Hey, remember how Duke Silver made our collective son Baby Detective take up boxing in the hope that he’d be better equipped to fight his own battles, and maybe make some friends along the way? It seems to be working, if Baby Detective’s presence in the cop bar with Hardscrabble and some of the other guys at the start of this episode is any indication. Hardscrabble’s regaling everyone with what I have to imagine is a well-worn tale about an elderly nude suspect, and Baby Detective is attempting to calculate the probability of different scenarios in the game they’re playing so… everyone’s really playing to type.
Hardscrabble: Wait, you’re doing math? That’s cheating!
Baby Detective: But we’re not betting, so?
Hardscrabble: Where have you been? We’re definitely playing for cash money, honey.
Baby Detective: But uh… this bar isn’t licensed for gambling? And we’re cops?
Hardscrabble points out that that basically means there’s no one there to arrest them, and then does a classic “made you look” gag to scare the kid. Kinda mean, but harmless, at least until Baby Detective notices one of Hardscrabble’s pieces is missing, and calls him out for it. Hardscrabble, who doesn’t like being accused of cheating, and DOES like beating up on Baby Detective, suggests they take this outside, and actually seems low key delighted when Baby Detective squares up and explains that he’s been training with “an expert pugilist.” That’s robably because Hardscrabble doesn’t actually think Baby Detective’s serious. But guess what, reader: I am absolutely elated to tell you that he very much is. Our boy executes a textbook combination that lands Hardscrabble on the floor and earns him the cheers of the room (and me, sitting at my desk).
The next day, Baby Detective and some of the other lads are all summoned into Duke Silver’s office. Why? Well because their colleagues up in Manchester have arrested a suspect in a big case, and they needed Duke Silver’s help to wrap it up. Consequently, he’s been sent north for a few days, maybe longer, and has left Hardscrabble (nose still VERY bruised by our friend’s fist) in charge.
So, that should be fun! Meanwhile, across town, Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat arrives at Victoria Mars’ house with flowers to take Ivy on their morning walk.
Victoria Mars, seems like she’s maybe lying for some reason: I’m so sorry, she’s not here. Her mom is sick and she’s gone to take care of her.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, surprisingly upset: Oh no, I hope she’s ok! Please give both of them my best, and tell Ivy I stopped by.
Victoria Mars, definitely lying for some reason: Nothing major, she’s just got a bit of the gout. I’ll tell her you stopped by.
Shutting the door, my suspicions are proven correct: just out of sight sits Ivy, who’s definitely not off taking care of her sick mama.
Victoria Mars: Care to share why I just did the old timey version of an out call for you?
Ivy: Nope! I’d rather do laundry!
It must be grim indeed, given everything I know about how laundry was done in the 1800s. Anyway, Victoria Mars doesn’t give up that easy, and suggests she make them both tea. Ivy continues to offer a polite brush off.
Ivy: I just didn’t want to see him today, it’s no big deal! Also, FYI, people used to be polite and mind their own business, just saying.
Victoria Mars: Yeah, but I’m a detective, so being polite and minding my own business is literally not my business?
Ivy: You’ve never been able to leave anything alone. It’s very annoying.
Victoria Mars: I’m just trying to be a good friend! I know I’m not good at dating or whatever…
Ivy: No crap, Sherlock: if you were, you’d be married. Oof, I’m sorry, I’m just in a mood. Head to work, I’ll be fine.
Victoria Mars: Ok. We can talk later.
Ivy: No thanks!
Ivy, I’m so sorry, but you know she’s going to pry it out of you eventually, right? But first, Victoria Mars heads over to try and see Duke Silver, only to discover Hardscrabble sitting at her friend’s desk and drinking his whiskey too. Annoying! Even more annoying, Hardscrabble decides to be deliberately obtuse, like an overgrown, drunk toddler.
Victoria Mars: Ok, well, Duke Silver asked me to help with the Bloomsbury robbery?
