Hey, so remember how last week’s episode ended with Ivy inviting Morgue Bureaucrat over for snacks? Victoria Mars is still not over it.
Victoria Mars: Look, you know I don't like that guy! But if you’re gonna hook up, the least you could do is get him to let me into the morgue.
Ivy: EXCUSE YOU. We aren’t dating, we’re friends! And if we were more than friends I would never ask Barnabas to bend the rules.
You read that right, reader: my favorite stodgy pencil pusher’s actual human name is Barnabas. Victoria Mars is just as amused by this fact as I am, presumably mostly because Ivy went ahead and dropped a first name into her unconvincing “we’re not dating” lie. The lie holds even less water when Ivy reveals that she’s off to buy a new hat.
Alas, we have more afoot this episode than Ivy’s budding relationship with Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat. After teasing her friend, Victoria Mars notices that she’s being watched. More one to bide her time until the opportune moment, she doesn’t confront the lurker, who we later see popping into a rival detective agency to report on our friend! Whatever is in that report will unfortunately have to wait: Victoria Mars has a client. An elderly, doctor type client.
Dr. Snake Oil: I don’t know, can she handle it? She’s all tiny and cute!
Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant: Rude of this recapper to refer to what we do as snake oil, TBH. Anyway, Victoria Mars, we got this anonymous letter saying that one of our bottles of elixir had been poisoned. We had it tested and it does turn out to have a toxin from a plant called the Angel of Inferno.
Victoria Mars, reading the note: I see, so they’re bribing you: if you don’t pay, they’ll ask for more AND poison another bottle? Hang on, this is an old letter, and the deadline has passed. Why didn’t you guys hire me sooner?
Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant: We didn’t want the story to get out. So yeah, you’re going to need to sign this NDA.
Victoria Mars, smart: Well I need to read this carefully before signing.
Dr. Snake Oil: DO YOU WANT THE CASE OR NO??
Victoria Mars: First of all, don’t talk to me like that. And you know what, I’m pretty busy, so…
Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant, plunking a HUGE wad of cash on the desk: You were saying?
Victoria Mars: JK, I will absolutely prioritize your case. Where do I sign?
Me, trusts no one:
Anyway, before we can get into the legal ramifications of what just happened, we head over to Scotland Yard, where our collective fictional son Baby Detective is happily warbling out Gilbert and Sullivan from the records room when the worst possible person walks in to interrupt his fun: his horrible father, Unpleasable Commissioner.
Unpleasable Commissioner, apparently deciding to try and be the worst on-screen father of all time: God you’re a disappointment. Glad your mother isn’t alive to see this. You’re a disgrace! Nothing more than a filing clerk! Where’s that boss of yours?
Duke Silver, hearing the yelling from the hallway: Can I help you?
Unpleasable Commissioner: You’re supposed to make my son a detective and he’s just in here filing? Unacceptable!
Duke Silver: Well, your kid is a great officer, but he’s a very new detective, and he has a lot to learn.
Unpleasable Commissioner: UGH, he asked to be in here, didn’t he?
Duke Silver, lying aggressively: No. I put him here so he could learn from the ground up.
Unpleasable Commissioner:
Here’s what’s going to happen.
And then he says a bunch of really mean things about Baby Detective and insists he’s immediately reinstated as detective. Duke Silver, peeved, immediately heads to his boss’ office to fill in New Superintendent.
Duke Silver:
He’s also insisting that Baby Detective make Inspector by the end of the year! We can’t do that, can we?
New Superintendent: Dude, he’s our Final Boss: the guy gets whatever he wants.
Duke Silver: Seriously?
New Superintendent: Look, my job is to make sure this place runs smoothly, which mostly involves doing a LOT of paperwork. I’ve been trying to get that guy to increase our budget so we can actually do our jobs for the last two YEARS. You know how much bigger London has gotten!
Duke Silver, naive: But that’s not connected to Baby Detective, is it?
New Superintendent:
Duke Silver: Look, I like the kid. He’s smart. But he’s not ready to be a detective, let alone an inspector! The streets are getting more violent, and he’s just a wee baby! He’ll get hurt and endanger the rest of us.
