her possible impending homeownership with Victoria Mars.
Ivy: The house is fine. The location is fine. I just don’t like it. Too… drafty?
Victoria Mars: Drafty, huh? How did your fiance feel about that?
Ivy: He’ll get over it. What?
Victoria Mars: Ugh, I hate to say this, but I feel sorry for him? He’s trying to find you the perfect place, and honestly the house sounded nice! It’s a fancy neighborhood.
Ivy: Yes, but: drafts. And my mother could never visit.
Victoria Mars: She doesn’t visit you here?
Ivy, clearly freaking out: I don’t want to rush! We don’t even have a date for the wedding!
Victoria Mars: Now that you mention it — what’s that about?
Ivy: *starts to rage plump the throw pillows*
Victoria Mars: Ivy, is it because you’re worried about leaving me? I promise, I will be ok! You can visit literally any time: this will always be your home.
Ivy: I’m just busy!
Victoria Mars: Seriously, spill.
Ivy: No, you’ll be late to work. And Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat is coming for breakfast.
Meanwhile, at the office, Detective Mustache, bedraggled and stressed, slumps into the office and attempts to confide in Accountant. He’s hit a dead end.
Accountant: You’re not allowed to detective though?
Detective Mustache: I know! I need help.
Accountant: You know I would always help you —
Detective Mustache: Wow, thank you so much! Here’s the deal: we’re looking for an inveterate gambler.
Accountant: You promised Victoria Mars that you wouldn’t involve us in your shenanigans!
Detective Mustache: If I don’t find this guy I’ll be sent back to prison. PRISON.
Accountant: Ugh, fine. Tell me.
Detective Mustache: One of the people he’s in debt to is a notorious gangster. We need to find out if they already have him, because if so, he’s dead, and there’s no point looking for a dead guy. But I can’t just walk in and ask, obviously. That gangster hates me!
Accountant: Could it be because you were schtupping his wife?
Detective Mustache: His mistress, and it was before they met. Which is the only reason I am still alive. I need someone to go undercover as a gambler and ask questions.
Accountant: Yikes, scary job. Wait, hang on a minute…
This is, probably, a very bad plan. Accountant doesn’t even know how to play poker! But beggars can’t be choosers, so Detective Mustache takes his pal to a bar to teach him how to play. Unsurprisingly, Accountant has an absolutely terrible poker face, but given his background, he’s very good at the math part, so hopefully it all evens out. Still, they have no cash for Accountant to bet with, so Detective Mustache tells him he’ll try and pawn his pocket watch, even though it has a lot of sentimental value (he bought it with his first paycheck). And so, later that night, Accountant makes his very awkward appearance at Scary Gangster’s club.
Meanwhile, Victoria Mars is burning the midnight oil in the office when Snooty walks in.
Victoria Mars: Oh geez, the payment! I’m so sorry, I meant to stop by earlier but got caught up here. I’ve got the money right here.
Snooty: Thank you. But, uh.
Victoria Mars: Are you ok? It’s none of my business, but you seem a little off?
Snooty: You’re not wrong. I… I needed to talk to someone, but I can’t talk to any of my friends because they’ll judge me. But you can’t judge anyone, given your whole deal.
Victoria Mars: Ignoring that… what’s up?
Snooty: That guy you met the other day? We’ve been getting close for a while; I haven’t been treated so nicely since my husband was alive. Anyway, he proposed, and I said yes.
Victoria Mars: But that’s great news! What happened?
Snooty: He was supposed to visit me the day after he proposed, but he never showed up. I sent a message to his house and workplace, but no reply. I’m worried something happened to him. Or even worse, that he changed his mind.
Victoria Mars: I’m sure there’s a good explanation — he seems like a nice guy!
Snooty: Oh, he IS. He works so hard, and he also does all this charity work on the side. In fact, he inspired me to donate £1,000!
Victoria Mars:
Sorry, that’s just SO much money.
Snooty: He was having trouble raising money! I was happy to help.
Victoria Mars: You know, I think maybe it’d be a good thing for me to go track him down at the hospital tomorrow morning. Make sure he’s ok, give you some good news, all that stuff?
Snooty: Really?
Victoria Mars: Yeah, absolutely. I love to catch con men.
Snooty: Huh?
Victoria Mars: I said I love to help friends reunite with their loved ones!
Snooty: Oh. Great!
So that’s going to be fun. Back at the Scary Gangster’s club, Accountant is having quite a run of luck at the table, and it’s finally time to do the prying he came here for.
Accountant, actually kinda slick: I was hoping I might run into a friend who I think is a regular here… Missing Brother?
Scary Gangster, scarily: Friend of yours, huh?
Accountant: More of an acquaintance, really. He owes me money? Do you know him?
Scary Gangster, even scarier: Do I KNOW HIM? Game’s over, boys. Not you though. Who are you?
Accountant: I told you!
Scary Gangster: You lie to me one more time and I’ll take you out back and shoot out your kneecaps.