Hardscrabble: Oh, you’re not working on that case anymore. I gave it to one of my guys.
Victoria Mars: You can’t do that!
Hardscrabble: Can so! Dad left me in charge, so I can do whatever I like.
Victoria Mars: I have a contract!
Hardscrabble: *Glares*
Victoria Mars: Fine, I have a verbal agreement!
Hardscrabble: There it is! Don’t care. Bye!
Bummer, man. Outside, Victoria Mars finds an equally gloomy Baby Detective sulking by the door, and asks if he’s got any more details than she does. Alas, no, and he also explains that he’s been given all the worst busy work in the station by Hardscrabble.
Baby Detective: Anyway, it’s annoying, but what are you gonna do? He’s technically my boss.
Victoria Mars: Sure, but don’t let him take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself!
Baby Detective, who did after all punch the guy in the face like 5 minutes ago: I will. Promise.
This should be a fun and not at all stressful episode! And the fun gets even funner (sorry) when Victoria Mars rocks up to her office to find Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat waiting for her outside like a dog in one of those SPCA commercials. Is he here to ask her for professional advice? Nope, obviously: he’s here to talk about Ivy, and he won’t be sent away.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: So, you know we’ve been dating for quite a while. And lately it’s like she’s avoiding me :( She always has a good excuse, but they add up to bad news: she’s just not that into me?
Victoria Mars: Bro, you need to talk about this with her, not me.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: I’m not great at talking. I know science, and I know dead bodies, but I know nothing about relationships!
Victoria Mars: Ok, well I have one piece of advice: you’re pretty set in your ways. You come by at the same times every week like clockwork. Ivy likes variety! Take her out to a show or dinner sometime, you know? Mix it up! Do something unexpected!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, getting an idea: Unexpected! Perfect! I know we haven’t always gotten along, but that’s great advice, thank you! And if there’s ever anything I can do to help you…
Victoria Mars: Let me come hang out at the mortuary?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Maybe. Bye!
Reader, I have no idea what this man is plotting, but I have a feeling it’s nothing good! While he heads off to plan, Hardscrabble and Baby Detective lurk in the market, waiting for a suspect. Hardscrabble’s gotten a tip that the nephew of a gang member may be involved in a string of recent robberies, and said nephew hangs out in this market every day for lunch. Hardscrabble proclaims Nephew an idiot, but the kid sure does clock their police lurkiness pretty damn quick, and make a run for it, so I’m not sure he’s completely right on that score. The cops pursue, with Baby Detective getting off to a slow start after tripping. Slow start he may have, but not so slow that he doesn’t see Hardscrabble planting evidence on Nephew!
Obviously, Nephew’s reaction is pretty much “dude, you put that in my pocket!” Hardscrabble intimidates Baby Detective into saying he didn’t see anything, and then books the kid for slandering a police officer. All in all, not cool in the slightest. Back at the station, Baby Detective brings Nephew food, and ends up having a chat with the kid.
Nephew: Your friend said I stole that watch, but I didn’t.
Baby Detective: You should eat that while it’s hot.
Nephew: Please, you seem like a good person: he planted that on me, and you saw it. I know you did. Help me!
Baby Detective, shutting the door: I’m sorry, I can’t.
But he knows someone who can! You know who it is: Victoria Mars, who Baby Detective visits later that night because with Duke Silver gone, she’s “the closest thing to an honorable man.” Adorable. Anyway, the problem is that if Baby Detective reports Hardscrabble, not only will all of his colleagues stop trusting him, it’s likely that the folks in charge will still back Hardscrabble. Even if Duke Silver were there, the deck is stacked against them.
Baby Detective: I know this is a big deal, but this is the only thing I’ve ever been good at. Other than writing poetry, natch.
Victoria Mars: And you’re 100% sure?
Baby Detective: It happened so fast, I’m actually not 100% sure. That’s why I’m here: I want to pay you to investigate on the DL.
Victoria Mars: And if I find something?
