'Van der Valk' Season 2 Episode 1 Recap: X marks the spot

Well, friends, it’s been a couple of years since season one of Van der Valk. When we left our pals, they had just gotten through a tense gunfight with the be-earringed son of the crooked former cop Nemesis of both Van der Valk (who I’ve dubbed Euro Cash because of his penchant for black clothing and aloof vibes) and his boss, Big Cheese. Despite Euro Cash’s misgivings about new co-worker Clooves, our protagonist trusted his young colleague enough to let him save the day. With Mysterious Earring Guy and Nemesis safely out of the way, are there even any bad guys LEFT in Amsterdam?

Yes, obviously, as evidenced by the murdered lady posed as a scarecrow someone’s undoubtedly about to find. Also, because this show is just determined to show off how much cooler the Netherlands are than the rest of us, we’re starting out with a beautiful shot of a wind farm. Look, you can just go ahead and call me Don Quixote, because this gal loves a windmill! Sustainable energy? Hell yeah. Anyway, back in the city, while two nice looking young ladies meet up for dinner, a guy in gloves writes a note in VERY fancy calligraphy. It’s definitely creepy, and I’m right to be worried, because later that night, when one of the women goes home, a man sneaks up behind her and drowns her in her fish tank.

Also not good? At an outdoor cafe, a gaggle of pretty young things giggle their way over to a mysterious stranger in the corner to get their flirt on. They clearly think he’s handsome, but we know better: it’s just grumpy ol’ Euro Cash! You’re barking up the wrong tree, ladies!

Them: We’re new in town, and you look like you know the city!
Euro Cash, very reluctantly: A bit.
Them: YAY! Then you can help us turn this night fun, and we LOVE a fun night.
Euro Cash, saying what I’m thinking: Do I seem fun to you?
Them: Yeah. Where do you want to go?
Euro Cash: Home.
Them, misunderstanding his meaning: Oooooh, cheeky! Let’s do it!
Euro Cash: Alone.
Them:

Lucky for Euro Cash, he’s saved by a blonde woman who walks up, kisses him, and asks if he’s ready to go, or if he was trying to flirt with someone else. As the girls flee, Euro Cash shoots her a questioning look that confirms my suspicion that this broad is not, in fact, a new love interest (yet) but is instead a total stranger.

Super Blonde: You looked like you needed a rescue.
Euro Cash, contrary to the end: Maybe I was playing hard to get.
Super Blonde: Doubt it.
Euro Cash: Ugh, fine, you’re right. Thank you …?
Super Blonde: Lena. Welp, guess you’re free to go then.
Euro Cash: I guess I am.

Look, we all know where this is going, so let’s just skip the part where he pretends he’s NOT interested in hooking up with this gal: they obviously go and do just that. Meanwhile, it’s finally time for me to be reunited with my favorite member of the squad, Clooves, who’s taken up boxing in the time between seasons. Anyway, he’s clearly using the sport as a way to work through some big stressful feelings, so I was already ready to excuse his less than perfect technique before we got to see him iron his clothes for the day shirtless.

The next morning, Euro Cash walk of shames his way back to his boat where Hassell is waiting: they have a crime scene. Coffee chugged, they head out to the wind farm, where Woodsman Cop is back on his himbo nonsense, bless him.

Woodsman Cop: Well, as you can see, lots of footprints and tire tracks.
Hassell: Ah, yes: these ones come from a white male in his thirties, average build.
Woodsman Cop: Are you a wizard?
Euro Cash: No dude, she’s describing you. Good gravy.

Colleague dunked on, they approach the body and Drunkie Howser, who explains that the victim has an injection mark, so he’s guessing poison (though drug use can’t be ruled out entirely). Most likely she was killed somewhere else and then brought here. Also, someone carved a big creepy X into her stomach after she died and left a calligraphed note tacked inside her coat.

The note: It’s about ethics. Where’s XX? Follow the philosopher’s eye.
Hassell: A murderer with ethics? Sure.
Euro Cash: Ugh; weird note, creepy markings? This would be a great time to have Clooves around.

Dang, ok, I was not expecting such a correct 180 from Euro Cash. Good job, bud! Speaking of Clooves, he’s outside the courthouse giving himself a pep talk when he’s joined by the Big Cheese (who’s sporting a new haircut!).

Big Cheese: It IS going to be ok. You did nothing wrong.
Clooves: I killed someone.
Big Cheese: You saved a fellow officer’s life.
Clooves, clearly still conflicted: We should head in.

Back at the crime scene, Hassel brings up the possibility that since there are two Xs in the note, there might be another murder. Everyone agrees, especially since this one was so obviously staged and theatrical. Heading back into the city, Euro Cash and Hassell go to notify the victim Susie’s husband of her death. He’s a partner at the same law firm where she works, and self identifies as a big ol smartypants, so this interaction should be interesting. Entering the very swanky office, they find a private place to talk with Susie’s husband Roland.

Hassell: We’re going to need info on all your wife’s cases, specifically anything that would leave her with an angry client. When did you last see her?
Smartypants Roland: Three days ago.
Hassell: And that didn’t raise any concerns?
Smartypants Roland: I thought she might have gone to visit friends or relatives. I was worried!
Euro Cash: But not enough to call her?
Hassell: She had a LOT of missed calls, mostly work stuff, but not a single one from you.
Smartypants Roland: I was slammed!
Euro Cash, noticing a pile of books on the table: Your wife was found at a wind farm outside the city. Does that make any sense to you? Also, how’d you get that cut on your hand?
Smartypants Roland: No. And I fell while playing squash.