Accountant, suddenly putting on a scary vibe of his own: Who am I? Your worst nightmare. I’m an undercover Scotland Yard detective, and outside I have a team of 20 men just WAITING to smash in here and ruin your life if I’m not out of here in nine minutes.
Scary Gangster:
Accountant: You can believe me or not. But you will tell me where that guy is, or you’ll be spending the night in a cell while my detectives search every inch of this place. Who knows what they might find? I’m only going to ask you one more time.
A few minutes later, Accountant strolls away from the club for a few steps before rapidly jumping into a cab where Detective Mustache is waiting.
Accountant: We need to leave RIGHT NOW. Step on it!
Detective Mustache: You got information? How?
Accountant: POKER FACE. GO!
So proud of him. Can’t wait to see the repercussions of all this though! The next day, Victoria Mars rocks up to the hospital where Snooty’s alleged fiance works. Directed to the man’s office, she knocks on the door, and who should answer but Detective Mustache. It turns out that they are both looking for Doctor Fiance. The good news? He arrives as they’re trying to sort out what’s going on. The bad news? The real doc is NOT the man Victoria Mars met the other day, who I’m guessing is probably Fancy Paperwork Guy’s inveterate gambler brother in disguise, based on Detective Mustache’s presence. Next stop: the pub, where the two compare notes.
Detective Mustache: Yeah, that wasn’t my client’s brother. I got a tip from Scary Gangster that he’s been impersonating a doctor to rip off wealthy ladies.
Victoria Mars: Hang on, you’re working WITH Scary Gangster?
Detective Mustache: Absolutely not. But Gambler Brother owes him a lot of money, so I got an associate to dig around.
Victoria Mars: You cannot seriously think I’m not gonna ask about that mystery associate. You have no friends but me and Accountant!
Detective Mustache, ignoring that: What if we teamed up? Find the guy, get your friend’s money back, we put him on a boat, win!
Victoria Mars: It’s Accountant, isn’t it. You PROMISED not to involve him, so I’m storming out.
Detective Mustache, following her: Fine, just give up on me like everyone else. I needed his help, or I was going to get sent back to prison. Not to overstate things, but:
Victoria Mars: Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Fine. How do you know he’ll have the money?
Detective Mustache: He’s cheated a lot of people. He should have thousands.
Victoria Mars: I will help you, on one condition. If we find him, and he doesn’t have the cash, we’re going to turn him over to the cops. And that’s final!
Detective Mustache: Fine. Deal. Here’s what we know. He’s gone to ground so thoroughly that I think he must have paid someone to help him disappear.
Victoria Mars: I’ve actually heard of this before. There aren’t many people who do that, but I know someone who might be able to help us.
Great news, gang: we’re finally reunited with The Amazing Pawn Broker, who we last saw all the way back in Season 3. He tells them he used to actually do that work himself, but not anymore. However, he’ll ask around with the other various Amazing Pawn Broker spinoffs, who all trade under the same assumed name… for a bribe, naturally. He tells them he’ll have info in a few hours.
While they wait, we pay a visit to Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, who’s in the midst of drafting a stressful letter when Ivy pops in for a visit. A letter which I have to assume is about or for Ivy, since he shoves his draft away when he sees her.
Ivy: Hi. You good? You’ve missed breakfast the last few days.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Oh yeah, definitely. Just busy!
Ivy: Bullcrap. I know you’re sad about the house, but we’ll find somewhere we both like. In the meantime, things can stay the same, right? We’re both happy.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Actually, no. I’m not happy. I’m really sad. Here, read this letter. It says you don’t have to be with me anymore.
Ivy: What?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Pretty much this whole season it’s been clear that I care about you a lot more than you care about me. Every time I try to set a wedding date, you push me off. You’re clearly really unhappy with the actual idea of marriage. So I need to face up to the fact that you don’t love me; not how I love you. I’m not mad; you’re beautiful, and smart, and kind. You’re perfect. But I can’t expect to have a woman like you. Ok I’m gonna leave now, but just know I did this because I love you. Bye!
So, that was rough. And we have no time to process, because we’re on a tight deadline on the case, and Detective Mustache is spiraling about it.
Victoria Mars: It’s gonna be fine. Trust me.
The Amazing Pawn Broker: I’m back! And I brought my associate, also an Amazing Pawn Broker. You can call him The Amazing Pawn Broker Four.
Victoria Mars: Four?
The Amazing Pawn Broker: Oh, we’ve got a hierarchy. I’m Two, he’s Four, so he’s gotta help us out. And don’t ask about One. We avoid him.
Amazing.
Detective Mustache: You were paid to hide Gambler Brother. Where is he?
The Amazing Pawn Broker Four: The bad part of town. For the night, at least. Tomorrow I’m getting him on a train.
Victoria Mars: The bad part of town isn’t very specific.
The Amazing Pawn Broker Four: Fine. He’s in the tunnels underneath the bad part of town.
So, into the tunnels we go. Alas, these tunnels are stinky, and typically used by criminals and smugglers. Despite following The Amazing Pawn Broker Four’s directions, they hit a dead end. A dead end with a hidden alcove enclosed in a secret wall.