New Superintendent, surprisingly friendly after the cold shoulder treatment from last week: Sit down and have a drink. Look, we’ve had our differences recently, but I’m 100% on the same page as you with this. Unfortunately, we don’t have a choice, so I’ve got a plan: Baby Detective is gonna report to Hardscrabble instead.
Duke Silver: But Hardscrabble hates him?
New Superintendent: Yeah dude, that’s the point. The kid will quit, or he’ll die, and if it’s the latter his horrible dad will get a medal on his behalf and finally be proud of the boy. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you: don’t let this kid drag you down. Transfer him, and that’s an order.
Duke Silver: Got it.
Me:
Does he though? Does he got it? Time will tell, but first we head over to the morgue, where poor Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat is waylaid by his least favorite person, Victoria Mars.
Victoria Mars: Hi! I need your help. I have a question about a poison called Angel of Inferno.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: My dude, my break is over, and I’m not about to stand here on the street talking poison with you.
Victoria Mars: Cool, so I’ll come inside to talk.
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Go away!
Victoria Mars, playing dirty: Ivy was asking about you… it’d be a shame if I were to start telling her mean made-up stuff. Can’t we come to an arrangement?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: That’s blackmail!
Victoria Mars: Sure is! Deal?
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, distracted: Hey, that guy is watching you.
Victoria Mars: He is, isn’t he. I’m gonna follow him, but I’ll be back!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat:
Back at Scotland Yard, Baby Detective pops into Duke Silver’s office with a massive black eye, which Duke Silver immediately and correctly clocks as the work of Unpleasable Commissioner.
Baby Detective: I wanted to tell you how excited I am to come back to the field, but there’s a mistake? I’m supposed to report to Hardscrabble?
Duke Silver, avoiding eye contact: Nope, no mistake.
Baby Detective: That dude hates me and he’s a thug!
Duke Silver: He’s your superior, and you have to respect him. Got it?
Baby Detective, looking like a kicked puppy: I just don’t get why I can’t stay with you?
Duke Silver tries to harden his heart, and he probably has wee Baby Detective fooled, but the second he sends the kid away that grumpy face takes on a sad look indeed. Disobeying an order from New Superintendent twice in two episodes would be a pretty bad idea, but something tells me it’s only a matter of time.
Across town, Victoria Mars has successfully followed The Lurker back to the detective agency undetected, which is probably about to be pretty embarrassing for him. Given that this is the second time she’s seen him watching her, she doesn’t mess around and just walks right inside for a confrontation. Before The Lurker can explain himself, however, a mustachioed gentleman introduces himself as the boss.
Victoria Mars: Great, I’ll ask you: why are you following me?
Detective Mustache, prevaricating: When I first heard about you, I figured this detective thing was just a hobby. We all thought you’d get bored; there was even a bet about how long you’d keep at it. But then you just kept keeping on, and you stopped being funny.
Victoria Mars: And?
Detective Mustache: And, you’re ambitious and hard working, and I want you to work for me. Join me in my office?
Victoria Mars: I’ve heard of your agency, and how you guys operate. Like blackmail, for instance?
Me: Dude, you can’t call him out for that, you were literally JUST blackmailing Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat!
Detective Mustache: You know, rumors aren’t always true!
Victoria Mars: Hm. Well. Nice offer, but no thanks. Stop following me.
Detective Mustache, totally ignoring that last bit to follow her out of the shop: That’s a shame; we’re very similar! I’m Irish, so I know about prejudice.
Victoria Mars: My Scottish friend says this all the time and it doesn’t work for him either; we have nothing in common.
Detective Mustache: Actually, we do: like Dr. Snake Oil’s case. You must have wondered why you were brought on so late… well, they asked us first, but we were too expensive. So the guy went and talked to every agency in town until he found the cheapest one: you. You’re not charging enough.
Victoria Mars: My prices aren’t your business.
Detective Mustache: Yeah, except it is because I’m going to undercut you. I told one of my guys to go talk to Dr. Snake Oil and tell him we changed our mind. I’ll work for him for free. Unless you want to reconsider my offer.
