Miss Scarlet Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: guild-ing the lily

Our second episode begins at a VERY swanky restaurant. At first, it looks like we don’t know any of the fancy people at this shindig, but then the camera pans to perhaps the weirdest double date of all time: Ivy and Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat have gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate the latter’s promotion to chief clerk, and invited Victoria Mars and Accountant along, for some reason. To be clear: Accountant is a surprisingly good hang. It’s Victoria Mars who surprises me, given her long-standing and barely contained feud with Ivy’s fiance.

Accountant: This is so nice, thank you for inviting us!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, new stepdad style: Of course, kiddo. Order whatever you want, my treat. But keep it under budget, m’kay? And Ivy, maybe cool it on the pricy wine?
Ivy: LOL. No. I’ve been looking forward to this all week; you won’t spoil my fun.

Just then, a waiter brings over a fresh bottle of sparkling wine for Victoria Mars, courtesy of a man we’ve never met before at a far away table. Accountant, who’s facing the stranger, whispers that said gentleman is from the guild of private detectives: the two head honchos of that organization, in fact! Victoria Mars, ever a woman of action, heads right over to thank them. Unsurprisingly, they invite her to join them for a chat.

Head Honcho: So lucky to run into you! We were just talking about this today — we’d really like you to join our guild.
Victoria Mars: Acceptance? Professional respect? For me??
Me, somehow less trusting than her: Hmmmm. Fishy.
Head Honcho: There’s just one small thing we need to talk about first. It’s about that new Detective Inspector.
Victoria Mars: New Guy? What about him?
Head Honcho: He keeps refusing to work with any of us! WTF? We need to do something about it, and thankfully, we have you!
Victoria Mars: Huh?
Second in Command: New Guy won’t even meet us. But you talked to him a BUNCH last episode, we all saw! Even better, you guys hung out just the two of you, and that is NOT in keeping with the social mores of our era.
Victoria Mars: So, you guys didn’t just end up here by accident, did you?
Head Honcho: Just like, casually accuse him of sexual harassment, and we’ll let you into the club. Anyway, sorry to toast you with water, my doctor forbid me to drink, the jerk. Deal?
Victoria Mars, throwing her wine directly into his face: NOPE. BYE!

That’s my girl!

The next morning, New Guy gathers the mail and tells his daughter that she’s definitely supposed to be dressed and about to head to school.

New Kiddo: I don’t like it there, dad. The kids are mean.
New Guy, clearly knows the way to his daughter’s heart: If you go to school, we’ll have dinner together tonight and I’ll tell you every detail about my day, including the stuff I’m probably supposed to omit for propriety or whatever.
New Kiddo: Deal.

Meanwhile, at Victoria Mars’ house, Ivy has just plated breakfast for Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat when he informs her that he won’t be eating it: it’s his first day on the job and he needs to be early. To make matters worse, Victoria Mars rocks up with a sleeve that needs mending AGAIN (and that definitely got damaged in the commission of some kind of shenanigan). Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat and Victoria Mars both scatter with barely a goodbye, and Ivy’s left with a frankly delicious breakfast spread that’s probably going to waste. Once again, it has to be said: justice for Ivy!

Naturally, Victoria Mars’ first stop is New Guy’s office, where she knocks and then comes in without waiting to be invited (classic her).

New Guy: Hey! Social conventions, have you heard of them?
Victoria Mars: Funny you should mention that, actually: you need to watch your back. The private detective guild does NOT like your policy.
New Guy: Ew, you’re not here for them, are you?
Victoria Mars: No, but they’ve got money and influence, and they’re committed.
New Guy: Hang on, why are you telling me this?
Victoria Mars: I thought you should know?
New Guy: Hmmm, and you aren’t trying to get something in return for your kindness?
Victoria Mars:

New Guy:

Victoria Mars: Ugh, fine. I mean, it’s not a bad thing for me to be on good terms with you.
New Guy: AHA!
Victoria Mars: Look, they were incredibly insulting. They tried to get me to tank your reputation.
New Guy: What?

