What’s more annoying than losing something important? At first, I’d have said losing something important and having to bite the bullet and ask your maid/best friend Ivy to help you find it, earning yourself a well deserved lecture about your messy ways, but actually, there’s a worse option: having your item found by your red-tape loving enemy Morgue Bureaucrat, and then getting arrested for breaking and entering for your troubles. On the plus side, it could be worse: you could be arrested by your friend/esrtwhile semi-boyfriend Duke Silver, who would be sure to give you a very bitchy lecture whilst slapping on the cuffs.
Ivy, really has a good reason to say “I told you so” re: Victoria Mars’ procrastination on re-sizing her mother’s ring: Uh, good luck with being arrested, I guess? I’ll go find Duke Silver.
Victoria Mars: LMAO thank you!
Personally, I can’t wait for Ivy to find our other detective, because your boy is currently enjoying the aftermath of an adult sleepover in a room so swanky it absolutely must belong to the woman in bed next to him; he just isn’t a brocade kind of dude, ya know? I’m quickly proven right, as he rolls over and ignores the incessant knocking outside in favor of making his companion answer her own dang door.
Ivy, from outside: Heyyyyy… sorry to bug you but is Duke Silver there?
Duke Silver’s Hot Ladyfriend: It’s for you.
Ivy, still outside, just louder: Duke Silver!! I need your help — it’s about Victoria Mars.
Duke Silver:
Ivy: She’s been arrested!
Duke Silver: Tell her it’s my day off!
Duke Silver’s Hot Ladyfriend: Back it up: who the heck is Victoria Mars??
That does it: Hot Ladyfriend, like everyone else, assumes that Victoria Mars is Duke Silver’s wife, and immediately kicks him to the curb and starts throwing his stuff out the window. Ivy’s pretty chill, so she doesn’t rub Duke Silver’s deshabille in his face too hard. While he gathers his belongings, Victoria Mars is questioned by one of the new cops who’s decidedly more hardscrabble than wee Baby Detective.
Victoria Mars: There must be some kind of mistake. Not on your end, of course, you’re a great cop. Just in general!
Hardscrabble, unamused: Last night someone broke a window at the morgue, got into the office, and stole some very confidential paperwork.
Victoria Mars: If that’s true, what a bummer! Look, Morgue Bureaucrat hates me, but that’s a him problem. I’m not a thief!
Hardscrabble: Sure, but how do you explain the fact that your ring was found at the crime scene?
Victoria Mars, deciding to turn on the waterworks: I simply cannot fathom how my ring ended up there! I, like all ladies, am barred from the mortuary because our delicate constitutions simply cannot handle such masculine terrifying death!
Here’s the thing: Victoria Mars, as we’ve noted several times this season alone, is adept at picking locks! Why smash a window when you can get in undetected? Not that she should use that argument, probably, but still! In any case, she doesn’t get a chance to try logic on the rapidly-becoming-terrified Hardscrabble, because Duke Silver has finally put in an appearance.
Victoria Mars: I’m so sorry to have dragged you into this nonsense.
Duke Silver: You should be, it’s my day off!
Victoria Mars, totally unaware of the irony of this question: Were you doing something nice?
Duke Silver:
Victoria Mars: Real talk, I have no idea how my ring ended up there.
Duke Silver, knows her too well: Dude, I know you too well! You better tell me the truth or I’m going to arrest you.
Victoria Mars: UGH, FINE. Yes, I went to the mortuary yesterday, but only because I have a bunch of cases that are held up because Morgue Bureaucrat won’t share info. I had no choice but to break in. It’s all just a misunderstanding!
Duke Silver: You literally just told me that you broke in and stole files last night, what is there possibly to misunderstand??
Victoria Mars: Excuse you, I never said I stole the files! I just looked at them and put them back! Also, I didn’t break in: I have a key.
Duke Silver, pouring himself a hefty glass of morning whiskey: You copied a key? For a city building???
Victoria Mars: Again, what was I supposed to do! Look, someone else broke in — I wouldn’t lie to you!
Duke Silver:
Baby Detective, entering the chat: Hi!
Victoria Mars: Good morning, kiddo. Great haircut!
Duke Silver: Dude. I’m not here! I’m on my day off! You gotta get better at professional lies!
Baby Detective: I know, but New Superintendent wants to talk to you urgently.