Victoria Mars: UGH. We’ll see who wins then, I guess.
Detective Mustache, very obviously into her competency: Can’t wait!
Look, is this guy oily and untrustworthy? You bet. But he also seems to actually respect Victoria Mars, including the parts of her personality that some brooding individuals think are annoying. Or illegal. So I guess I’m tentatively rooting for him? Anyway, not wanting to waste time with Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, Victoria Mars heads right to the Royal Botanical Society to pretend she’s a prospective member and look into this poisonous plant under an assumed identity. Does the tour guide get way too close to her and breathe on her neck whilst mansplaining ferns? Sure. But it may be worth it, because the Plant Perv confirms that the society does indeed have a living sample of the Angel of Inferno on the premises, locked away in the members only section (for safety reasons, naturally).
Plant Perv: I could add you to the waiting list… or maybe I could move your name to the top?
Victoria Mars: You’re soooo nice! But could I maybe see your membership list first? See, as a single gal I have to make sure I only associate with the right people… you get it.
Plant Perv: Totally! But I have another appointment waiting; can you come back tomorrow?
Victoria Mars: Of course! But wait, I just pricked my finger on this beautiful rose here. Oh goodness, the blood! Something women never ever see or experience! I’m quite woozy, could I perhaps tend to my wound in your office?
Plant Perv: Yes, certainly! That appointment can wait.
Victoria Mars: Oh, I must be alone. Bye!
Reader, I’m sorry to tell you that Plant Perv has great taste and a very well appointed office, which we barely get to look at before he bustles in, cutting Victoria Mars’ snooping time short. Why? Well the police are here and they need his help! I think you all can guess what happens next: these men are not the police, it’s just Detective Mustache and The Lurker, pretending!
Victoria Mars: Oh, cops! Right! You know, I have a lot of pals down at Scotland Yard but I’ve never heard of you?
Detective Mustache, clearly enjoying himself: You? Have friends? At Scotland Yard? That’s weird for a rule-following lady.
Victoria Mars, thinking on her feet: My uncle works for the home office.
A bold move, but unfortunately one for which Detective Mustache has a devastating counter. “Oh,” quoth he, “I know that guy! Such a shame that his reputation was ruined after getting caught at that brothel.”
Detective Mustache: Anyway, sorry to be rude, but this case is confidential, soooo….
Plant Perv, loyalty having completely shifted: Of course. Please leave, Fake Name Victoria Mars Gave Me!
Obviously I’m 100% team Victoria Mars, but it is kinda funny to see how she handles getting a taste of her own medicine. Anyway, after she leaves she runs into Duke Silver, who’s there to gossip about his bad day, but instead gets an earful about Detective Mustache.
Duke Silver: Yeah, he’s shady, but he gets the job done. That’s why the Met hires him!
Victoria Mars: Well he’s trying to steal one of my clients, and not even one I like. So if you wanted a fun hang, look elsewhere. Men are the worst.
Duke Silver, following her into the office: Nice. So glad I’m here.
Victoria Mars: I actually am too; this guy’s got a lot of resources and I need your help.
Duke Silver: I have my own stuff going on, you know!
Victoria Mars: I’m trying to find a blackmailer and poisoner! And more importantly, stop Detective Mustache from beating me!
Duke Silver: Cute priority list. And real talk, this is a huge deal, have they gone to the cops?
Victoria Mars: It’s confidential.
Duke Silver: Someone could die! I need details! Look, you know I need more work like a hole in the head, but this is literally my job. Fill me in! Who cares what you signed!
Victoria Mars: Fine. I’ll bring you notes by the end of the day.
Duke Silver: Dude, you’re making that fake-innocent face you do when you’re trying to cover up some machinations that are going to make my life miserable. You’re the worst. Bye.
Victoria Mars, annoyed at being found out, doesn’t reveal any of said machinations, and later on we find her sitting at her desk about to eat a dinner delivered by perfect angel Ivy, who also delivers a lecture on overwork/unseemliness/etc.
Ivy: Spill it, what’s going on?