Baby Detective: I guess I could become a vicar?
I have to hand it to him: the kid’s got gumption! And since Victoria Mars isn’t one to turn down a job, the next morning finds her walking around with Moses, who’s finally back, and doesn’t think she should take the case.
Victoria Mars: Why? An innocent man might be in jail!
Moses: The kid’s from a crime family! He might not have done that crime, but he’s done others!
Victoria Mars: Well that’s not how justice should work. Anyway, tell me about this family.
Moses: They’re Greek. Been here about 20 years, and they make their money from gambling and theft. The uncle runs the crew, and from what I understand, Nephew is kind of the Fredo of the family. If I was a cop, he’s the one I’d go for.
Victoria Mars: So you’re saying he’s the weak link to target?
Moses: Bingo. But not for you to target, you should back off!
Victoria Mars: My friend, we are on season 3. You know that’s not gonna happen. Let’s start with the robbery; I’ll call a cab and convince you on the way.
At the burgled shop, the duo interviews the shopgirl, who explains that the thieves took everything including her health. Since the robbery, she’s been plagued by nightmares, and generalized anxiety disorder (which is pretty impressive, given that that was first diagnosed about a hundred years later!). TBH, I get the impression that this gal would just find any excuse to malinger, but the robbery does sound stressful. When she arrived at work the previous week, she found much of the store merchandise (clocks) taken. After taking their leave, Victoria Mars posits that whoever did the crime would have needed a carriage to carry all the clocks. While she examines the curb, the duo are surrounded by three big angry Greek mobsters, who insist, in Greek, that they come speak to the boss.
Victoria Mars, does NOT speak Greek:
Moses, the MVP, in Greek: Let’s not fight, guys. Also FYI we’re pals with Duke Silver. We’re private detectives.
Mobster 1: Hilarious. Come with us.
Situation escalated, they get into a carriage and are taken to see… The Greekfather. And Nephew’s Uncle Nikos.
The Greekfather: Have a seat.
Uncle Nikos: You’ve been asking questions about my family. We have eyes everywhere. Who’s paying you to do that?
Victoria Mars: My client.
Uncle Nikos: And what’s your story, big guy?
Moses: I’m her translator.
Uncle Nikos: *has a coughing fit and pulls out the classic Period Drama Consumption Handkerchief to daintily wipe away lung blood*
My nephew was arrested for robberies he didn’t do.
Moses: So he wasn’t involved in that house robbery in Mayfair last month? Yeah, I also have eyes everywhere.
Victoria Mars: So what do you want?
Uncle Nikos: I don’t like cops, but there are a couple who might believe the truth and I think you’re tight with those guys. I want you to give them the name of the actual thief: Logan Cooper. Here’s his mugshot.
The Greekfather: Ok, bye.
And with that, the weirdest business meeting ever comes to a close. Outside, Victoria Mars asks Moses what he knows about Cooper. Turns out Cooper has been on the old timey most wanted list for a while, and stands accused of pretty much every crime under the sun. It definitely is possible that Cooper did the robbery, but Cooper’s family is also currently in a turf war with the Greekfather’s folks, so framing him would be in their best interests.
Victoria Mars: Well, you look for Cooper, and I’ll go talk to Nephew. Also, spill: why do you know Greek?
Moses: Spent some time in Athens. It’s complicated.
Victoria Mars: Stop teasing Meryl Streep movies! You don’t have to hide everything all the time, we’re friends!
Moses: Fine, you can ask one (1) follow up question.
Victoria Mars: Why did you go to Athens?
Moses: Because I had to leave Madrid. Q&A over. Bye!
Reader, I’m not going to lie to you. I really want a Rick Steves style travel show featuring Moses. I want it very much! Anyway, the two go their separate ways, and Victoria Mars successfully evades Hardscrabble and gets Baby Detective to let her into Nephew’s cell for a chat. It doesn’t get off to a great start, because Nephew is doing his best to not talk at all per Uncle Nikos advice, but Victoria Mars badgers him with questions until he finally caves and explains that the night of the robbery, he went to Caledonia Street.