New Guy, it turns out, is also a woman of action, and he goes directly to the guild office to meet with Head Honcho.

Head Honcho, doesn’t realize how cooked he is: SO glad to finally meet you! I tried to make an appointment but you were always busy. Hey, did you know we both served in the Royal Engineers? Best time ever, even with the… lasting physical side effects.
New Guy: I didn’t come here to bond with you. I’m here to make it extremely clear that I’m going to keep doing my job the way I want to, and blackmail or threats won’t work on me.
Head Honcho: LOL, oh, so the girl went and visited you.
New Guy: So we’re done then?
Head Honcho: Unfortunately, no! Look, you gotta understand, I’ve had this job for 17 years. I represent 2000 men, and I have to make sure that their businesses do well. I can’t just back off on this, or I look weak and lose my job.
New Guy: And wouldn’t that be a shame.
Head Honcho: You have a kid, right? If you were to lose your job that would be very bad for her.

Reader, just to make it crystal clear, Head Honcho is very much threatening New Guy here, and New Guy knows it.

New Guy, ice cold: Fine. I’ll hire a private detective tomorrow.
Head Honcho, mistaking that for a victory on his part: Great! Awesome! I’ll send you a list —
New Guy: Oh, don’t bother. I know already. The “girl,” I think you called her?
Head Honcho: Oh come on, she doesn’t count! She’s not in the guild!
New Guy: Such a bummer for you!

Ok New Guy, I see you! The next morning, Victoria Mars shows up bright and early, ready to get assigned to a case. Unfortunately for her, New Guy is all about the letter and not the spirit of the law here: he said he’d hire her, but he didn’t specify what for.

Victoria Mars: Background checks? REALLY?
New Guy: Yeah, and I need you to interview and assess the candidates. I need women who are experienced and won’t leak confidential information. I did this in Bristol and it worked great. Anyway, here’s the list: they’ll be here at 11.
Victoria Mars: But this isn’t a case?
New Guy: This project is absolutely vital to the station running well, and will free detective time for police work. It’s a big deal! LOL, are you SCOWLING?
Victoria Mars, scowling: No!
New Guy: This is the gig. Do it, or don’t.

Look, is this different than her usual work? Yes. Is it also something I think a private detective would be really good at? Again, yes! Reading people and ferreting out their weaknesses vis a vis secret-keeping is kind of the whole job. And not for nothing: Victoria Mars has always wanted to be a cop, but hasn’t ever actually done the boring administrative part of that job; maybe this is a useful skillset to work on, ya know? Anyway, we dive right into the interviews, which are numerous. They seem pretty much all the same to me, but I’m sure some of them will stand out eventually. That evening, Victoria Mars heads home to complain about her day to Ivy.

Ivy: Isn’t this literally exactly what you wanted?
Victoria Mars: UGH I mean, yes. But also I kind of feel like I’m too good for this work?
Ivy: I know you did not just say that to me, the woman who does all of your life admin so you can gallivant around town detecting! Today I ironed, did laundry, and then ironed some more. Talking to a bunch of interesting young women all day sounds MUCH better. You’re helping them get ahead in the world!
Victoria Mars: LOL, remember when your lectures were about how I should get married?
Ivy: It’s called growth, sweetie, look it up.
Victoria Mars: Hang on, you’ve been out of sorts lately. Is everything ok?
Ivy: Yes. Well, no. I’m not sure? Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat has his new job, you’re always off on adventures, and my day is literally always the same. And now you’re worried about me! This is why people should shove all their feelings down inside.
Victoria Mars: How can I cheer you up? What if I made dinner tonight?
Ivy: You were going to cheer me up, not poison me.

Look, I feel like there’s an obvious solution here. Get Ivy trained up to be one of the admin gals! She’s observant enough and certainly hardworking; I feel like she could do it! The next day, Victoria Mars arrives at Scotland Yard to continue her interviews and runs into Baby Detective.

