Hey remember how last episode everyone was making super smart choices vis a vis their love lives? Well this time we get to kick things off with the fallout of their poor decisions; an incredibly awkward conversation between Cheekbones and Widow Floral Shirt, who both quickly disavow their actions the previous night while wearing some very fluffy bathrobes and eating croissants, all fancy like.
Widow Floral Shirt: Look, I don't want to talk about it. But I DO want to talk about this land deal situation. It’s not what he’d normally do, right?
Cheekbones: I’m guessing that’s kind of the point; he wants to leave a nice legacy.
Widow Floral Shirt: He won’t get to. What’s the plan?
Great question, and naturally we have to wait for an answer. Instead, we follow Cheekbones into a meeting with the man himself. Menacing Dad, as you might expect, isn’t super thrilled to see our friend. Why is he here?
Cheekbones, giving the old razzle dazzle: Well, at first I couldn’t really understand your motivation for going legit. But now I can, and I’m impressed by you. By… Phoenix. Why didn’t you ask me for help?
Menacing Dad: Because it’s honest.
Cheekbones: Yeah buddy, TOO honest. It’s too precise. No artistry! If I could see through it all so easily, what’s going to happen if the council, or the press, look into this? You can’t be Phoenix, at least not in public.
Menacing Dad: You can’t seriously be planning to threaten me.
Cheekbones: These people can’t give you what you need. We can.
Menacing Dad: Why are you like this?
Cheekbones: You’ve seen Remy. And our owl-bestrewn nightmare office. Imagine what the clients are like! I can’t live like that. Let me work for you on this; I can keep you invisible.
Menacing Dad: Nice try, but no.
Well, worth a shot! While Cheekbones crashes and burns, Widow Floral Shirt has better luck with her mum, who immediately confesses that, yes, Menacing Dad was there the other day.
Widow Floral Shirt: I’m moving away.
Floral Mum, hard pivot into mom-guilt mode: We’re not young, dad and I.
Widow Floral Shirt: Yeah, well neither am I. I’m running out of time to find another life.
Floral Mum: You can find one here! That new development? Dad and I own the land. We hoped it could bring us all together as a family.
Widow Floral Shirt: Seriously?
Floral Mum: Yeah, buddy! I didn’t want to die without trying to bring us all together. You think your dad chose that lifestyle, but let me be clear: he wanted to support us, and he took the only option available to him. He’s spent decades working for this, for you. If I can forgive him, then so can you.
Ah, the classic family guilt trip. Par for the course, even for fictional people, it seems. Anyhow, Widow Floral Shirt evidently appeases her mum, but with a proviso: she wants her own lawyer. When Floral Mum explains the situation to Menacing Dad, the genius of Widow Floral Shirt and Cheekbones’ scheme is quickly revealed.
Floral Mum: We have to bend for her on this. We need to find a lawyer who seems like an outsider, and seems clean, but is actually neither thing.
Me, sarcastic: Oh no, whoever could that be??
Menacing Dad: Hm. What about Cheekbones?
Floral Mum: I don’t totally trust him. If we use him, we need some… insurance.
I know these people have done some messed up things, but gotta say, I LOVE crime genius Floral Mum, ok? I just do! Meanwhile, over at the police station, Crooked Cop pulls Nervous aside to ask her what she knows about their colleague who runs the undercover team. Yes, you guessed it: Dog Lady.
Nervous: Just what she does.
Crooked Cop: Ok well I’m working with her. I can’t tell you anything about it, but as part of the investigation I need to pull a file without any record of having done it, so I need you to do it.
Nervous, inside: You’ve got to be sh*tting me, guy.
Nervous, outloud, cool as a cucumber: What’s the name?
Surprise: it’s Cheekbones. Nervous relays the request back to Dog Lady, who tells her that there will be a note in Cheekbones’ file about ongoing cooperation. Nervous should remove that, then turn the file over to Crooked Cop.
Nervous: There’s something else. One of the addresses you gave me is a business, and I know someone who works there. From my meetings.
Dog Lady: That could be a helpful connection to have.
Nervous: It *is* a helpful connection.
Dog Lady: Don’t worry, I’m not worried about him; we’re monitoring his partner… Cheekbones. Wait a second, does Remy know you do this?
Nervous: No.
Dog Lady: Great, your cover is blown! You’re off the case.
Nervous: No! Look, Crooked Cop keeps screwing up, and I want to take him down. I’m careful, and Remy is clean anyway!
Dog Lady: But you’d monitor him?
Nervous: If needed.
Speaking of Remy, over at Leith Legals, he’s telling Cheekbones what he found out about that card Dead Gambler’s Brother gave them. Remy, as it turns out, has been to that casino himself, back when he was drinking. And with a flourish, he shows ol’ Cheekbones a print out of security footage that shows Dead Gambler, plain as day, sitting at the roulette table right next to Floral Shirt. But because Cheekbones doesn’t know who the heck Floral Shirt is by sight, he’s not excited, as Remy might have hoped. He’s petrified.