Victoria Mars: Ah, gotcha, say no more.
Baby Detective: Wait, no, say more, I don’t know what that is!
Sweet Baby Detective, too innocent for this world! You guessed it: Caledonia Street appears to be a stretch of road mostly frequented by sex workers and their clients. That evening, Victoria Mars rocks up to the party to chat with a woman named Sasha.
Victoria Mars: I have some questions about Nephew. I’ll pay for your time — I bet it’ll be way more fun than your normal work!
Sasha: You’d be surprised. Anyway, what’s up?
Victoria Mars: Nephew claims he was with you all night Friday before last. True?
Sasha: He visits me every Friday, so yeah. We just sit, drink, and talk. He’s sweet. That’s all we do: talk. He thinks other people don’t like him. And he’s right.
Victoria Mars: Can you elaborate?
Sasha: Yeah, the other guys from his gang laugh at him and make fun of him. Not in front of Uncle Nikos. The only one who liked Nephew was Tassos. Someone killed him, though. Nephew was super upset.
Victoria Mars: When did he die?
Sasha: Last week, I think.
Intriguing! And a lead, which Victoria Mars doesn’t hesitate to follow up on, heading right over to the morgue, where she tries to get info on the body. I say tries because Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat legit slams the door in her face, which is harsh, even for him. Victoria Mars is nothing if not persistent, so she keeps knocking until he comes back and gives her an explanation. Turns out that her Ivy advice (or perhaps his interpretation of her Ivy advice) did NOT go over well. Can’t wait to find out about THAT, but it looks like I’ll have to, because Victoria Mars really does need to look at that autopsy report. Thankfully for poor Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat’s poor nerves, she decides to send Baby Detective to get the files instead of breaking in herself.
Victoria Mars: And you didn’t tell him it was for me?
Baby Detective: No, but now that you mention it, he did seem down. What did you do?
Victoria Mars: Everyone always blames me! Unfair!
Baby Detective: Okay, sure. Anyway, goodnight! Oh, hi Ivy! Good evening!
Ivy:
Victoria Mars: Look, if you’re mad about Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, don’t blame me! He asked for advice and I gave it to him!
Ivy, enraged: HE PROPOSED TO ME, BRO.
Victoria Mars: WHAT?
Ivy: On a knee! With flowers! In front of everyone!
Victoria Mars: Oh my god, I didn’t tell him to do that! From his reaction I’m assuming you said no?
Ivy: I feel awful about it! He’s so sad! Why couldn’t you stay out of it, huh? You can cook for yourself tonight, and do your own laundry. BYE.
Obviously not great. What was he thinking?? Back at Scotland Yard, Baby Detective checks in with Hardscrabble, who’s being… weirdly nice?
Hardscrabble: Ok kid, head on home.
Baby Detective: But I had the night shift?
Hardscrabble: Yeah, but that was just so it looked like I was punishing you. I can’t let people think they can just punch me in the face without any consequences! Anyway, you can go back to normal now. You know, I used to box as a kid and that was a heck of a right hook. Who’s been teaching you?
Me:
Baby Detective, definitely does not hear me, both because he yearns for friendship AND because he’s in the tv: A friend of Victoria Mars.
Hardscrabble, paternal: Well he’s doing a great job. And also to be fair I was pretty hammered, which is why you hit me. No hard feelings. Oh, BTW, the desk sergeant said you asked for a key to the cells? The cell with Nephew? What’s up with that?
Baby Detective, finally sensing danger: Oh, I was just bringing him food, since you had me on cell detail. No big!
Hardscrabble: Right. Well goodnight!
YIKES. What’s he up to? Across town, Victoria Mars catches up with Moses, who tells her that the watch Hardscrabble planted on Nephew was indeed one of the pieces taken during the robbery.