Baby Detective, a FOOL: Wow, you look busy! If you need any help definitely let me know!
Victoria Mars, big sister vibes: You want to help me interview a bunch of pretty young women? Interesting!
Baby Detective, stammering: No, I uh, oh no… oh look, a note from New Guy. I’m supposed to meet him at this address.
Victoria Mars: That’s the office for the guild of private detectives!
Baby Detective: Apparently they found a body there.
Victoria Mars: Who?

Yeah, no surprises here: it’s Head Honcho. Over at the scene, New Guy has already established that the body was found by one of the clerks earlier that morning. New Guy notices weird bruising on Head Honcho’s hand, and is in the middle of smelling it when Baby Detective and Victoria Mars arrive on the scene.

New Guy: Dude, you brought her?
Victoria Mars: I had a recent run in with the guy, I thought I could help!
New Guy: I was talking to Baby Detective!
Baby Detective: I thought she might be helpful! And she steamrolled me so skillfully I didn’t even realize she did it.
New Guy: We’ll talk about this later. In the meantime, look over this appointment book, and find out from the mortuary what poisons we can test for.
Victoria Mars: Ah, so you think that’s why he smells sweet? But if he was poisoned I’d expect a puncture wound… like that one!
New Guy: Yeah, I noticed.
Victoria Mars: Oooh, and a very fancy bottle of wine. Extra interesting given that he didn’t drink. Bet you didn’t know THAT!
New Guy: If you don’t go back and do the job I’m paying you for, I’ll end the contract. Got it?
Victoria Mars: Fine. But you know where I am if you need me!
New Guy: Cool. I won’t.

Meanwhile, across town, Ivy’s in the middle of doing her usual shopping when she sees a sign for a secretarial assistant position. Perhaps inspired by what she said to Victoria Mars yesterday, she goes inside, only to be sneered at by the other candidates and the hiring manager, who assumes she’s looking for the butcher next door. Don’t be down on yourself, Ivy, you’re the best!

Back at Scotland Yard, Accountant arrives for a brief chat. Unlike Victoria Mars, he is thrilled about this gig, which is, after all, paying the bills.

Victoria Mars: I know but I was hoping to dazzle New Guy.
Accountant: Just gonna point out that that word choice is interesting! Also, just so you know some of us ARE dazzled by clean paperwork and data. Numbers have poetry!
Victoria Mars: Nerd.
Accountant: Anyway, I’ve been working on the background checks and they’re all good except for one. Cynthia Quinn.
Victoria Mars: But she’s the best candidate so far!
Accountant: Well, all three of her previous employers looked legit, but when I checked them out further they’re all bogus. They don’t exist; they’re registered, but the paperwork all leads back to a private detective business.
Victoria Mars: Well she sure didn’t say anything about THAT.

Fun! Obviously the next step is snooping around, so Victoria Mars follows young Cynthia back to the rival detective agency, where the young lady is meeting with a familiar face. Remember back in season 3 when we all got snowed in at a French hotel on the hunt of notorious con man Mr. Percival? In that episode we encountered an American detective from Boston who was also investigating, and basically just made trouble for both Victoria Mars and Detective Mustache. That same guy is Cynthia’s boss.

Over at the detective guild offices, New Guy interviews Second in Command, who is rattled (or at least pretending to be). He explains that he’s been friends with Head Honcho for a long time, and last saw him the previous night when they met up to work on Head Honcho’s reelection campaign. The elections were every four years, but Second in Command hadn’t been worried: Head Honcho always won handily.

New Guy: We found a bottle of wine on the floor of his office, but I hear he didn’t drink?
Second in Command: No, not for years. He got some kind of illness when he was in Africa, which gave him a tremor. Alcohol made it worse.
New Guy: Could it have been for someone else? A visitor?
Second in Command: Sure, maybe. He was generous. Wait, do you think he was murdered?
New Guy: You used to be a detective, right? You can’t be surprised by this.
Second in Command: But he was super well liked! No one would kill him.
New Guy: You mentioned the election — when is that happening, exactly?
Second in Command: It was supposed to be tomorrow. But since I’m in charge in the interim, I’ll have to figure out if we postpone.
New Guy: So are you gonna run for the top job?
Second in Command: Only to honor my friend, and don’t read into that. We’ve known each other for a very long time: we served together in Africa. He saved my life.
New Guy: Ok, who else is running?
Second in Command: Just one person, and he was critical of Head Honcho.