They obviously open the door, and see Gambler Brother sleeping in the corner. Or at least, what LOOKS like Gambler Brother sleeping in the corner. In reality, it’s a bunch of pillows, and the man in question runs out the door while they’re distracted. Fortunately, Accountant, who was hanging back due to a fear of rats (understandable), is able to tackle and stop Gambler Brother, which allows our crew to drag him back to the hidden alcove room.
Gambler Brother: Ugh, you’re working for my brother? He doesn’t care about me.
Detective Mustache: Well, he cares enough to save your life by getting you out of here.
Gambler Brother: I’m not going to Australia like some criminal.
Detective Mustache: That’s exactly where you’re going, actually. And you’re going to give Victoria Mars back the money you stole from Snooty.
Gambler Brother: Well technically I didn’t steal it, she donated it. And I lost it playing cards and paying off The Amazing Pawn Broker Four.
Victoria Mars: Well, I guess we’re taking him to the cops.
Gambler Brother: WHAT?
Victoria Mars and Detective Mustache, as one: Shush.
Detective Mustache: Please, can we not? I’ll have to go back to jail!
Victoria Mars: He stole from an elderly person! It’s the right thing to do to take him in for that.
Accountant: It’s so gross down here, can we please just make a decision and leave?
Detective Mustache: Fine. We’re going to Scotland Yard. Tie him up, Accountant.
Unfortunately, tying Gambler Brother up doesn’t help get him out of the bad part of town any faster, nor does it stop him from yelling. Not wanting to be arrested, he loudly claims that all three of his captors are undercover cops — not a popular group in this neck of the woods. Almost immediately, people start throwing bricks at our pals, and Gambler Brother runs off in the confusion. Detective Mustache chases him, leaving Victoria Mars and Accountant a chance to run away. Unfortunately, Detective Mustache isn’t able to catch his prey, which leaves him with no other choice than to share a disappointment whiskey with Victoria Mars back in the office.
Victoria Mars: I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
Detective Mustache: To rock bottom. At least now the only way out is up.
And yet… the next morning, when Victoria Mars returns to her office, she notices that the watch Detective Mustache pawned isn’t in the pawn shop window anymore. And despite searching high and low, neither she nor Accountant can find the receipt, which means Detective Mustache took it the night before. There’s only one thing to do: lie in wait for her friend and tell him what she’s figured out.
Victoria Mars: You double crossed me, you jerk! You DID find Gambler Brother, didn’t you? And then you took him to collect your fee? And now you’re going to take him to the docks and send him off?
Detective Mustache: Yes to the first two, but no to the last. I mean, I was going to ship him off, but I couldn’t let you down again. He’s all tied up for you.
Victoria Mars: But if you don’t put him on the ship, you’ll be going back to jail?
Detective Mustache: The only place I’ll be going is Australia. With my fee, I’ll be able to start fresh. And sure, I can’t work here, but there, anything is possible. Anyway, I got a boat to catch. Bye Victoria Mars.
Victoria Mars, hugging her friend: I’m going to miss you!
Detective Mustache: I’ll miss you too. And don’t worry, I’ll be back. Probably.
He better be, is all I have to say! I’ve grown awfully fond of his shenanigans. In the meantime, we have other shenanigans to resolve. Specifically, the whole con man thing. Victoria Mars visits Snooty to tell her the update on her erstwhile fiance.
Victoria Mars: He stole from a lot of people.
Snooty: Probably a lot of rich, old, silly women just like me.
Victoria Mars: Snooty… you know where I am, if you ever need to talk?
Snooty: I’m sure I’ll be THE gossip item among my peer group. I’m supposed to go to a luncheon TODAY, but I don’t know how to face them.
Victoria Mars: Let them gossip. They’ll eventually move on to someone else, and honestly, you’re stronger than all of them.
Snooty: Thank you. I won’t forget what you did for me.
Meanwhile, Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat has been lured to Victoria Mars’ place by an urgent note from Ivy.
Ivy: Here, have some cake. And be cool, we have company.
That company? The reverend, who’s here to talk wedding details. Later, when Victoria Mars returns home from Snooty’s place, she finds Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat and Ivy giggling (GIGGLING) in the parlor.
Victoria Mars: Oh, good to see you buddy!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Back at ya!
Ivy: Sit down, kiddo, we have news. We set a date for the wedding!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: It’s the end of this month!
Victoria Mars, genuinely happy for them: YAY that’s great news!
Ivy: And there’s more. You were right: I didn’t want to leave you, or this house. So Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat has agreed that once we’re married, he’ll just move in here!
Victoria Mars, less genuinely happy to gain a fussy roommate: Here? Wow!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Just for like… a year?
Ivy, really needs Victoria Mars to get on board: What do you think?
Victoria Mars: Great idea! Yay!
Reader, I. Am. Delighted. This is the funniest possible outcome, and I can’t wait to watch this absolute disaster sitcom play out. Cheers, friends!