Interview over, for now, our dynamic duo heads back to the station, musing on how weird it is that he didn’t call his wife. Euro Cash, however, correctly points out that it would be weirder if Smartypants Roland HAD killed Susie: the call would be a smart way to cover his tracks. They’re reviewing Susie’s movements the day she was killed (she had a bus ticket from an out of the way part of town, which is interesting) when Euro Cash gets a call that he answers on the FIRST ring. Why? Because it’s Lena, of course.

Hassell:

Despite her obvious urge to snoop, Hassell is a good bestie, so she heads into the kitchenette for coffee while the lovebirds talk. The SECOND Euro Cash joins her, though, the gloves are off.

Hassell: Sooooooo. You answered your phone, almost like a normal human! Does she know what you do for work?
Euro Cash: No.
Hassell: You know you’re going to have to tell someone someday, right?

Euro Cash obviously runs away rather than engage with that, leaving Hassell to make fun of Woodsman Cop who is for some reason trying to pretend that he’s not on this show’s version of Tinder. Pausing his swiping, he pulls out a truly gigantic attache (Susie’s current caseload) and explains that the mysterious bus ticket may be tied to the case of a bunch of squatter artists, who were recently evicted from their encampment. Susie was the lawyer who won the case for the city. I smell a motive! But before we can unpack that, Big Cheese escorts in Clooves, who was (obviously) exonerated. Woodsman Cop starts cheering and jumps up to hug Clooves, followed by Hassell, while Big Cheese confers with Euro Cash: neither of them have anything important to share, except that they reveal that Big Cheese’s dog Trojan, last season’s Good Boy, has DIED? Are you kidding me, show?

Big Cheese: He was the only dog for me; I won’t be getting another. You miss him too, why don’t YOU get a dog?
Euro Cash: Because that would be like a commitment?

Reader, Trojan’s bed and food bowl are still in Big Cheese’s office.

Now that he’s been cleared, Clooves doesn’t waste a second before diving into the case. Of course, he’s quickly charmed by the squatters, referring to them as an artist community, and digging into their case. There’s a LOT of info to sift through, and naturally, Woodsman Cop jumps to the obvious conclusion: the artists probably got revenge on the lawyer who evicted them. It’s worth following up, so Euro Cash sends Woodsman Cop and Hassell down to the encampment, taking Clooves with him to speak to the artists’ lawyer. He also claps Clooves on the shoulder, chummy like.

Everyone who isn’t Euro Cash, watching that happen:

At the encampment, Woodsman Cop continues to be weirdly closed minded about the artists, who seem to have created a pretty fun and vibrant community.

Woodsman Cop: I thought they lost the case?
Artsy Hippie: We did! But we’re proud of what we’ve achieved, and we have a few days before we have to leave, so… party!
Woodsman Cop: What’s your deal here anyway?
Artsy Hippie: Oh, everyone does a bit of everything. Like I’m an inventor: want to try some of this homemade rum?
Hassell: WAY too early. And here’s my badge: we need to ask some questions.
Artsy Hippie: Sure, come join. Talk to anyone you want.

After a few ice breakers, Hassell and Woodsman Cop finally tell some of the artists why they’re there. The group honestly seem pretty upset about the news, and quickly agree to share a list of everyone living in the encampment. Meanwhile, across town, Clooves and Euro Cash muse over the case.

Euro Cash: I don’t like this kind of stuff.
Clooves: Whaaat? I thought you were all into sudoku and stuff. Also, we all saw last season of the detective show with your name on it, so… what gives?
Euro Cash: I like to be ornery and mysterious, you know this.

Their conversation is interrupted by a woman in a fabulous rainbow jacket and slippers: the artists’ lawyer. She isn't super excited to talk to them, but what are you gonna do; they have badges. Inside, Euro Cash asks if she’s planning to move: all of her stuff is boxed up.

Artists’ Lawyer: Look, I’m leaving because this system stinks and I got sick of losing.
Euro Cash: Susie was murdered, and we think her death might be connected to the eviction case.
Artists’ Lawyer: Are you accusing my clients of murder? Just because they have an alternative lifestyle?
Clooves: Look, she went missing the day after the verdict, and was found dead not far from the encampment.
Euro Cash: And given that, it’s reasonable to think there’s a connection to them or you.
Artists’ Lawyer: Susie was a good lawyer. Too by-the-book for me, but I wouldn’t kill her. My clients should have won, and now they have to suffer because the system cares more about money than people. The good guys lost; it happens all the time.
Clooves: What’ll happen to the land now?
Artists’ Lawyer: The city is leasing it to a group that wants to build a tourist attraction. LOL, as if we need another one.

Just then, the smoke detector over Artists’ Lawyer’s desk starts going off, due to the cigarette she’s enjoying. Without pause, she shoves a box off a chair and into Clooves’ hands, jumps on the chair, and smashes the offending machine with her shoe.

Euro Cash, snarky: And you said you weren’t a killer.
Clooves, rattled: That’s against building code!
Euro Cash: Did you ever run into Susie’s husband btw?
Artists’ Lawyer: Yeah, he was in court all the time. I don’t know why.

Leaving her to her cigarette, the guys leave. Euro Cash tells Clooves he’s to look into her and the group that will lease the land from the city once they get back. But first, on the drive, Clooves figures out what that note meant by “ethics.”

Clooves: AHA! I was being too analytical; I needed to be more romantic. “Ethics” is a treatise on metaphysics!