Victoria Mars: So Hardscrabble has access to stolen goods?
Moses: Yup, and I think I know how. I asked about Logan Cooper, and it turns out that The Greekfather and company have put a price on his head because of some trouble between him and their guys. But it also turns out that he’s got a cousin at Scotland Yard.
Victoria Mars: Hardscrabble?
Moses: Hardscrabble.
The obvious next course of action is to have Moses tail Hardscrabble for a bit, so that’s exactly what they do. In the meantime, Victoria Mars stops in to ask The Amazing Pawn Broker where someone would take stolen watches and clocks.
The Amazing Pawn Broker: Look, I don’t know much about clocks. Weapons are my thing! Poison, guns, knives. You know, mayhem and murder related goods. If you want to know about that, I can help.
Victoria Mars: Well now that you mention it… last week this guy named Tassos was murdered. His throat was cut with a pretty distinctive blade. Can you help me identify it?
The Amazing Pawn Broker, looking at the crime scene photo: Actually, yeah. This was done by a kukri — a long curved knife from Nepal. I know of two guys who carry that in town. One’s dead and the other… you better be careful around him.
Victoria Mars: What’s his name?
The Amazing Pawn Broker, surprising none of us: Logan Cooper.
Victoria Mars, has not been and never will be careful around anyone: Cool. Where can I find him?
The Amazing Pawn Broker: I might have addresses for a few safe houses used by the Cooper gang, but I don’t want to get on their bad side, so it’ll cost you.
Victoria Mars obviously takes that deal, and we get to skip the boring part where she goes to the first four addresses and finds nothing in favor of going right to the last safe house. There she has a stroke of luck, and spots Logan Cooper himself. Does she call for backup? No, obviously: instead, she follows him into an alley, as if his whole plan wasn’t to corner her someplace private to find out why she’s following him.
Logan Cooper, brandishing a gun: You’re following me, and I hear there’s a lady detective sniffing around. What’s up?
Victoria Mars: Whaaat? Detectives are all men, everyone knows that! Ok, ok, fine, you got me: I was following you because I’m looking into some stolen clocks. And I know about your cousin Hardscrabble, btw. I’m assuming you worked together on that robbery?
Logan Cooper: LOL, no: I haven’t seen Hardscrabble in years; I hate that guy. Last time I saw him he tried to arrest me. Anyway, I have nothing to do with that robbery — it was an inside job.
Victoria Mars: What?
Logan Cooper: I don’t have to tell you anything! You’re —
But whatever he was going to call her is lost to us, because just then some guys from The Greekfather’s gang roll up and start firing at Logan Cooper, including Uncle Nikos, who waits around long enough to doff his cap at her before sauntering off. Later, in the office, Moses tells Victoria Mars, correctly, that she got VERY lucky earlier.
Victoria Mars: You’re not wrong. I just wish my bag had been as lucky, this was my favorite one and it’s all ruined!
Moses: And you’re sure it was The Greekfather’s guys?
Victoria Mars: Oh yeah, 100%. They probably followed me hoping I’d lead them to Cooper. He’s in the wind now; I didn’t see if they got him. But he did say he had nothing to do with the robbery.
Moses: Hardscrabble is definitely up to something though; I followed him to an abandoned building with a bunch of stuff stored in crates. I tried to find out what they were but I couldn’t pick either of the locks. And I see that face you’re making, btw: go try for yourself if you think you’re so good! What else did Cooper say?
Victoria Mars: He denied being involved in the robbery, which is normal. But here’s something interesting: I was meant to be working on a different robbery case before Hardscrabble turned up. I’d already started working on that, and guess what name I turned up a bunch?
If you guessed the malingering shop girl from earlier, you were right! Turns out that she’s worked at multiple timepiece stores, all but one of which have been robbed. The goods aren’t turning up on the black market, which makes it seem like she’s just selling them elsewhere.
Malingering Shopgirl: Oh, I don’t know what you’re saying! Surely it’s just a coincidence! I’m but a lowly shop girl!