Victoria Mars: I know the poisoner got the stuff from the Royal Botanical Society, but I can’t get the whole member list. The names I do know about have no connection to Dr. Snake Oil.
Ivy, fake innocent: Shouldn't you be heading over to Scotland Yard to share your notes?
Victoria Mars: Ugh, I will! I have until the end of the day, and I want to figure this out so I get credit and Detective Mustache loses. Moses can’t help because I can’t find him. You know, I saw Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat earlier… he said he liked your new hat.
Ivy: He did??
Victoria Mars: BUSTED, you DID see him today!
Ivy, changing the subject: This snake oil really is amazing. It gets out stains, makes you feel better. It’s great! Used it for years.
Victoria Mars: Good try, don’t think I won’t be back on the subject of your boyfriend later. But also, Dr. Snake Oil is definitely not a real doctor, and this elixir is just flavored water.
Ivy: You loved it as a kid! It used to have a different name though… Dr. Snake Oil had a partner.
Victoria Mars: Hang on, what was the other guy’s name?
While Victoria Mars thinks about the pretty solid motive of having one’s name removed from a popular fake cure-all, we visit the offices of Dr. Snake Oil, who’s being looked after by a real doctor; one who isn’t thrilled with Dr. Snake Oil’s health, particularly his lungs. The lecture is interrupted by Victoria Mars, who’s here to follow up her lead. See, Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant? He’s got the same surname as the former partner.
Dr. Snake Oil: Whatever you want to say to him, say to me. And since you’re not immediately talking I assume you’re getting nowhere. But that’s ok, we’ve got men on the job now. Anyway, bye!
Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant: You wanted to talk to me? Come on in and have a seat.
Victoria Mars: This is awkward, but your product used to have a different name? That included your actual name?
Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant: My dad met Dr. Snake Oil when he went to India to look for ingredients. They became partners, and my dad moved here; no one would buy a product with our actual name, Mahajan, so we changed it to Doyle. They built the business together, and when my dad died…
Victoria Mars: Dr. Snake Oil took his name off the bottles? That’s messed up.
Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant: He’s been a good boss. I didn’t do this.
Yeah, that’s a pretty good motive, so while I think Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant probably didn’t do it, I get why Victoria Mars tails him later that evening. Unfortunately for him, she sees him head right into the Royal Botanical Society, which isn’t great, but what’s about to happen is even worse. Victoria Mars bumps into a lady who, instead of accepting our heroine’s apology, accuses her of stealing.
Victoria Mars: Huh? What are you talking about?
Lady Artful Dodger: Police! This woman stole from me; look in her pockets!
Victoria Mars, who is, after all, not a pickpocket, turns out her pockets only to realize too late that this is a setup, courtesy of Detective Mustache, who happily watches her get arrested. Later that evening, an irate Duke Silver shows up at the house looking for Victoria Mars, and the promised notes.
Ivy, answering the door: Good to see you! She’s out, but I can take a message?
Duke Silver: Honestly, I’d rather just wait for her here so I can loom at her in person. No offense, but you’re too small to really get the same impact.
Ivy: Oh, uh… I was just about to have dinner.
Duke Silver, not realizing what he’s doing: Ooh, that’s awesome, I would love to join you!
And that’s how Duke Silver ruins Ivy’s date with Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat by stuffing his face and complaining about Victoria Mars, completely oblivious to how much of a third wheel he’s being.
Duke Silver, mouth full of beans: She’s the worst; I’m so mad at her. You agree with me, Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, knows his audience: Well, she’s uh… determined. But Ivy’s right, it can’t be easy to be a woman in a field dominated by men.
Duke Silver: Dude, it’s just us: you can say it. You hate her!
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat: Nooooooo, I don’t hate her! We just don’t always agree :)
Duke Silver, theoretically a detective and somehow still not picking up on what’s happening: But you said —
Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat, loudly interrupting: Ivy this food is delicious! Yum yum!
Duke Silver, one track mind: She better have a good explanation when I finally find her!
Interestingly, our oblivious friend isn’t the one who finds Victoria Mars in lockup the next day. It’s Hardscrabble, who apologizes for not realizing she was there.
Victoria Mars: Well, no worries, I won’t tell Duke Silver.