Duke Silver: FINE. Victoria Mars, don’t even think about moving until I get back! This is a really big deal, and it’s going to be super hard to prove you didn’t do this!
He’s not wrong! I’m sure Victoria Mars, in light of the gravity of the situation, will do as requested and wait right there until they can sort this out together as partners.
Heading into New Superintendent’s office, Duke Silver is introduced to a man named Mr. Thackeray, which makes me, a millennial writing this recap the week before Halloween, incapable of picturing this man as anything but a puritan lad turned into a cat.
New Superintendent: Meet Non-Cat Thackery, the chief coroner.
Duke Silver: Ah. So you must be here about the break in?
New Superintendent: Break ins, with an s: we just heard from a couple other locations that had files stolen.
Non-Cat Thackery: But it sounds like you guys have the person who did it in custody, and with her history of rule breaking and being a pain in Morgue Bureaucrat’s butt… case closed! Also, real talk amongst bros: a lady detective? Hilarious!
Duke Silver, surprisingly supportive: Yes, she’s had some disagreements with the clerk, but —
New Superintendent: We literally found evidence that places her at the scene of one of the crimes. This is like police work 101, kid.
Non-Cat Thackery: I want her charged asap!
New Superintendent: Totally. Duke Silver, take her to holding while we look into this.
Non-Cat Thackery: Why bother?
New Superintendent: Good point. Charge her. That’s an order.
You all know where this is going, right? Duke Silver is all ready to apologize for doing his job, but when he arrives at his office, there’s no Victoria Mars to be found.
Obviously Duke Silver does the only rational thing in this situation, which is to head over to Victoria Mars’ house so he can complain to Ivy about their mutual annoyance at our heroine.
Duke Silver: AND she made me look bad!
Ivy: More importantly, she could be in danger!
Duke Silver: Not as much danger as she’ll be when I get ahold of her.
Ivy: Little bit of a racy implication for our setting, pal.
Duke Silver: Seriously, Ivy, this is bad for me AND she’s in major trouble! I can’t help her if I can’t find her! There’s only one person who can help us, and I super don’t want to talk to him.
Ivy: You think Moses knows something?
Duke Silver, exiting: Yeah, because those two are besties, and she actually respects him. If you hear anything, loop me in ASAP, ok?
You know what, Duke Silver was right to assume Moses might be involved, because the second he leaves, the man himself pops out of the pantry where he was hiding this whole time. Was he followed?
Moses: You always ask me that!
Ivy: Dude, I’m SUPER worried, ok? Are you sure this is the right move?
Moses: Stick to the plan. You just straight up lied to a cop, you got this.
Meanwhile, back at the station, Duke Silver deals with the fallout from Victoria Mars’ disappearing act with his boss. New Superintendent is, to put it mildly, unimpressed. He’s also a big ol’ sexist, and thinks our girl should be easier to catch because she’s a lady.
Duke Silver: She’s a P.I.; she’s got contacts.
New Superintendent: Including you, from what I hear.
Duke Silver: I had nothing to do with this, but also, she isn’t the one who stole those files.
New Superintendent, saying the right thing but for the wrong reason: Look, we have a conflict of interest here: I’m putting you on another case.
Duke Silver: No! Just give me one day.
New Superintendent: Non-Cat Thackery is a big deal, and he could make my life really bad. I haven’t been in this job long, but if you get me in trouble you are donezo. You get one (1) day to find her. *chugs whiskey*
Duke Silver is obviously very stressed about this, but you know what, reader? I LOVE a ticking clock, so I, personally, am all about it. I’m also all about what’s about to happen over at the morgue, where Morgue Bureaucrat is very deferentially entertaining a mystery guest. Who could it be?
Ivy, putting on a fancy voice and impersonating Non-Cat Thackery’s wife: Thank you so much for having me! My darling husband sent me down here to check on you after that horrible theft situation.
Morgue Bureaucrat: Wow, the chief coroner? Caring about little old moi? So nice! I can’t lie, this whole thing has me feeling so violated. Someone came into my beautiful fortress of solitude! And I know who it was too.
Ivy as Non-Cat Thackery’s wife, looking askance at the “beautiful” fortress of solitude: I heard! Some young broad, right? Unnatural for a lady to be a detective.
Morgue Bureaucrat: She’s no lady! But I won’t have to deal with her any more, at least.
Ivy as Non-Cat Thackery’s wife: Hmmmm, totally. What exactly did she take?