Moses: Are you though? You have a VERY swanky apartment, given your salary.
Victoria Mars: If you don’t want to help us we can just go to the police.
Malingering Shopgirl: Ugh, fine. One of the Greek gangsters pays me to tell them when the deliveries happen.
Moses: Who did the robbery at this shop? Nephew?
Malingering Shopgirl: I don’t know! I just know I was told to keep my mouth shut.
Victoria Mars: By the gang?
Malingering Shopgirl: No. By the cops.
Obviously that’s worth checking out, so Victoria Mars is lurking outside Scotland Yard right in time to see The Greekfather passing Hardscrabble a thick envelope through a carriage window. No, he didn’t just get accepted to the college of his dreams, it’s a payout. But why? Victoria Mars lets herself be seen by The Greekfather so she can get an explanation.
The Greekfather: Look, we all know my grandson Nephew isn’t a good fit for this business. The only one who can’t understand that is my son, Uncle Nikos. He’s been trying to toughen the kid up. That’s why he told him to steal the clocks.
Victoria Mars: So Nephew is guilty then?
The Greekfather: He was too scared of getting caught, so he came to me, and I sent Tassos to do it instead. The guy loved Nephew like a brother; he’d do anything for him. So Uncle Nikos still thinks Nephew did the robbery.
Victoria Mars: So why was Tassos murdered?
The Greekfather: He was just running his mouth in the wrong part of town at the wrong time. We still live in Victorian London, this stuff happens. Anyway, Uncle Nikos put a hit out on Logan Cooper the next day; everyone we have is looking for him. It won’t be long before we catch him. Uncle Nikos wants Nephew to kill Logan Cooper to cement his rep in the family, but I don’t want Nephew to go to jail for murder or get killed trying to get revenge.
Victoria Mars: So you paid Hardscrabble to arrest him.
The Greekfather: He’s a good kid with basically no rap sheet. He’ll get a year in prison, but he’ll be alive.
Victoria Mars: Isn’t this just kicking the can down the road? Do you think Uncle Nikos won’t still make him kill Cooper once he’s out of jail?
The Greekfather: Didn’t you see Uncle Nikos’ Period Drama Consumption Handkerchief earlier? He’ll be dead by the time Nephew gets out of jail. If you prove his innocence, he’ll get out now and be forced to become a murderer!
Victoria Mars, has for some reason decided on Lawful for her alignment today: I can’t let him go to jail if he’s innocent.
The Greekfather: It’s the only way to save him.
I know this is meant to be a moral dilemma, but: team send him to jail. Anyway, later that night Ivy returns home to find Victoria Mars attempting to repair her bag. And reader, when I say attempting, know that I mean the equivalent of a toddler trying open heart surgery. It’s not going well.
Victoria Mars: Ok, I am bad at this. I hate when you’re mad at me!
Ivy: I’m not mad at you. Well. A little. I’ve been freaking out because I was avoiding Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat because I like him so much. I really care for him.
Victoria Mars: So what’s the problem?
Ivy: I’m worried about where it’s going. If we got married, I’d have to move out. I love living here and seeing you every day! You’re like a daughter to me, I don’t want that to change.
Victoria Mars, saying the perfect thing: Nothing could ever change that!
Ivy: The thing is, I’m not sure I even want to get married. As a girl I got the message that I would grow up, get married, have kids, and that was it. But seeing what you’ve chosen…
Victoria Mars, joking: You telling me you want to become a PI too?
Ivy: LOL, no.
Victoria Mars: You have to do what’s best for you, and whatever it is, I support you.
Me:
Ivy: Anyway, while I fix your bag, you tell me why you’re running through whiskey so fast. It’s not like we have an obligation to drink whatever Duke Silver left in his office while he’s away.
Victoria Mars: I’m trying to decide between two bad options.
Ivy: You know, when you were a kid, if I gave you a choice of two things you didn’t want to do, you always found a third.