Why do I feel like it might be a certain American detective? A certain American detective who we later find out, from Accountant, rented Detective Mustache’s old office for a steal. Despite being good at business, Victoria Mars pronounces him an untrustworthy snake. Her assumption is that he’s trying to sneak Cynthia into Scotland Yard so she can access classified intel.

Accountant: I mean, obviously that’s bad, but to be fair Detective Mustache did the same thing a few years back.
Victoria Mars: Of course he did.

Anyway, they also find out about the upcoming election, and Victoria Mars takes it upon herself to go share what she knows with New Guy. She even waits for him to invite her into his office after knocking this time!

New Guy: This better be related to the job I’m actually paying you for.
Victoria Mars: Eh, six of one? I found that one of the applicants is secretly working for a detective agency.
New Guy: See, this is why I don’t work with you people.
Victoria Mars: There’s more: I know the agency. It’s run by this American snake named American Snake, who’s also —
New Guy: Running for the top job at the guild. I heard. I was just off to talk to him.
Victoria Mars: I should come with you!
New Guy: Uh, no?
Victoria Mars: But I was good and came to tell you about this instead of confronting him!
New Guy: I’m sorry, are you trying to prove yourself so I hire you more?
Victoria Mars: How DARE you!
New Guy: So, yes.
Victoria Mars: I’m just trying to help. I know this guy, and he’s a horrible liar. Also, I’ll do it for free.
New Guy: UGH, fine. But there are rules: don’t talk unless I tell you to, don’t react when he’s talking, and do anything unless instructed by me.
Victoria Mars: You got it! I’m excited to see you do your thing!
New Guy: Don’t try and charm me for your own gain!
Victoria Mars: I don’t do that!

Arriving outside American Snake’s office, they immediately encounter the man himself, who attempts to avoid detection.

Victoria Mars: No, that’s him! That’s the guy!
New Guy: What did I literally just say about speaking without prompting?
American Snake: Omg, my old buddy Victoria Mars!
Victoria Mars: “Buddies” don’t handcuff each other to disgusting pipes in basements.
Me: I mean, I’m sure some do, but fair play.

Inside, American Snake tells them his basic backstory: he set up shop in town not that long ago, likes the building he nabbed from Detective Mustache, and thinks the guild is a waste: the dues are expensive, and the payoff is minimal.

American Snake, getting himself a drink from a bar that happens to include the same expensive wine found near Head Honcho’s corpse: Look, let’s get down to it: you’re here about Head Honcho. I didn’t do it, but even if I did, I’d deny it. This wine is great, btw. At least I got something good out of that France trip; I was locked up for weeks!
Victoria Mars: If you want an apology you’ll be waiting a long time.
New Guy: What were you doing last night?
American Snake: I was here working on my speech, and my whole staff was here to support. To be clear: I didn’t like Head Honcho. He was a has-been on the take, and we need someone with integrity and vision in charge. The other members are ready for change, and if I was in the top spot I’d have convinced you to reverse your ban on private detectives. Speaking of: why is she working with you?
Victoria Mars: I’m not working with him. I’m working FOR him.
New Guy: As a man of vision: tell me about Cynthia Quinn.
American Snake: She can change jobs if she wants, nothing to do with me. Look, this is a waste of everyone’s time: you should talk to Second in Command. He’s been cleaning up Head Honcho’s messes for years just waiting for his chance. I bet he just got tired of waiting.

Later, as our friends leave, they confirm that they both noticed the wine, and agree it’s not a coincidence.