Morgue Bureaucrat: Didn’t you say your husband told you all about it?
Ivy as Non-Cat Thackery’s wife: Uh. He sure did! But I forgot it all — you know how our little lady brains work!
Morgue Bureaucrat: I don’t believe you. I can tell that a lady like you clearly has brains AND beauty.
Ivy as Non-Cat Thackery’s wife, really thought she was busted, and not getting flirted with: Well. Thank you? But still, I just don’t recall. Details?
Morgue Bureaucrat: I don’t want to talk about it. That Victoria Mars just gets me so angry!
Ivy as Non-Cat Thackery’s wife: Oh, I totally forgot: my husband and I wanted to invite you for dinner tonight. But I’ll keep my questions light, I don’t want to stress you out.
Morgue Bureaucrat, changing his tune immediately: OMG, dinner at the boss’ house?? I’ll tell you anything you want to know!
Nailed it! Later, Ivy meets up with Moses to fill him in: the files all pertained to unidentified bodies found over a decade ago in the summer of 1857. Nothing else was taken.
Ivy: We should tell Victoria Mars, no?
Moses: Not yet. I need to bring her more info.
Ivy: Hm. And where exactly is this safe house? It better be nice!
It’s not! But the company is: remember Clementine? She’s back, and somehow has even more feathers in her outfit than last time. Reader, I love her. Anyway, Victoria Mars fills her in on the whole “I’ve been framed” thing, and Clementine has a potential lead: her sister, who’s also called Clementine, works that street. If something happened on her turf, Clementine 2 would know about it.
Clementine: She’s horrible, but I could go visit and ask questions… for a price.
Victoria Mars, can’t even be mad about it: Yeah alright, have some cash.
Back at the station, Duke Silver is in the middle of briefing his team, explaining that finding Moses is the key to finding Victoria Mars, when Baby Detective comes running in with info he found.
Duke Silver: We’ll talk about that in a second. Everyone else, get to work.
Baby Detective: Did I say something bad?
Duke Silver: Shut the door. Look, I don’t think Victoria Mars is guilty, but I have orders to find her instead of looking for the actual perp. What you’re working on should stay between us. Problem?
Baby Detective, thinking it over and deciding that on balance, he really would rather Parent Trap his work parents than betray his work dad: No.
Here’s what Baby Detective found: in addition to what we already know (unidentified bodies, 1857, etc) he was trying to find out if there were any similarities between the cases, but that info is only in the records… and on the tombstones. Baby Detective has helpfully pulled maps of the cemeteries where the bodies are buried. All fourteen of them. Can Baby Detective come on the cemetery tour field trip? No: this has to be on the DL, so he’s back to desk duty.
Much later, across town, Clementine returns from visiting her sister and is immediately pounced upon by Victoria Mars.
Victoria Mars, not good at chilling out: OMG you’re back! What did you find out? Did she see anything?
Clementine, drunk and falling asleep: Saw the perp with her own eyes. Well, eye: the other one’s never been the same since that fight with our gran.
Victoria Mars: She saw who did it??
Clementine is, alas, already asleep. I sure hope she remembers what she heard once she wakes up! Whilst Victoria Mars has a meltdown, Duke Silver makes for the cemetery to begin his investigation, and gets a lot more than he bargained for: as he arrives, he finds a distraught woman confronting literal grave robbers, who run for the hills when they see Duke Silver.
Cemetery Lady: I’ll call the cops on you!
Duke Silver: Uh, hi. I’m the cops. You ok?
Cemetery Lady: Not really! My husband’s the vicar and he’s out of town. Grave robbers like that have no morals! I’m scared!
Duke Silver: Do you know who’s buried here?
Cemetery Lady: Nobody does. It’s a pauper grave.
Of course, Duke Silver can’t just let this one go, so he brings her back to the station for questioning, and gets a VERY long winded overview of the whole affair. Her take is that the robbers were body snatchers.
Cemetery Lady: They make a LOT of cash selling bodies to medical schools.
Me: Totally accurate, but you’re missing the key thing of wanting fresh corpses, not decade-old ones.
Cemetery Lady: Anyway, I yelled at them to stop, and they were clearly surprised that anyone was at the vicarage. They must have thought no one was home. Then they saw you and ran. If you hadn’t arrived in time I shudder to think what would happen.