Hardscrabble: To be clear, he actually didn’t bail you out.
Who did? I am delighted to tell you that it was none other than True Crime Reporter, who’s waiting in the lobby when our pal emerges, rumpled, from holding.
True Crime Reporter: Hey girl. So good to see you.
Victoria Mars: Back at ya. You bailed me out?
True Crime Reporter: Yeah, and I’m sure someone as smart as you has a lot of questions about that. Have a seat and I’ll fill you in. Here’s the deal: every time we feature you in our publication, sales skyrocket. I’d be a fool not to try and publish more of your cases. This latest case, for instance, is fascinating. Blackmail! Poison! Witchcraft!
Victoria Mars: Uh, the case is confidential, but witchcraft isn’t involved?
True Crime Reporter: Look, here’s the deal: I’m writing this story no matter what. The people need drama! So you can either be my star or Detective Mustache can. Your call.
Victoria Mars, somehow repeating this conversation for the third time this episode: That’s blackmail!
True Crime Reporter: It’s business!
Sure is! Across the station, Hardscrabble is trying to lead his guys out on a raid, but is slightly delayed because Baby Detective’s dropped all of his ammunition everywhere, bless him. Hardscrabble is gleefully screaming at the lad when Duke Silver passes, and, unable to stop himself, intervenes on his work son’s behalf.
Duke Silver: Baby Detective’s coming with me. Big case; need his help.
Hardscrabble: But the boss said…
Duke Silver: I’m also your boss, and I’m not asking, I’m telling.
Hardscrabble: Ok, geez, bye!
Baby Detective: THANK you.
Duke Silver, has never been in touch with a single emotion: I don’t know to what you are referring. Let’s go.
Meanwhile, Victoria Mars returns to the Royal Botanical Society to try and finally get those membership records.
Plant Perv: You’re back! So you want to be a member? I am a bit concerned about that uncle of yours though.
Victoria Mars: Oh, don’t be. We disowned him after the scandal.
Plant Perv: Great. I’m so excited to tell you about membership in excruciating detail. But you probably remember that waiting list issue? Maybe we can get dinner and talk about you jumping the queue.
Victoria Mars: That would have been SO great, but I’m unfortunately not feeling well. That little issue with the rose has left me with an infection. It’s nothing, just smelly pus! Such a pain, I wish I could’ve attended your lecture last night!
Plant Perv, leaning back at the mention of pus: Oh, it was nothing; more of a book launch than a lecture. All for a good cause: a foundation that provides medicine for the poor. I can see why you would be interested. Actually, the book has a whole chapter on that Angel of Inferno; did you know that the plant glows in the dark?
Victoria Mars: That’s amazing. Could I buy a copy of the book?
Plant Perv: Oh, such a shame, that nice cop you met attended the launch. He bought the last copy.
Victoria Mars: I wondered about him, actually — did he find what he was looking for?
Plant Perv: No clue. Apparently it’s super confidential. He did say he was close to arresting someone.
Time, it seems, is of the essence, so Victoria Mars takes down the name of the book and heads out in search of a book shop when Plant Perv’s back is turned. Back in the safety of her office, she’s flipping through the volume when Duke Silver arrives, irate.
Victoria Mars: Oh, crap. Look, before you get mad, I actually can explain.
Duke Silver: I never get mad! And I don’t want to be lied to any more: give me the file.
Victoria Mars: I was going to give it to you last night, but I got arrested because of that jerk Detective Mustache. And yes, I have been out for hours, but I wanted to solve it! Because then maybe you’d think I did a good job and compliment me for once.
Duke Silver: I compliment you!
Victoria Mars, sulkily: Not enough! Here, have the darn file, I’m stuck anyway.
Duke Silver: Very professional.
Victoria Mars: I really am sorry; it’s been a crappy few days. And I wasn’t lying: I delayed because I want you to think well of me.
Duke Silver: Fine, let’s go. And just know that I know that you said that so I’d feel guilty and let you work on this with me.
Victoria Mars, after making a token show of protest: Yeah ok let’s do it.