Victoria Mars: He might be right about Second in Command too.
New Guy: Yup. Anyway, I’ve got leads to follow up, you can head out.
Victoria Mars: Cool, so should we meet up at the office later to discuss?
New Guy: Bruh. There’s no WE!
Victoria Mars: Seriously, what is your deal? Are you just worried I’ll beat you to the punch? That’d be kind of petty, don’t you think?
New Guy: If I were going to be petty I’d point out that you ignored everything I asked you to do earlier! Also, I’m not going back to the office tonight: I have an appointment, and then I’m going home. I have a life outside of work!

Victoria Mars, who kind of does not have a life outside of work, finds this rather baffling, especially because it results in her playing rummy with Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat and a distinctly grumpy Ivy that evening.

Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Actually, funny story: your name came up at work today Victoria Mars! And I got to make a funny joke!
Victoria Mars: Really?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Yeah! When New Guy came to pick up the post mortem on Head Honcho, who as you recall you threw wine at, I said I was surprised you weren’t a suspect. Funny, right?
Victoria Mars and Ivy:

Victoria Mars: Did you find the poison? And before you say it’s classified, remember that I’m working on the case.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: You silly goose, you know I can’t do that!
Ivy: She’s just going to bug you until you tell, babe. Spill.

Shockingly, that works, and Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat tells them both the name of the poison and that the puncture mark on the victim’s hand was from a syringe. The next day, Victoria Mars heads into the office to look up the poison. Apparently, it’s a slow acting drug that can take hours or days to do its work when hidden in food or drink. It normally mimics a heart attack, but since Head Honcho was injected, he died very quickly. And obviously!

Why would someone pick a rare sneaky poison and then administer it in such a way that everyone would know it was murder?

Victoria Mars, talking Accountant’s ears off the second he arrives at work: ALSO: the poison is from the same region of Africa where Head Honco and Second in Command served all those years ago!
Accountant: Uh, I’ve got a question: why are you spending time on this? We haven’t been hired to work this case!
Victoria Mars: This is our chance to prove ourselves!
Accountant: Or a chance to annoy New Guy so much he’ll never talk to you again.
Victoria Mars: Whatever. I’m going to go investigate Second in Command. I need YOU to go talk to someone who’s got ties to the more… exotic side of the black market.

Accountant is not thrilled about this shady task, but he does it anyway. And that’s how he ends up in a nice cafe talking to a man you may remember from last season’s case of Admiral Nelson’s stolen feather: The Fence. The Fence is distinctly uninterested in dealing with this nerdy stranger.

Accountant: You’ve worked with my boss, Victoria Mars. We’re looking for a particular poison.
The Fence: I don’t know what you’re implying, but I only work with legitimate artwork.
Accountant: Victoria Mars told me you’ve diversified your business. She also says you’re cautious and that I’ll need to pay you.
The Fence: Ok, if the price is right. My giant bodyguard here will take the money.
Accountant, passing over the cash: Right, so: the poison?
The Fence: I’ve never heard of it. No refunds! Bye!

Bummer. Meanwhile, Victoria Mars skulks around outside Second in Command’s place until he leaves, giving her an opportunity to sneak in through his window to do some snooping. She’s just started rifling through his desk when a mysterious stranger enters the room.

Victoria Mars, hiding behind a desk: I have a gun, and I’ll use it!
New Guy: Wait, seriously?
Victoria Mars: Oh, it’s you. Search party!
New Guy: No, not a party! You broke in, and I have a warrant!

Just then, they hear someone yell for help from downstairs. New Guy tells Victoria Mars to wait upstairs, but obviously, she ignores him, and that’s how they both end up in the basement where American Snake has been tied to a pipe.

Victoria Mars: This seems to happen to you a lot, my guy. You might want to rethink some of your choices.
American Snake: It wasn’t my fault, it was Second in Command! He invited me here and told me he was thinking of conceding the election. We had a drink, and then he knocked me out and left me down here. Probably wants me out of the way for tonight.
Victoria Mars: You’d be a no show and he’d win by default.
American Snake: He’s a jerk.
New Guy: Where is the vote?