Duke Silver: Did you get a look at them?
Cemetery Lady: Both average build, no distinguishing features. They were dirty though! Sorry I’m not more helpful!
Duke Silver, barely containing his annoyance at how unhelpful that was: Nooooo, you were great. My guy’s going to take you home.
Hardscrabble: Hey, so we found that Moses guy. Want us to bring him in?
Duke Silver: No. He’s mine.
Look, reader, I kinda ship that, not going to lie to you! Anway, while this is happening, Ivy’s out doing the shopping when she runs into Morgue Bureaucrat.
Ivy, handling this like a champ: Oh hi!! Nice to see you again.
Morgue Bureaucrat: Back at ya! I was just visiting my mum and telling her the great news that I’ve been honored with an invite to your house later :) I’m going to get a new tie since this is such a big deal. Mother would have LOVED to join us.
Ivy, panic-improvising: … well she could come too, if you want?
Morgue Bureaucrat: Oh, you’re so sweet, but she’s dead. I was visiting her grave.
Ivy: Well. Ok. I better get going! Dinner won’t make itself!
Morgue Bureaucrat: Gotta say, it’s weird that someone as fancy as you does her own shopping.
Ivy: Sure is. But I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for tonight, so there you are. Catch ya later, alligator!
Morgue Bureaucrat, watching her walk away: Damn she’s amazing :)
Veggie seller, wandering over: Sure is! I love Ivy!
Morgue Bureaucrat: WHOMST?
While our red-tape-bedecked friend tries to process that revelation, Victoria Mars tries to pry similarly informative news out of the newly awake Clementine.
Clementine: Damn, that was a great dream: Moses took me out to dinner and he looked HOT.
Me: Rude to put that image out there and not show us the dream, but I’ll forgive you just this once, show.
Victoria Mars, has no time for men: Good, you’re up! What did Clementine say?
Clementine: Which one, there are five of us!
Victoria Mars: Clementine 2, the one who saw the break in!
Clementine: OH. She said it was raining that night, so she was hanging out under the morgue awning when she saw him.
Victoria Mars: Did she say what he looked like?
Clementine: Black hair, blue eyes, saucy grin. She didn’t know him.
Victoria Mars: Well, it’s a start. Hang on, though: it hasn’t rained for weeks! And if it was dark, how did she know he had blue eyes?
Clementine: She’s got good eyesight.
Victoria Mars: You literally just told me she’s only got one eye! Oh my god, you didn’t go see her, you just went out drinking with my cash!
Clementine, dropping all pretenses: Look, she’s terrifying! She once baked my pet mouse into a pie!
Victoria Mars: I want my cash back.
Clementine, leaving: Would LOVE to hang out more, but I have to work. Bye!
Can’t lie, I respect the hustle. Also, I’m hoping we get to see Victoria Mars take on Clementine 2! Speaking of conflict, across town, Duke Silver grabs Moses for a round of “whose close-talking is more intimidating?”
Duke Silver: Where is she?
Moses: See this pub we’re outside of? This is where grave robbers party. Let me go in there and ask some questions. Maybe even find out about those two that ran away from you.
Duke Silver: Have you been following me?
Moses: Look, if you go in there they’ll make you immediately.
Duke Silver: Why would you help me?
Moses: We both know she’s innocent, and those guys are the key to finding the actual culprit. So I’ll help you… for her. And for money, obviously.
Duke Silver: I don’t work with criminals. Too bad Victoria Mars can’t say the same. I’m going in there.
Moses, sarcastic: Good luck!
Unsurprisingly, Moses’ assertion that the crims would spot a cop a mile off turns out to be very correct. The barman addresses Duke Silver as “inspector” and as our friend is about to take the first sip of his drink, he turns around to realize that every eye in the place is trained on him, and not in a fun “you just crushed it at karaoke” kind of way.
Having a similarly bad time is Ivy, who’s in the middle of laundry when she answers the door to find Morgue Bureaucrat. She valiantly tries to roll with it, but he cuts her off immediately.
Morgue Bureaucrat: So, your real name is Ivy?
Ivy: Yup. And I’m really really sorry I lied to you. There’s a good reason.
Morgue Bureaucrat: There’s never a good reason for lying! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised: you run a house for that horrible Victoria Mars, no wonder you’re unchristian.
Ivy: Excuse you! I never lie, but I love that girl and I will do anything for her.