Back at Scotland Yard, they meet up with Baby Detective, who’s figured out that Dr. Snake Oil has spent the last year trying to buy land for another factory. He’d found some cheap land, but it was earmarked by a charity that was going to build a hospital for the poor. A real ass, Dr. Snake Oil outbid them. The charity? It’s the same one that put on the book launch the other night, and Baby Detective happily scampers off to look for the charity’s membership list. Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant’s presence at the launch is yet another point in favor of his motive, which makes me even more convinced he didn’t actually do it. Later that evening, when the pair go to speak with him, they find him passed out at his desk, with a glass of whiskey by his elbow. As Duke Silver tries to rouse their suspect, Victoria Mars dims the lights to reveal that the liquid in the glass is glowing: he’s been poisoned.
The next day, at the hospital, Victoria Mars talks to the mean Dr. Snake Oil at his thankfully still alive “assistant”’s bedside.
Dr. Snake Oil: I’m probably next. I got another letter.
Victoria Mars: This is from the blackmailer!
Dr. Snake Oil: DUH! I didn’t open it, because I don’t care what it says. Whoever is doing this already took the only thing I care about; if he was your prime suspect you’re a terrible detective. He’s like a son to me!
Dr. Snake Oil’s Doctor: Don’t worry, he’s strong. And I’m making sure he gets top-notch care!
Later, in the hallway, Victoria Mars corners Dr. Snake Oil’s Doctor: how’s the patient ACTUALLY doing? Not great! It’s the doctor’s opinion that they should just pay the blackmailers the amount they asked for. If Dr. Snake Oil gets poisoned, he definitely won’t survive.
Duke Silver, arriving on the scene: Baby Detective got that list we asked for.
Victoria Mars: I don’t need to see it, actually. I know who the blackmailer is!
Later, in her office, she tells True Crime Reporter everything. It was Plant Perv, who after all, had ready access to the poison. She also explains that the poison glows, which is such a cool detail it absolutely will make it into the story. Finally, she brandishes the second, unopened letter.
Victoria Mars: I figured this would only help the narrative: a lady detective so sure of the case she didn’t even look at all the evidence.
True Crime Reporter: If you ever decide to stop detecting, call me: you’re a natural storyteller. Almost as good as me!
Victoria Mars, opening the letter: High praise. Ah. See here: the “x” is distinctive on all of these papers, which means they were typed on the same typewriter.
True Crime Reporter: Plant Perv’s typewriter! And he was part of that charity?
Victoria Mars: Yup. It’s revenge.
True Crime Reporter: No witchcraft though?
Victoria Mars: No. But I guess the glowing poison is kind of magical, no? Anyway, I’m meeting Duke Silver at the Royal Botanical Society in an hour to arrest this guy. Assuming you want to come?
She’s not wrong. Not wrong at all. And so it is that an hour later when Victoria Mars arrives at the Royal Botanical Society, True Crime Reporter is there waiting for her. But, weirdly, he’s not alone: Dr. Snake Oil is also present, being told the entire typewriter-related solve by… Detective Mustache?
Dr. Snake Oil: Arrest him!
Plant Perv: I didn’t do it!
Detective Mustache: Oh hi Victoria Mars! I was just explaining to my client here how I solved the case! True Crime Reporter, make sure you put our office info in the article; people need to know how to find us :)
Victoria Mars: Seriously, True Crime Reporter, he’s been paying you this whole time?
True Crime Reporter, a little embarrassed: Yeah, he’s one of our major advertisers.
Victoria Mars: So you gave him my evidence?
Detective Mustache: Don’t get mad! If I hadn’t bailed you out you’d still be in jail.
Victoria Mars: I was in jail because YOU put me there!
Plant Perv: Wait, her name is Victoria Mars?
Detective Mustache: Oh, catch up, Plant Perv. I’m not a cop, and she’s not a lady. She’s a private detective. Isn’t it neat? Anyway, I better get to stepping. Let’s bring this guy over to the real cops.
Victoria Mars, once everyone’s left: Hey, Dr. Snake Oil? I knew True Crime Reporter was double crossing me… I lied to him to mess with Detective Mustache. Plant Perv isn’t your man.