Well, at the club, which we find out later that night after Second in Command has won the election. He’s just raised his glass in a toast to his dead friend when New Guy and Baby Detective arrive, ominously, at the back of the room.

The next morning, Accountant approaches The Fence and his giant bodyguard. See, Accountant has been doing what he does best: following a paper trail. It turns out that the criminal underworld know The Fence by an assumed name, but The Fence actually has faked his death. He’s got a wife back at home! A scary wife, who Accountant will tell about her lying husband unless he shares the name of a certain poison supplier.

Across town, Victoria Mars knocks on New Guy’s front door expecting to talk to her colleague, and instead finds a tiny child. Victoria Mars is completely baffled by the presence of a non-adult at New Guy’s house, but still accepts his invitation inside.

New Guy, to New Kiddo: What did I say about answering the door? Go get breakfast and I’ll read you this book later.
Victoria Mars: I’m sorry to bother you at home but I had info that couldn’t wait. I didn’t know you had kids!
New Guy: Kid, actually.
Victoria: What’s her name? How old is she?
New Guy: Sophia, and what’s the info you brought?
Victoria Mars: My assistant found out who sells the poison. I know it’s not my case, and you told me you didn’t need my help, but once I get involved in something I have to finish what I started, even if it causes trouble.
New Guy: You’re relentless. Let’s go.
Victoria Mars: Second in Command isn’t the killer. But I know who is.

Next stop? American Snake’s office, where New Guy and a constable walk right past the guy to arrest… Cynthia? Later, in interrogation, New Guy explains that his team found the syringe full of poison in Cynthia’s rooms. She insists she didn’t kill him: her father had ALSO served with Head Honcho, and when her dad died, Head Honcho helped out Cynthia’s mom.

Cynthia: I never would have hurt him!
New Guy: Then why did you buy the poison?
Cynthia: I worked for Head Honcho; small jobs mostly. But one day he told me to go get a job with American Snake, who he hated. He wanted me to report back with any dirt he could use to keep American Snake from getting his job. But there wasn’t a lot of dirt, other than the fact that American Snake drinks a bottle of wine every day.
New Guy: So that wine was for offing American Snake?
Cynthia: Yeah. I took the bottle and got the poison. Head Honcho was going to inject the poison through the cork — it would be slow acting, and no one would know it was murder.
New Guy: So what happened?
Cynthia: He had that hand tremor, and while he was trying to inject the cork, his hand slipped and he stabbed himself. It was horrible. I took the syringe because I didn’t want it to get traced to me.
New Guy: And why apply for the job here?
Cynthia: That was American Snake’s idea. He wanted me to report back on confidential cases so he could get new business.
New Guy: You sure are industrious.
Cynthia: If you had my background you’d also do anything to get by.

Later, New Guy and Victoria Mars talk over the case. New Guy is inclined to believe Cynthia, who didn’t have much motive to kill Head Honcho: he was paying her well, and she was mostly motivated by money.

New Guy: You did good work.
Victoria Mars: But?
New Guy: No but. That was it.
Victoria Mars, surprised but gratified: I actually have something for you. Well, for your daughter. This book was my favorite when I was a kid. No pirates, but it’s still a good adventure story.
New Guy: Thank you. She’s had trouble adjusting to all the changes, and now I’ve had to fire her nanny for hitting her. So she’s with the neighbor.
Victoria Mars: Can I ask… what happened to her mom?
New Guy: My wife died a few years ago.
Victoria Mars: I’m so sorry. I also lost my mom young.

A nice moment, which wraps up when Baby Detective arrives to take New Guy to see the new clerical office, which has indeed been staffed by some very impressive candidates… if the inclusion of Ivy is anything to go by. All I’ll say is: this is a very good thing that Victoria Mars did for her friend, and also might lead to some trouble down the road since I sincerely doubt Ivy would be able to resist sharing interesting cases at home. But that’s a problem for future them! How will Victoria Mars manage to weasel her way into one of New Guy’s cases next time? We’ll just have to wait and see.