Morgue Bureaucrat: I should never have bought it. The chief coroner would never invite someone like me for dinner. I should know my place by now.
Ivy: I really am very sorry — I’ve never done anything like this before.
Morgue Bureaucrat: Well, you had me fooled, so good job I guess?
UGH, how dare this show make me feel bad for a stick in the mud like Morgue Bureaucrat?? Anyway, while this is happening, a couple of dudes are playing cards in a dark, creepy building. They’re engaging in the time-honored tradition of smack talk involving each other’s mothers when a man sidles out of the shadows. You guessed it: that man is Moses, and he’s here to talk to them about the grave robbing business. Later that evening, the three hang out in a cemetery and the two card playing grave robbers spill the beans. Or rather, they’re about to when a whole horde of cops descends on the group and arrests all three of them. Duke Silver, unsurprisingly, is positively gleeful to have finally gotten a reason to arrest Moses.
Dragging the men back to the station, Duke Silver tells his men to keep the suspects separated, and that he, the grinch himself, will question Moses. But once they’re out of sight, Duke Silver takes the cuffs off: this whole thing was Moses’ idea, and it was all a ruse to nab the actual grave robbers! Very into these two collaborating, a situation so surprising that I legit rewound the episode to make sure I heard right. Thieves rounded up, Moses takes his cash and heads out, ignoring Duke Silver’s offer of an even bigger payout for Victoria Mars’ location. Meanwhile, in New Superintendent’s office, Non-Cat Thackery is throwing a hissy fit. How, he yells, has Victoria Mars not yet been apprehended? He’s going to speak to New Superintendent’s manager! Storming off, despite New Superintendent’s attempt to placate him, this grumpy man is replaced by the younger and slightly less grumpy Duke Silver, who tries to tell his boss about the whole grave robbing thing.
New Superintendent: Did you find Victoria Mars?
Duke Silver: Not yet, but I have something better.
Bringing his boss to the interrogation room, Duke Silver has Card Shark Body Snatcher explain that no, Victoria Mars didn’t hire him to rob graves, nor did she break into the mortuaries. The robber was a different, older blonde woman, and Card Shark Body Snatcher knows she did the break in because she used the stolen files to give the grave robbers a list of places to dig.
Duke Silver: What was she looking for?
Card Shark Body Snatcher: No idea. But whatever it was, she didn’t get it: we just found bags of bones.
Duke Silver: Do you know her name? Can you describe her at least?
Card Shark Body Snatcher: Don’t know her name, but I don’t need to describe her to you — you met her!
Duke Silver:
New Superintendent:
Card Shark Body Snatcher: We thought for sure you’d arrest her; she obviously couldn’t run away in a dress.
Duke Silver: I only met the vicar’s wife.
Card Shark Body Snatcher: LMAO, that was NOT the vicar’s wife.
Heading into the hall, New Superintendent takes this opportunity to rip into Duke Silver for letting a second suspect get away. To be fair, he had no reason to suspect this one, but New Superintendent is having a bad day so I can understand why he’s pissed. Regardless, he decides to go back to his original assessment, and assign someone else to this case, ignoring Duke Silver’s protests. Look, is this a stumbling block? Yes. But I think it’s important to remember the progress we’ve made! At least we all now know it wasn’t Victoria Mars!
Speaking of whom, over at Clementine’s place, the lady in question is going through her notes for the one millionth time when Clementine returns looking as though she just finished an amateur boxing match. You guessed it: she went to go see Clementine 2, but don’t worry: you should see the other gal.
Clementine: Anyway, she did see the thief: older lady, black dress, fair hair. She didn’t recognize the woman, but there’s a detective who drinks at the same bar as me and that guy had DETAILS.
Victoria Mars: Dish!
Just gonna say it: Clementine is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters on this show. Anyway, after they go over the info, Victoria Mars decides she’s done hiding out, leaving just as Moses arrives to fetch her.
Victoria Mars, also part of the Clementine fan club: Remind me to hire her more often, she rocks. Anyway, off to solve the case!
Moses: You haven’t been working the case though! Don’t you need info from me? Like the news that you’re —
Victoria Mars: Off the hook? I heard! Let’s boogie!
See, this is why I like Moses. If Duke Silver had been scooped like that, he’d look approximately like this:
Instead, Moses is just delighted that his friend is back in action. Anyway, speaking of Duke Silver, he takes Baby Detective on a field trip out to the graveyard where we met Cemetery Lady earlier. As anticipated, she’s definitely not the vicar’s wife.