Yes, it’s a book, written by basically THE Dutch philosopher, Baruch Spinoza, which wikipedia tells me is one of the best applications of Euclidean philosophy, and Clooves tells us is basically a primer that provides solutions to pretty much any problem. After everyone shares their progress, Clooves starts muttering at the note again, until Euro Cash has a brainwave: there’s a statue of Spinoza downtown. Field trip time! Once Euro Cash and Woodsman Cop get to the statue, they start to wonder if the clue is pointing them to whatever Spinoza is looking at, and, convinced enough by that line of reasoning, they call in divers to search the canal in front of the statue. Unfortunately, they’re spot on: there’s another body.

Drunkie Howser: No bloating, skin slippage, or wrinkling.
Euro Cash: Did you do the other autopsy yet?
Drunkie Howser: You’re the worst. I was just about to when I got called down here. I did hear back about the ink on that note, though: it’s made from oak gall. Old school stuff; it’s what Shakespeare and DaVinci would have written with.
Euro Cash: Hmm, and thus Spinoza too.
Drunkie Howser: Probably. The upshot is that it’s SUPER rare. Also, whoever wrote that note was left handed.

Euro Cash sends Woodsman Cop off to look for the ink, and while he scampers off, Drunkie Howser and his crew finally turn over the body. In a shock to no one, she’s got two Xs carved into her back. Uh oh. Looks like we have a potential serial killer on our hands. Unfortunately, they don’t find any identification on the body, but they do find a note shoved into her mouth.

This note: When a man is prey to his emotions, he is not his own master. Tick Tock. Who owns this city? The fire stealers.

You guessed it. That first part is also Spinoza. What’s with the obsession with a long-dead philosopher? What does it mean? And why leave a note anyway?

My guy Clooves, saying what we’re all thinking: Could be a serial killer. They like puzzles. They tend to be dudes, loners, lying smooth talkers with big egos, and have very little empathy.
Hassell, internally: Sounds like you, Euro Cash!
Euro Cash, creepily: That sounds like it could be anybody. Uh, who’s that guy in the papers you’re holding? He was in Smartypants Roland’s office earlier.
Clooves: He owns the group that got the land from the city.

Folks, this guy’s name? Ruud, pronounced Rude. While the rest of the team looks into that, Euro Cash heads off to pester Smartypants Roland, who’s having a lovely dip in a rooftop pool. Not really the type of activity one expects of a grieving widower, so naturally Euro Cash starts to pry. How was their marriage?

Smartypants Roland: It was FINE. What about yours?
Euro Cash: Never been married. Your wife spent her last night out on the edge of town. Affair, maybe?
Smartypants Roland, finally annoyed enough to stop swimming laps: I don’t know. What do any of us know about each other?
Euro Cash: You know, that almost sounds like a Spinoza quote. You a fan?
Smartypants Roland: He’s a great thinker.

And with that, he gets out of the pool and reveals himself to be buck naked and not shy about it. What, he wonders, does Spinoza have to do with his wife’s death? Euro Cash explains, and again, Smartypants Roland gets defensive and doesn’t act like someone who’s trying to act innocent. Weirdly, this makes me more convinced he didn’t do it, but who can say? Smartypants Roland also has reasonably convincing-ish answers about why RuudBoy was at the office (probably to see Susie) and why Smartypants Roland was in court so often (to support Susie).

Euro Cash: Ah, but you see, you said you didn’t know anything about the wind farm, that location was a key part of your wife’s case!
Smartypants Roland: Look, I wasn’t there every day, and if it meant something to me, why wouldn’t I tell you?
Euro Cash: Yeah, same question: why would you lie? Unless it’s just a lawyer thing.
Smartypants Roland: Look, you don’t know me at all, and if you’re just here to harass me, yeah, I am a lawyer.
Euro Cash: Is that a threat?
Smartypants Roland: Consider it free legal advice.

Euro Cash tries to get Smartypants Roland to sign a copy of his book (presumably to find out if he’s left handed) but no dice. With that, Smartypants Roland flees to the sauna. Across town, Clooves and Woodsman Cop talk with RuudBoy, who opens with a platitude about how sad it is that Susie is dead.

Clooves: You were supposed to meet her yesterday, right?
RuudBoy: Yeah, I wanted to thank her. I can start work now.
Clooves: On your tourist attraction?
RuudBoy:

It’s much more than that! It’ll be the Amsterdam Eye: the tallest observation while in Europe!

I hate to break it to you RuudBoy, but that just sounds like the plan a Bond villain would use to cover up his space fleet or something. Anyway, at the encampment, Hassell and Euro Cash talk to one of the blokes she met earlier, who happens to do calligraphy that bears a resemblance to the writing on the notes.

Euro Cash, cutting right to the chase: Know anything about oak gall ink?
Calligrapher: That’s for manuscripts, right?
Hassell: Did you get along with Susie?
Calligrapher: Not well. She planted spies in the encampment to try and get dirt on us, so I followed her around to see how she’d like that. Obviously they turned that to their advantage.
Euro Cash: How do you use these pens?
Calligrapher: Why do you want to know?
Euro Cash: Because I have two bodies with calligraphy notes written by something like this, so I want to see one in action. If you’d be so kind.