Dr. Snake Oil: But the typewriter?
VIctoria Mars: Oh. That version has a common issue with the x key.
Dr. Snake Oil: So who did it?
Right on cue, Duke Silver brings Dr. Snake Oil’s actual doctor out in cuffs. See, like many doctors, he just wanted to treat more patients. Closing down a hospital in favor of making more of a fake cure-all was the last straw. That blackmail money would have been used to pay back sunk costs for the hospital site, and to try and look for another location.
Dr. Snake Oil: But how did you know it was him?
Victoria Mars: Well, he knew how much the blackmailers were asking for, but none of us had opened the letter yet. And despite what I told True Crime Reporter, Plant Perv isn’t a member of the hospital fundraising group, but your doctor is, and he’s on the board of the Royal Botanical Society.
Dr. Snake Oil: What about my boy?
Victoria Mars: The doctor only gave him a small dose to scare you. He’ll be ok.
Whew, that’s a relief! What’s even better is that Dr. Snake Oil sees the error of his ways, putting Dr. Snake Oil’s Assistant’s surname back on the bottle and making him a full partner in the company, as he should have done many years ago.
Partner Snake Oil: We should donate that land so they can build the hospital. It’s the right thing to do.
Dr. Snake Oil: We’ll donate it in your father’s name. I’m just so happy you’re ok!
Later, Victoria Mars and Duke Silver meet up for debrief drinks (alas, the information sharing version of debrief only).
Victoria Mars: Well I guess we’re done with True Crime Reporter now. Hey, I heard what you did for Baby Detective; that raid might’ve literally killed him. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him.
Duke Silver: Don’t make that face at me! I treat him just like all of my colleagues who aren’t my work children.
Victoria Mars: I think it’s nice. You always think I’m being mean; you can’t read my mind.
Duke Silver: Probably a good thing; I don’t want to know what’s in that head of yours. BTW, tell Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat I said hi.
Victoria Mars: Uh, I’m going home, not to the morgue?
Duke Silver, maybe not as oblivious as he seems: I know, but from what *I* saw, he’s there all the time. Ivy definitely has a crush on him.
Baby Detective, joining the group as Victoria Mars leaves: Bye!
Duke Silver: Ok, stop staring at my friend. New case just came in at a jewelry store.
New Superintendent, also wandering out of his office: Oh HI. I hear you asked this young colleague to help you with something instead of going on that raid?
Duke Silver, lying through his teeth: Sure did — he knows all about poisons so I needed his insights.
New Superintendent, not buying it for a second: Wow, that’s impressive!
Duke Silver: Sure is! Now shoo, Baby Detective.
New Superintendent: Dude, you disobeyed another order! WTF? I’m also from the streets, remember: I can tell when you try to feed me a load of BS! Oh look, it’s Unpleasable Commissioner. I’m going to ply him with whiskey and suck up to him while you ruminate on how much you might have messed up your own career by sticking your neck out for his kid.
While Duke Silver ponders, Victoria Mars returns home to find that Detective Mustache is waiting for her. But instead of being mad, he’s impressed and, dare I say, amused.
Victoria Mars: Oh hey! Can’t say I’m not happy to be a sore winner at you in person. Such a bummer that that story’s going out now with your incorrect solve, and that you’ll look SO bad when it turns out that you got the wrong guy.
Detective Mustache: Eh, it’s no problem. We’ll issue a correction and apology.
Victoria Mars: I don’t know, don’t you think Plant Perv might sue you??
Detective Mustache:
For real though, I want you to join my team. How can I convince you? There’s always something… maybe blackmail? I bet Moses has some secrets out there. But I’d rather you choose to come work for me.
Victoria Mars: I can play as dirty as you. You don’t want me as an enemy.
Detective Mustache: No, I want you as my employee. Think about it. Bye!
Look, is he shady? Undoubtedly. But, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, so is she! I don’t know that I think working for Detective Mustache would be the worst thing in the world, as long as Victoria Mars is careful when negotiating her salary and benefits. Will she take the job? Will Duke Silver mend fences with his boss? Answers (hopefully) next time!