Duke Silver: Where’s that info I need?
Baby Detective: In my head! You’re technically not on the case, so I figured that’d be safer.
Duke Silver: Look kid, we’re not in a John le Carré story. And I don’t want to talk about being taking off the case.
Baby Detective, bless him: It’s all anyone CAN talk about!
Duke Silver: Hush. Tell me what you know.
Baby Detective: Cemetary Lady was part of a gang of diamond smugglers from the 50s. Served 25 years in Newgate and just got out last week.
I think I know where this is going, and so does Duke Silver, who’s also just noticed that someone has sent flowers to one of the pauper graves. Why would anyone do that? Naturally, they head to the florist to investigate, and find out that that grave receives flowers every month. While the florist looks up the sender’s address, Baby Detective tries once again to initiate a heart to heart with his mentor: has Duke Silver ever been taken off a case before?
Duke Silver: I thought I said I didn’t want to talk about it! No, I haven’t, but this is no big deal. It happens.
Baby Detective: For what it’s worth, your replacement sucks. I mean, nevermind. You don’t want to talk.
Duke Silver: I don’t. But also that guy’s a terrible detective!
Florist: Here’s that address. BTW, you’re not the first person who came to ask about this today.
Duke Silver: Who else?
Florist: Blonde gal, kinda intense.
Shortly thereafter, in a surprise to no one, both of our detective friends turn up outside the flower sender’s address.
Victoria Mars: Heeeeey buddy!
Duke Silver: Not sure where to even START with you. Baby Detective, watch our friend in the carriage, please.
Baby Detective: Will do! Hey Victoria Mars :)
Duke Silver: Don’t talk to her! Don’t let her out of your sight! You, I’ll deal with later.
Can’t wait for her to somehow escape Baby Detective’s “watchful eye,” but first we have something interesting going on. You see, when Duke Silver knocks on the mystery flower sender’s house, who should open the door but one Non-Cat Thackery! After inviting our detective pal inside, the two men gently question each other.
Non-Cat Thackery: I thought you were taken off the case?
Duke Silver: And I thought you sending flowers to one of the graves in those stolen files might be something worth mentioning way earlier?
Non-Cat Thackery: Ohhh, it’s no big deal! Just a coincidence!
Me, you, everyone who’s seen a detective show before, AND Duke Silver:
Non-Cat Thackery: There’s a simple explanation, but not something I want to talk about. I don’t have to explain myself to you.
Duke Silver: I mean, if you want you can talk to my replacement, but he’s a LOT less discreet than I am.
Non-Cat Thackery: Ugh, fine. I grew up in a workhouse, which I don’t like to talk about, especially since I’m all fancy now. Anyway, I’ve always been a social climber, and I sure succeeded. People helped me along the way, like my wife, and I’m very thankful. So basically, I like to charitably send flowers to pauper graves I find out about through my job. It’s a little thing but it helps be remember that that’s how I could have turned out.
Duke Silver: I appreciate your honesty, but I still have questions.
Meanwhile, in the carriage, Baby Detective is trying his very best to follow Duke Silver’s order to simultaneously ignore and watch Victoria Mars. It’s not going great!
Victoria Mars: How’d you guys find me?
Baby Detective: Duke Silver told me not to talk to you.
Victoria Mars: Fine. But I’m surprised such a well-mannered gentleman like you would be so rude to a lady.
Baby Detective, instantly taking the bait: I’m only following orders! You know I would never be rude on purpose, I think you’re the cat’s pajamas!
Victoria Mars, 100% lying: I don’t want to get you in trouble! And answering one teensy little question can’t be bad, can it? I won’t tell Duke Silver.
Baby Detective: The florist told us you’d asked for the address.
Victoria Mars: … I didn’t talk to the florist, Moses got that info for me.
Turns out there’s more than one intense blonde gal in the world, or indeed, in this story arc! Speaking of whom, inside the house, Duke Silver’s asked Non-Cat Thackery about Cemetery Lady, and is getting a staunch denial that the chief coroner has any clue who the older blonde is. Perhaps, dare I say, too staunch?
Duke Silver: Seems a bit weird that you’re so dead set on getting rid of me.
Non-Cat Thackery: My reputation is at stake!