He would be so kind, as it happens, and picks up the pen with his left hand. Could it really be that easy?? Obviously, no: before he starts writing, he switches hands. Nevertheless, Euro Cash takes the paper, with permission, to check the ink. Next, the duo heads to the morgue, where Euro Cash very rudely turns off Drunkie Howser’s music. They hand over the ink sample, and then get the update: no signs of sexual assault, and both Xs were carved with the same or a very similar implement, which has two cutting edges (like a cheese slicer). Susie died of internal bleeding, leading to organ failure, triggered by a huge injection of an anticoagulant found in rat poison. The second victim has bruising around her neck, probably from being choked by a left hand. Susie also had a large, deep bruise on her arm which might be tied to Smartypants Roland’s hand injury. While they talk, Drunkie Howser gets an ID on the victim they found in the canal. Her name is Juliana, and they even have an address. Having gotten what they came for (and more) the two head out, leaving Drunkie Howser to his music and corpses.

Arriving at Juliana’s address, Hassell explains that she seems like she was a cool gal: she’s in the DNA system after getting arrested at a protest. They knock on her door, and then slowly open the unlocked door and enter to the song “Entry of the Gladiators” (which you probably know as that one song that plays at the circus) blasting through a darkened apartment covered in papers, with an X on the wall and in the fishtank. It’s already creepy as hell, and then Hassell tries to turn the music off, and instead turns ON a blacklight which reveals the message Exile Betrayal written on the wall.

Across town at the encampment, Calligrapher enters the home of Artsy Hippie, and tells his Artsy Wife that he thinks the cops are watching them, and that he needs to borrow the key to Artsy Hippie’s workshop. For some reason, Artsy Wife goes along with this, and takes Calligrapher over to the workshop to let him in. Once inside, he pulls some stuff aside to reveal that the artists? They have a SUPER advanced camera system. He tells her not to worry, and then grabs a GIANT wrench and makes for the exit. This would absolutely cause me to worry a great deal, but instead, she hauls off and kisses him in a way that makes it clear this is very much not their first rodeo. Yipes!

Back at Juliana’s house, a bunch of crime scene techs have arrived to take samples of the glowing paint, remove the windmill shaped ornament from the fishtank (the arms make the second x), and generally poke around. One thing they’ve already figured out? The paper everywhere is pages from “Ethics:” the murderer is for sure messing with them. Hassell also explains that their two victims couldn’t be more different: Juliana was big on promoting Amsterdam as a tolerant city and espousing liberal values. Also of note: the apartment is quite modest, but they saw a super swanky car outside that also belonged to her. Either Juliana has family money, or a big car payment. Since Drunkie Howser is there, they also ask him about the ink (it isn’t oak gall).

Euro Cash: I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t maybe about Spinoza as a person, not his philosophy. He was an Amsterdam guy through and through, and he also got kicked out of his community for heresy. Could be something there.

Before he can expand on that theory, Euro Cash is called back to the office to speak with Big Cheese. Fun fact: it’s actually an ambush, and a presumably very high ranking cop is waiting in her office.

Muckety-Muck: So. When were you going to tell me we have a serial killer on the loose?
Euro Cash: When I knew for sure we did?
Muckety-Muck: Papers seem to think we do. This case sounds bonkers, how worried do I have to be? Will there be more victims?
Big Cheese: Not if we let our people get back to work. Bye, Euro Cash.
Muckety-Muck: One more thing: stop getting lawyers mad at you. I don’t want a lawsuit.

Look, do I want to interact with Euro Cash? No way. But I’m always inclined to fight the power, so in this instance, and in this instance only, team Euro Cash all the way! Having done everything he reasonably can to resist authority, Euro Cash heads back into the office area where the rest of the team, perhaps perversely inspired by Drunkie Howser’s thing about how a cheese slicer might have made the marks on their victims, are chowing down on a midmorning cheese snack, and trying to figure out why Susie would have gone to such a weird part of town.

Woodsman Cop, mouth full of cheese: I was assuming affair; there’s not much out there, it’s mostly residential, charities, etc.
Hassell: What kind of charities?
Woodsman Cop: Kids stuff, and a women’s shelter.
Hassell: Hm. She had some old bruising — see if she contacted them. Also, get this: Juliana was, as far as her brother knew, struggling for money. But she bought that fancy car outright, so we’ll see if that got caught on camera.
Woodsman Cop: Maybe she’s got a rich partner?
Euro Cash: Right. Well, let’s get out of here before the top brass bothers us any more.

And with that, everyone grabs their crap and heads out, except for Clooves, who’s been so engrossed in whatever file he’s looking at he’s barely looked up this whole time. Somehow he pulls himself out of his hyper fixated fugue state enough to join everyone at the bariefing room, and good job he does, because it’s there that inspiration strikes. Running behind the bar, Clooves grabs a beer bottle emblazoned with the Amsterdam flag (which has 3 Xs in it) and holds it up for everyone to see.

Clooves: Ok, so what did you learn the Xs meant?
Woodsman Cop: Triple X badass city?
Euro Cash: Good gravy, did you even GO to school?
Cliff Bar, DID go to school: They’re the three trials the city survived: the flood, then the plague, then fire.
Clooves, vibrating with excitement: RIGHT. So, Susie, victim number one: rat poison. Plague! Victim 2, Juliana: drowned. Flood. Victim number three will be fire. Or to quote the note “fire stealers” whoever that is.
Scruffy Regular Frank, from the corner: Prometheus.
Clooves: OH DAMN. Yeah, in Greek mythology, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods for humanity and got his liver ripped out and eaten for his troubles.
Euro Cash, snarky: So the next victim’s a Greek God?
Clooves: Ok, so to be fair I don’t have it 100% solved.
Woodsman Cop, having a brain wave: Wait, RuudBoy! His company is called Prometheus.
Euro Cash: Nice. Let’s go. Frank, this beer is yours.