You know what, I like that option, and so does Victoria Mars. So the next day, she heads out to the spot where her bag was cruelly shot, and digs the bullet out of the wall. That bullet can now be compared to others they have from Logan Cooper’s previous crimes, and as anticipated, it’s a match. Summoning Baby Detective, Victoria Mars asks where Hardscrabble will be that morning.
Baby Detective: He’ll be in court, why?
Victoria Mars: Because we’re off to see Uncle Nikos.
Meeting the gangster and his papa The Greekfather in a bar, she lays out a plan. Nephew will be released from jail, because she can prove his innocence, but only if he turns over Logan Cooper to her.
Victoria Mars: Look, Cooper was a suspect in a huge robbery earlier this year, but the case against him fell through. However, I now have proof that it was him. If you give him to me, I’ll give him to the cops, and he’ll go to jail for at least 15 years.
Uncle Nikos: I want him to suffer.
Victoria Mars: He will, have you HEARD what our jails are like these days? Anyway, there’s been enough death, don’t you think?
Later, Baby Detective and Victoria Mars head off to chat with Hardscrabble.
Baby Detective: Nephew is innocent. His grandfather paid you to arrest him.
Victoria Mars: If you’re tempted to pull rank about this, just know that I know who your cousin is, and because you didn’t report that connection, I could get you fired. Here’s the proposal: I’ll keep the cousin thing on the DL, and you drop the charges on Nephew.
Hardscrabble: Look, I am not a corrupt cop.
Victoria Mars:
Hardscrabble: No, seriously! I’ve never taken a bribe before, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been offered one. I grew up around a bunch of crappy people, including criminals, and I chose a different path. I know right from wrong; Nephew needed to go to jail for his own good. I’d have done it for free.
Victoria Mars: But you didn’t?
Hardscrabble: I used the money for something good! I bought this place to be a gym where kids can come to get off the streets and learn some discipline. Kids like I was, who need a bit of guidance.
I’ll tell you what, Hardscrabble secretly having a heart of gold was NOT where I thought this was going! Anyway, he agrees to their plan, and later, Baby Detective and Victoria Mars get to watch Logan Cooper get arrested. They also free Nephew, who’s greeted by a huge hug from his waiting grandfather.
Victoria Mars: Well, good case, kid. You gonna be a vicar after all?
Baby Detective: Nah, I’ll stick with this. I’m terrible at public speaking and wine gives me a rash. Stop laughing, it’s bad! Thank you, btw.
And then they shake hands and it’s very cute. Also cute? Later, Ivy happily ushers Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat into the sitting room for a visit.
Ivy: Big news!
Victoria Mars, running in for the hug: That’s amazing, congratulations to you both!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: That’s extra nice, given how rude I was last time we talked.
Victoria Mars: Don’t sweat it, I’m sure you didn’t mean it.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Oh, I 100% did. But maybe I said it in a mean way.
Victoria Mars: Anyway, have you set a date?
Reader, they have clearly not discussed these details at all: Ivy’s favoring a long engagement, and Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat would clearly like to be married YESTERDAY. So that’ll be fun to watch play out! Also fun to watch play out? Right after this, as Victoria Mars works away in her office, she has a visitor… Hardscrabble?
Hardscrabble, very awkward: Look, in the spirit of our new agreement to shut our mouths and be nice to each other I’m here to tell you that Duke Silver is back. He got here late last night, but he’s taken the day off.
Victoria Mars: You… didn’t have to come here and tell me that?
Hardscrabble: I didn’t, but I wanted to see your face when I told you who he’s with.
READER. You are not gonna believe this. It’s ARABELLA. And they’re SMOOCHING! Outside her restaurant! On the street! Where anyone can see! And yes: that anyone includes Victoria Mars, who sure does indeed see it. What will the fallout from this look like? I cannot even begin to fathom, but I do know it’s going to be messy. We’ll just have to wait for episode 5 for all the details!