A glass, from the next room: *shatters*
Duke Silver: I thought you said you were alone?
Non-Cat Thackery: Uh… that’s the maid? Probably?
Duke Silver, drawing his weapon: Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and investigate.
Turns out our friend doesn’t need to investigate, because Cemetery Lady goes ahead and comes out of the other room, holding Non-Cat Thackery’s real wife at gunpoint.
Non-Cat Thackery: Cemetery Lady, please don’t do this!
Cemetery Lady: I’ll deal with you later! Duke Silver, drop the gun, or I’ll drop her.
Duke Silver: Ok, fine. Here.
Cemetery Lady: Actually, you know what, I think I might just kill her anyway!
Victoria Mars, sneaking into the fight: Let’s have you not do that though.
Whew, right in the nick of time! Bet she still gets a lecture from Duke Silver though.
Duke Silver, proving me right: You know using a cop’s weapon is illegal, right?
Victoria Mars: I’m sorry, would you have preferred it if I sent in Baby Detective?
Duke Silver:
Hard to argue! Back at the station, all the details come out. Non-Cat Thackery isn’t actually the chief coroner’s name, and back in the day, he was engaged to Cemetery Lady. They were petty theives, but they did pull off a sick diamond heist. Anyway, he got the loot and tried to run from his then-fiance, but she found him. Furious that he’d swallowed the diamonds, she cut up his face pretty good. When the cops came knocking, she was arrested, but he got away, and with her in jail he was able to completely reinvent himself by faking his own death. The corpse he used is the one he sends flowers to each month.
Later, Duke Silver shares this information with New Superintendent a bit more cheekily than might be advisable.
Duke SIlver: Didn’t he tell you he got that scar from Crimea?
New Superintendent: He tells everyone that!
Duke Silver: OH I’m not criticizing you! Anyway, Cemetery Lady read about her fiance dying in the paper, and when she got out of jail, she tracked down his grave to try and find the diamonds. Of course, she had no way of knowing he’d sold them to pay for his new life: med school, fancy clothes, the whole nine yards.
New Superintendent: And what about your pal Victoria Mars?
Duke Silver: Non-Cat Thackery was hoping to pin the whole thing on her. I think he hoped that if Cemetery Lady did find him he’d be able to make a deal with her.
New Superintendent, taking a huge pull of whiskey: Ok. Gotcha. That’s all.
Duke Silver: Sir, I do want to apologize; I know I disobeyed orders…
New Superintendent:
Important note: in the middle of this story, Hardscrabble gets called in to listen to the update. He looks nervous and confused, and TBH, so am I, at least until New Superintendent asks Hardscrabble about himself as Duke Silver is leaving, which is clearly meant to communicate to our detective pal that he’s no longer on the top of New Superintendent’s preferred mentee list. Garbage, but what can you do.
Duke Silver, naturally, heads right over to complain about this to Victoria Mars.
Victoria Mars, correct: Men are so petty! I’m sure he’ll get over it though.
Duke Silver: He totally won’t. Loyalty is everything to guys like that. I disobeyed him.
Victoria Mars: Ugh, so this is my fault?
Duke Silver: Uh, yes.
Victoria Mars: I saved that lady’s life! And yours too, probably! Separately, I hear you and Moses are basically buddies now? Looking forward to seeing more of that!
Duke Silver: You know I don’t like him! Anyway, I should get back to work.
Victoria Mars: Good call; you gotta prove your new boss is wrong to discount you.
Duke Silver: Can you like at least pretend you’re saying that for my career success reasons and not so you can use my connections?
Victoria Mars: LOL, you’re such a hater sometimes! Any plans for tonight?
Duke Silver: I had some, but Ivy ruined that.
Victoria Mars: I actually am sorry about that, btw.
Speaking of Ivy, guess who’s at the door when Victoria Mars opens it to see Duke Silver out? It’s Morgue Bureaucrat!! Just as I’d hoped, he isn’t here to talk to either detective. No, he’s been invited to dinner! By Ivy! Look, I’m sorry, but anything that leaves Victoria Mars this flummoxed and puts a smile on Ivy’s face is a win in my book. Will Duke Silver get back into New Superintendent’s good books? Will Ivy’s whole thing with Morgue Bureaucrat last? And will we ever meet Clementines 2-5? Only one way to find out, and that’s to watch next week’s episode!