Speaking of RuudBoy, across town, he puts his clothes back on after an assignation with (drumroll please) Artists’ Lawyer! From their conversation, it’s clear that this is a running THING, and that while they both enjoyed playing it catty, light and breezy, now it has to end. While we get a quick shot of the unseen murderer washing off his bloody cheese cutter (yikes), RuudBoy cooks up a steak for dinner at his home. Mid-fry, he’s interrupted by the doorbell: it’s pizza delivery, but (no surprises here) he sure didn’t order a pizza. Thinking back to the Prometheus legend, I just have one question:

A few minutes later, Euro Cash and Hassell pull up outside the apartment and ring RuudBoy’s bell, but get no answer. While they press another apartment’s buzzer to try and get in, we see inside the apartment, where the steak is burning on the hob despite someone walking around in the kitchen. Unless RuudBoy likes his steak burned, this does not bode well for his safety. A few seconds later, someone’s conveniently leaving, giving our dynamic duo a chance to get inside, where they hear a fire alarm sounding. Unfortunately, it’s not just for the steak, which Euro Cash pulls off the heat: turning the corner they find RuudBoy tied up on the balcony and on fire. Hassell grabs a blanket and starts extinguishing RuudBoy, sending Euro Cash off to try and catch the killer. No dice: whoever did this isn’t there anymore, but they did leave behind the pizza box, which thankfully just contains a Spinoza book and not somebody’s liver.

Later, as paramedics wheel RuudBoy away, Big Cheese arrives to check in on her staff. Even though they almost caught the guy, Euro Cash is glum: this murderer is messing with them, possibly to prove a point about Amsterdam, given that their victims were a lawyer defending the city, a PR pro championing the city, and a developer with plans to transform it. Beyond that, it’s hard to make a connection between all of the victims: Susie and RuudBoy knew each other, obviously, but Juliana just doesn’t fit in.

Drunkie Hoswer: So, as expected, this one has three Xs on his back. But unlike the others, this was done before death. Kind of sadistic if you ask me.
Euro Cash: Or practical: hard to leave a mark on a burning body.
Drunkie Hoswer: Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say it: there should be a note somewhere on this guy telling us how to find the next victim.
Clooves: If there IS a next victim; there’s three Xs on the flag, he might be done.
Euro Cash: Somehow I don’t think so.
Big Cheese: Regardless, you can’t autopsy this guy; he’s not dead. And no, you can’t scan him; I am not asking his family to let us poke around while he’s fighting for his life.
Euro Cash: Someone else’s life might depend on it though?
Big Cheese: I said no! And the medical staff won’t let you in there anyway, they’re too busy trying to keep him from dying.

Hard to argue with that. The next day, everyone once again sets up shop at the bariefing room, where they diligently work away at trying to solve the case. Well, mostly: Woodsman Cop is still keeping an eye on Dutch Tinder. And speaking of Dutch Tinder, guess who was also a member? Victim two, Juliana, who had a match the night she was killed. That date might be the last person to see her alive!

Woodsman Cop, looking at the pic of Juliana’s date: Oh, I’ve seen her on a few of my apps!
Clooves: I’m sorry, how many of these things are you on?
Woodsman Cop: Nine :)
Clooves:

Woodsman Cop: Look, here’s her profile. Yikes, that’s an interesting hobby…
Euro Cash: Spinoza, or serial killing?
Woodsman Cop: Ink making!
Euro Cash: Cool, ask her out.
Hassell: LOL yes, let’s have him date a potential serial killer.
Woodsman Cop: HA, you should see some of the people I’ve dated in the past. Wait, are you serious? I don’t want to do that, she might kill me! Why don’t we just bring her in normally?
Euro Cash: Our killer is smart. If it is her, she’ll be on edge if we bring her in. Take one for the team!

Can’t wait for Woodsman Cop to tank a potentially great date because he’s convinced she’s a murderer the whole time! Later, at the office, he’s looking worried.

Big Cheese: What’s wrong?
Woodsman Cop: Just got off the phone with that women's shelter, and they want to talk about Susie. Seems weird to me that someone like her would contact them.
Big Cheese: It’s not; even the powerful can be abused. I’ll talk to them.
Woodsman Cop: And uh, the potential murderer agreed to go on a date. But I looked her up on a few other apps and she’s got an IQ of 146.
Clooves, interest PIQUED: Damn, that’s almost genius level!
Woodsman Cop: And she’s a master in jiu jitsu.
Euro Cash, unphased: You better not piss her off then. Let’s get you mic’d up.
Hassell: Hold the phone, I just got footage of Juliana buying her car. Look who was with her!

Did you forget about the incredibly dodgy and possibly abusive Smartypants Rupert? Well HE was the one in that footage, and naturally, when Hassell and Euro Cash interview him, he pretends he has no clue who Juliana is.

Hassell: You were with her when she bought this car that she couldn’t afford.
Smartypants Rupert: That’s none of your business.
Euro Cash: Well, since we found her body the other day, it really really is. You better start explaining.
Smartypants Rupert: We were friends.
Euro Cash: You buy your friends cars?
Smartypants Rupert: We were having an affair. Problem with that?
Euro Cash: No. I do have a problem with her being dead though. Like your wife.
Hassell: Did she cheat on you with RuudBoy? Is that why you’re mad?
Smartypants Rupert: I told you, I don’t know what my wife was up to, and she didn’t know what I was up to.
Euro Cash: What were you doing last night around 10?
Smartypants Rupert: Visiting Susie’s relatives. Airtight alibi, baybeeee.