Cheekbones: What did you DO? Look, we can’t keep looking into this. If we don’t know anything, then we don't have to lie to him. Remy, I saw Dead Gambler’s Brother put four men in hospital because they had a disagreement over song lyrics. They were friends of his, and also, they were right about the lyrics. I had to sleep underneath that guy every night. We are going to tell him we found nothing, and we are going to move on. Ok?
Remy: Ok, ok, sure. Jeez.
Any further discussion is ended by the arrival of a customer, who Remy bustles off to meet. Once again, their client is an absolute sad sack, who was successfully convinced by his wife that chemicals in drinking water reversed his vasectomy, and that’s how she fell pregnant. But after talking to his doctor, the poor bloke has realized she must have been cheating, and thus, is here for a divorce. Cheekbones gets started drawing up the papers and sends the man on his way while Remy takes a call from Nervous, who agrees to go on a date with him that evening.
Remy, eager to gush about his cute romance: Soooo, that was Nervous.
Cheekbones: Where does a guy like you even meet people?
Remy: AA.
Cheekbones: Yikes dude. I feel like I shouldn’t even need to ask this, but what we do here is confidential, right?
Remy: Of course!
Meanwhile, in an abandoned stairwell at the police station, Crooked Cop calls up Menacing Dad to tell him that Cheekbones is clean, or in this case, technically, dirty. How then, Menacing Dad wonders, did he get out of prison early? Cooked Cop chalks it up to lawyerin’, and that, as they say, is that. Menacing Dad rings off and calls up Cheekbones: is he available for some subterfuge?
Cheekbones, smirking:
While he struts around town like the cat who got the cream, Nervous gets to work. She’s pulled Cheekbones’ file, and is clearly trying to figure out what the heck is up with his history. And back at Leith Legals, Remy returns from the file room in the basement to find Dead Gambler’s Brother sitting silent and menacing at a desk, waiting. Despite Remy telling him that Cheekbones wasn’t there, Dead Gambler’s Brother tells Remy a LONG story about the book he’s reading (“Papillon,” a trippy French memoir about escaping prison that Cheekbones gifted him, which seems… fitting).
Dead Gambler’s Brother: Anyway, you know how neglecting to tell someone something is basically lying? Look at this photo I found on your desk!
Remy: We’re still working all that stuff out, so.
Dead Gambler’s Brother: You know, I’ve always had a LOT of chatter in my head. A cacophony, if you will. Cheekbones taught me that word. Anyway, all of those voices? They’re mad at you guys right now.
Remy, pants-crappingly terrified: If you can come back tomorrow, I’ll have news.
Dead Gambler’s Brother: Where’s the casino?
And after only a tiny bit of prying, Remy gives him all the info he could possibly need, including a helpful tip on street parking. Dead Gambler’s Brother leaves, but not without telling Remy to pass his terrifying threat on to Cheekbones.
Now of course, his next move is to head to the casino, where he spots Double Dealer, who I’m assuming is in for a pretty awful evening. Also possibly in for a bad evening? Nervous, who’s having dinner at Remy’s place. He apologizes for his apartment, but she’s surprisingly cool with his shabby place and his questionable cooking. They jaw about their respective days, keeping to the cute stuff (like poor Mr. Vasectomy “Reversal”), with some light questioning about Nervous’ primary interest right now: Cheekbones. What is that guy's deal?
Remy: Oh, he’s a lawyer.
Nervous: You must trust him.
Remy: Eh? Kind of? He cuts some corners but he’s ok. Oh, crap, I probably shouldn’t have told you that.
Nervous: No, don’t worry about that, I’m not here for work!
Speaking of Cheekbones, he’s off with Widow Floral Shirt, asking her why it is that she’s so willing to cut all ties with her folks.
Widow Floral Shirt: Well, when I was 16, my mum let me have a drink at Christmas. I got sick in the middle of the night, came downstairs, and found them washing blood off my dad’s hands. They tried to lie but I figured it out. My dad just looked SO guilty. Then a few days later, dad’s car was forced off the road. Mum was driving, and she’s had mobility issues since. I could connect the dots, and wanted to call the cops, but mum convinced me not to. She said dad would leave, and it would just be the two of us; the cops were already after dad, so I just didn't call. It was always me and her until all this. That’s why I want to take his legacy away.
Motive confessed, she heads into the kitchen to refresh their glasses, leaving Cheekbones staring after her fondly. Perhaps too fondly, which should make this interesting. But before he can recognize the nascent FEELINGS he might be having, he notices something peculiar on her end table. A framed picture with a distinctly familiar face: that guy from the picture Remy showed him earlier! Floral Shirt! What’s that guy doing HERE though? Honestly, Cheekbones, this confusion is on you: why did you not do even a cursory internet search on your new pal?
Anyhow, before we get to see how he handles this, we head into the night where Menacing Dad and Big Bearded Vicar meet in secret to talk about the Phoenix development plans. The particular area where they’re meeting, for instance, will become a park. You don't have to dig for a park you see, which is good if you can’t afford to uncover any… secrets. The crux of that secret, as I, and probably many of you, assumed, is the dead body of a man that Menacing Dad and Big Bearded Vicar both clearly REALLY disliked (and probably killed, let’s be real).