Ugh, this guy is a smug jerk, but I still don’t think he’s the murderer. Speaking of potential murderers, everyone’s busy getting Woodsman Cop ready to go on his date. He pretends at bravado, but he’s obviously kinda freaked out.

Woodsman Cop: I don’t get paid enough for this.
Clooves: Especially because she’s super smart and can snap you in half.
Drunkie Howser, sticking his head in: Be careful if she’s left handed and orders a cheese board!
Woodsman Cop: NOT HELPING.
Euro Cash, correctly sussing out the one way to get Woodsman Cop to stick to the plan: You know, you’re right. I would never ask you to do something I wouldn’t do myself. If you're not up for it, I’ll go on the date in your place.
Woodsman Cop: No. No, I got this.

LOL, he sure does not! Turning up at the date, he’s a nervous wreck, and despite (or perhaps because of) his watching/listening friends, Woodsman Cop absolutely goobers the hell out of the conversation.

Woodsman Cop: So I hear you make ink?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: Yep. Do you as well?
Woodsman Cop: NO. I mean, I didn’t even know you COULD make ink. What kind do you make? That oak gall kind? That Shakespeare used? And Leonardo Dicaprio?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: How do you know about that?
Woodsman Cop: Oh, I’m not just a pretty face! Nothing sticks in my brain like useless info!

Thankfully for everyone listening to this trainwreck, their drinks arrive, and she picks hers up with her left hand! Woodsman Cop asks her about it, and, picking up on his weird AF energy, Hot Smart Jujitsuka asks him if he’s always this strange.

Woodsman Cop: Sorry, I’m just nervous. I don’t usually online date, but my friend Juliana talked me into it.
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: Wait, Juliana? I was here on a date with her the other night. Are you the ink guy?
Woodsman Cop: No way, really? And what ink guy?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: Juliana heard about me from someone who bought my ink; he thought we’d be a good match.
Woodsman Cop: Did you get a name?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: Why are you so interested?
Woodsman Cop: Boy? Girl? Who was it?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: I better go.

She skedaddles, but not fast enough to avoid Hassell and Euro Cash, who explain who they are, why they’re there, and then ask for anything she knows about the person who bought that ink.

Hot Smart Jujitsuka: I don’t know who it was; someone Juliana knew though.
Euro Cash: Did you ever sell ink to RuudBoy or Smartypants Rupert?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka: I sell all over the world, but it’s all online. I probably have a list still.
Euro Cash, pointing to Woodsman Cop and Clooves: Great. Ok if these two get that list now?
Hot Smart Jujitsuka, putting it all together: Seriously? Sure, lead the way.

As they head off to look for the list, Euro Cash gets a call with bad news: RuudBoy died. No time to spare, so Euro Cash and Hassell go and track down Drunkie Howser for the autopsy, quite literally pulling him away from a jazz club where he’s performing. Artist’s rendering:

At Hot Smart Jujitsuka’s house, Woodsman Cop heads to the bathroom, leaving Clooves to admire Hot Smart Jujitsuka’s art whilst she prints her client list. Tell you what, if she’s NOT the murderer, I’d kinda ship those two nerds.

Later that evening, Euro Cash heads back to his houseboat only to find it occupied. Lena found the key and let herself into his home! They’re about to start making out when there’s a crash from outside. Naturally, Euro Cash heads out to investigate, where he finds a still smoking cigarette butt.

Lena: What exactly do you do for work?
Euro Cash, still not very forthcoming: Clean up other people’s messes.

For some reason that doesn’t phase her, because she definitely makes herself comfortable and sleeps over. So comfortable, in fact, that Euro Cash has to resort to slamming down a coffee mug and sugar bowl the next morning to “accidentally” wake her up. She does the thing where she offers to get out of there asap, and shockingly, he seems pretty happy to let her hang out as long as she’d like.

Maybe someday he’ll even tell her what he does for a living! Anyay, heads right over to the bariefing room, where Cliff Bar has just arrived to find Clooves brushing his teeth. WTF? Well, apparently he was working late, and then Scruffy Regular Frank told him his life story. Cliff Bar is in the process of offering Clooves coffee and being very chill about this kid being in his bar/cafe all night when Euro Cash arrives.

Euro Cash: How’s that list going?
Clooves: Still working on it. Hot Smart Jujitsuka’s art, btw? Super creepy and full of X motifs; Woodsman Cop almost fainted. He’s checking her alibi.
Cliff Bar: Hey, Artists’ Lawyer said to call her.
Euro Cash: Yeah, not surprised: pretty sure she came by my boat last night.

But first, Euro Cash heads into the office to talk to Hassell about Calligrapher, specifically, where he went when he left the art community the other day. He also reveals, after some light teasing, that he did indeed tell Lena what he does professionally, and found out that she is a doctor. Dang, Euro Cash, are you actually opening up to someone? Hopefully she’s not a murderer! Anyway, Euro Cash heads out to meet up with Artists’ Lawyer, who tells him she’s offering herself up for an in depth interview.

Euro Cash: Why?
Artists’ Lawyer: Because two of the victims were linked to the case I lost. I feel like you probably have me on your list, no? Especially because I hooked up with RuudBoy just a couple of hours before he died. Wow, you didn’t even react, well done!
Euro Cash: I’m sure you’d have a good defense prepared.
Artists’ Lawyer: For instance, why would I meet RuudBoy in a hotel if I was planning to kill him later?
Euro Cash: I guess it depends what happened at the hotel; I’ve seen what you can do with a shoe. Look, I don't have time for games.
Artists’ Lawyer, innuendo: Aw, no fun. I was at least hoping you’d cuff me ;)
Euro Cash, also seems to be having fun with this interaction: Maybe later.

Meanwhile, at the encampment, Artsy Wife pretends like she has no idea where Calligrapher is, and no reason to know.

Hassell: Hm, ok. Do you guys have security around here?
Artsy Hippie, wandering into the convo: Yeah, when we realized we were being watched I was asked to put some up.
Hassell: Do YOU know where Calligrapher went?
Artsy Hippie, reluctantly: Uh. Yeah. He went to go after Smartypants Rupert. He said he’s seen something and wanted to end this once and for all.

Naturally, that kind of thing makes Hassell and Woodsman Cop run out of there QUICK. Not quick enough to prevent the altercation from happening, however: Calligrapher’s already over at the law office, terrorizing everyone and grappling with Smartypants Rupert. Calligrapher has pinned Smartypants Rupert down, and is brandishing the aforementioned gigantic wrench, when our pals arrive and stop him. Naturally, they take him into interrogation, where Euro Cash tells Calligrapher that his actions today have convinced them that he’s probably innocent of the murders, but that they still need to know where he went when he snuck out of the encampment the other day. Pulling out pictures of the murder victims, they point out why he had motive to kill RuudBoy and Susie.

Calligrapher: Fine, I’ll tell you where I went. Look, you don’t know what Smartypants Rupert did. That guy fixed the case against us, and I needed confirmation. So I beat up the deputy mayor’s sidekick, and he won’t report it, because I know he took bribes, but he’s in the hospital FOR SURE. That’s where I was.

Well, as alibis go, this one’s not a great look, but it IS pretty solid. Next, Euro Cash asks if Calligrapher knows Juliana. Turns out, he does: she was involved in their case, which makes sense given her support for the weirder side of Amsterdam. Calligrapher seems genuinely surprised to hear that Juliana wasn’t listed on the official paperwork at all, which makes me think that Smartypants Rupert’s at it again with his dirty work. Before we can get into it, Hassell returns with confirmation that Calligrapher’s alibi is right. Euro Cash tells her to charge Calligrapher, and then look into Juliana’s deleted files. He’s heading to meet Big Cheese at Smartypants Rupert’s club. He gets there just in time to warn her about Smartypants Rupert’s penchant for nudity. Big Cheese’s vibe throughout the rest of this exchange, btw?

See, it turns out that Big Cheese’s talk with the women’s shelter was illuminating: Susie was staying there while she escaped an abusive marriage. Of course, Smartypants Rupert denies everything, but it’s hard to argue with deep tissue bruising and his injured hand, or with the detailed testimony his wife left, which included a list of bribes he’d paid out to city officials, and to Juliana, who he bought off with that fancy car. Of course, since he’s a massive jerk, he pretends to be completely unphased by all of this. What a horrible person; I hope he gets what he deserves.

Next up, Euro Cash heads to the morgue, where Drunkie Howser has found the anticipated third note from their killer, hidden this time in RuudBoy’s stomach.

The note: Valliant, Steadfast, and compassionate. One more big bang. God must die. At High Noon. Littorally.

No, that’s not a typo, as Clooves explains when Euro Cash brings the note back to the station. It means shoreline. What do they have related to that? Not enough. Ruudboy’s plan for the ferris wheel is similar to one his dad built by the pier, but that seems slim. Everyone who bought the ink in Amsterdam is cleared, and all of the current suspects are right handed other than Hot Smart Jujitsuka, who has an alibi for RuudBoy’s murder. They’re running out of time, so they decide to try and figure out who the murderer means by God, which isn’t getting them very far, when Clooves spots a name on the list of ink buyers who lives near the pier: someone called Ben Hawthorn.

Euro Cash: Hang on: isn’t Baruch a variation of Ben? Where does Spinoza come from?
Clooves: Espinoza, which is Portuguese for Hawthorn.
Euro Cash: That’s our guy. Get to that address.

Clooves and Woodsman Cop spring into action, running out of the station to drive to Hawthorn’s address. Meanwhile, Euro Cash and Hassell ruminate on other names for God, landing on maker, and then inventor, which reminds Hassell that Artsy Hippie is an inventor, one who Euro Cash remembers has a lot of unsuccessful patents filed under the name of Great Original Design (GOD). The besties hare off toward the encampment to try and find Artsy Hippie, just as the other two pull up outside a theater. Inside, they talk to an employee who tells them that Hawthorn sometimes works there as a projectionist.

Meanwhile, at the encampment, Hassell and Euro Cash find Artsy Wife crying, having just had a bad fight with Artsy Hippie about the eviction and their relationship. Does her husband know about her affair, Euro Cash wonders? She seems weirdly unphased to hear that they’ve figured out her secret, especially since she doesn’t think that Artsy Hippie knows about the affair. Finally she tells them that he went off to the pier. He grew up there: his parents used to run a fairground there, until it was replaced by the ferris wheel.

While all this happens, someone, presumably our murderer, has started a live stream on social media. That person walks through the theater, in the opposite direction of our pals Clooves and Woodsman Cop. Right after Hassell and Euro Cash leave Artsy Hippie’s home, Artsy Wife gets a link to the stream. In the car, after getting Big Cheese to call in tactical support to the pier, the two cops talk about what they just learned. Why, Hassell wonders, would Artsy Hippie be a target? He’s on the good side!

Euro Cash: Yeah, and how could the killer know he’d come here? It was on the note; they’d have to be SURE. Hang on: Spinoza had a day job because he was kicked out of his home. He wasn’t just a philosopher, he was an inventor. Artsy Hippie isn’t just the next victim… he’s the killer.

Inside the theater, Clooves and Woodsman cop have found a room just chock-a-block full of evidence, including a picture of Artsy Hippie that shows that he’s left-handed, so there’s another point in favor of Euro Cash’s theory. A theory that’s very quickly proven correct when the man himself pulls off his coat to reveal that he’s wearing an explosive vest. Euro Cash and Hassell shoo everyone off the pier and approach, guns out.

Euro Cash: So you’re the big bang?
Artsy Hippie, gesturing to the ferris wheel: Not just me.

Yikes. Euro Cash keeps Artsy Hippie talking, getting him to confirm everything the team suspected about his motives.

Artsy Hippie: It’s like Calligrapher says: life sucks, and then you die.
Euro Cash: No one has to die.
Artsy Hippie: I do. You’re gonna kill me, or I’ll kill them.

While Euro Cash ponders this fun development, cops begin to evacuate the ferris wheel, and Hassell starts attempting to remove the cover off what she thinks is a bomb. As Woodsman Cop and Clooves run up to her, she grabs a multitool from one of them, and then sends them off to look for more. Carefully removing the lid, she finds a whole mess of wires and bricks of explosives.

Euro Cash: How do I know that vest is even real?
Artsy Hippie: Do you really want to risk it? It’d mean everyone’s life, including yours.
Euro Cash: You set all of those clues up very particularly, all just to bring us here.
Artsy Hippie, really leaning into the Batman villain vibes of this moment: I wanted everyone to see what happens to the little guy. The establishment kills him! We’re just ants they can crush. Shoot me.

Back at HQ, Muckety-Muck barges into Big Cheese’s office. Did she know this whole thing was being live streamed?! Obviously they turn the stream on right away, and get to see the rest of the interaction up close.

Euro Cash: You know usually I’d rather save lives than take them. I don’t want to shoot you. Think about your daughter. Clara, right?
Artsy Hippie: Don’t talk about my family! You know nothing about me!
Euro Cash: But I know what it’s like to wake up every morning with the weight of responsibilities.

At HQ, a sniper calls in to tell them he’s got a shot. Should he take it? No, obviously: Big Cheese is waiting for Euro Cash to talk the guy down. Meanwhile, Hassell prepares to cut a wire on the bomb, which would be less stressful if she hadn’t prefaced the action with “this one… I think.” Ignoring Woodsman Cop’s wild insistence that she just cut them all, she makes a last minute switch to another wire, cuts it, and… no explosion.

No rest for the wicked: after only a second of relief that they didn't just blow up, Woodsman Cop drags her off to get the next one.

Artsy Hippie: Look, my wife will leave me and be with Calligrapher. I can’t live with that. I knew that if we lost the case, I’d lose my family. I lost everything. I have nothing to live for, so just do me a favor.
Euro Cash: Wait! If you kill everyone, you’re no better than the rest.

After a tense moment, Euro Cash slowly holsters his gun, and quotes Spinoza.

Euro Cash: He went through a lot of horrible things, just like you. But he didn’t quit. He led an important life. I don’t think you have it in you to kill innocent people.
Artsy Hippie, crying: I killed the others. Shoot me.
Euro Cash, walking closer: Push the button, or hand it over.

Back in HQ, Muckety-Muck is losing his mind. He REALLY wants to let the sniper do his thing, and ultimately grabs the phone out of Big Cheese’s hands and gives the command himself. Artsy Hippie is handing the detonator over to Euro Cash when he’s shot from the helicopter. The detonator flies out of his hand, landing on the pier. Right before impact, Hassell snips the last bomb’s wire. Everyone watching at home, seeing the detonator land, flinches. But the bomb on the vest isn’t real after all: it’s full of confetti, which swirls through the sea air in a colorful cloud as Artsy Hippie falls to the ground, dead.

Euro Cash: Turns out god couldn’t kill himself after all; it wasn’t real.
Hassell: This one wasn’t, but the other two were. We got super lucky.

I gotta think it’s not going to be a super lucky day for Muckety-Muck once the public finds out he killed a guy who was about to surrender, but what do I know? Later that night, everyone convenes at the bariefing room to celebrate the successful-ish end of their case. Woodsman Cop tries to get Drunkie Howser to have a drinking competition with Hassell. Clooves chats with Scruffy Regular Frank. Big Cheese congratulates Hassell on putting her bomb squad experience to good use, and Hassell, who was sitting on that big secret this whole time, wonders if Big Cheese knew about Clooves’ secret (the thing where he pretends to hang out with his mum a lot, but she’s actually deceased). Before she can answer, Euro Cash walks in.

Big Cheese: Hey, sorry about earlier.
Hassell: Oooh, where have you been? With Lena?
Euro Cash, totally straight faced: No, there’s another lady in my life.

And with that, he whistles, and a big energetic adolescent dog bounds into the bar. Apparently Sniffer, for that is her name, is a reject sniffer dog who kept snoozing on the job and liked weed, which Drunkie Howser proclaims to be VERY Amsterdam.

Big Cheese: Aw, I’m happy for you.
Euro Cash: Why? She’s a present for you. That way I can keep feeding her treats while you do all the work.

Look, normally this is just the worst thing you can do! DO NOT BUY SOMEONE ELSE A PET, EVER. But since Euro Cash is fictional AND a menace, I’ll let it slide this once. Sniffer gets the pets she’s due, and that’s our show for this week. What kind of bonkers case will we tackle next? Will we ever find out Clooves’ secret? Will Lena stick around? We’ll just have to wait and see.