Menacing Dad: So here’s what’s going to happen: we’re going to get you and the parish to sign off on selling this land.
Big Bearded Vicar: We have to tell his family. It’s not their fault, and they deserve to know what happened to him.
Menacing Dad: You want to reopen a case that could send us both to prison? And put a crime scene in the middle of my development? Look, I’m going to live in one of these flats I’m building, and I picked one that’ll look right over this park. I need to know that he’s there. That WE put him there. That’s what I’ll find peaceful.
Big Bearded Vicar: Well you didn’t do it!
Menacing Dad: Neither did you!
Big Bearded Vicar: What?
Menacing Dad: Look, you were out of the criminal world. Stay out. If you tell his family, I can’t protect you.
Big Bearded Vicar: From what?
Menacing Dad: From WHOM.
There’s someone out there scarier than Menacing Dad? WTF? Anyway, across town, while Nervous and Remy get hot and heavy, Cheekbones leaves Widow Floral Shirt’s house, thoroughly creeped out, and then gets shoved into a van by an unseen stranger. Don’t worry, he’s fine: it’s just Dog Lady, bringing him in for a chat since he hadn’t checked in with her. You know who might not be fine, though? Widow Floral Shirt, because Dead Gambler’s Brother has followed the lead from the casino directly to her home. Anyway, Dog Lady’s brought Cheekbones to the prison; he’s not holding up his end of the bargain, and as far as she’s concerned.
Cheekbones: I’m working on something; I’m close.
Dog Lady: I can see that, but I’m not impressed.
Cheekbones: He killed someone. Christmas eve, maybe 20 years ago? His daughter knows about it. That’s what I’m working on. Every time I see her, I get a little more.
Dog Lady: We need a confession, or a body. Soon. You can have two weeks. Stop whatever nonsense you’re doing, whatever you’re trying to hide from me. Just focus.
Cheekbones: You know, I’ve been sitting here all morning, wondering if maybe you aren’t hiding something from me yourself. Everyone has a boss. I wonder if your boss knows I’m here. If they know about you and Menacing Dad, and if they’re on board with it. If they see that hating that man has infected you, just like it has me. Whatever it is, it’s not normal.
Dog Lady: You get two weeks. Confession, or body.
Free again, Cheekbones heads straight to Leith Legals, where Remy is trying to find the divorce filing paperwork for Mr. Vasectomy “Reversal” without much luck.
Remy: Dude, I’ve been trying to find you. Dead Gambler’s Brother came in. It was terrible; he found that photo.
Cheekbones: I can’t deal with this now!
Remy: It might be out of your control.
You’re not wrong, bud! Meanwhile, Dog Lady acts on the tip from Cheekbones, asking Nervous to look into a disappearance from the 90s of a man who worked in social services for the council, and had taught at a children’s home before that. Perhaps the fella now buried in the future development? We’ll see! Speaking of the development, Cheekbones arrives at his former office to find Menacing Dad and Widow Floral Shirt casually chatting. The conspirators pretend to introduce themselves, and Cheekbones hands over some legal paperwork for Menacing Dad. He takes it off to have his team look it over, and doesn’t miss the fact that his daughter seems comfortable with Cheekbones. Too comfortable for having just met her. He calls up his wife to hash everything out, and they make a plan: first, Floral Mum will go talk to Big Bearded Vicar, and hopefully convince him to be cool and not get them into legal trouble. Then, the whole family will have dinner together. While they plot, Cheekbones and Widow Floral Shirt also meet up.
Cheekbones: I’m going to sell that land on your behalf soon, btw. The sooner we do it, the less chance of getting caught. Hey, question: your ex…
Widow Floral Shirt: What about him?
Cheekbones: He looks like a doofus. Where’s he at?
Widow Floral Shirt: No idea. Drugs. What about you?
Cheekbones: Uh, getting served divorce papers in jail wasn’t great. You know I was thinking about how you and your folks got back in touch, and all I could think of was that maybe you’d gotten yourself in some trouble. Trouble that only your dad could help with. I wondered if you wanted to talk about it.
Widow Floral Shirt: And I keep thinking about you. And how you want to send my dad to prison. I was thinking that you wouldn’t be doing that alone. I wondered if YOU wanted to talk about THAT. Alternatively, we could just keep teaming up and not look at any of this too closely?
Widow Floral Shirt, seriously, you’re wasting your potential as a crime boss! Stunning work. After they “don’t look at any of this too closely” i.e. make out, Cheekbones returns to Softie’s flat to find Dead Gambler’s Brother waiting for him on the couch.
Cheekbones: So, you finished that book, right? Then you know that Papillon was happy and safe in the jungle. But he wanted revenge, so he left, and it ate him up. Revenge isn’t always worth it.
Dead Gambler’s Brother: Well I need it. Just like you. I was in her house. She’s cute.
Cheekbones: That’s Menacing Dad’s kid.
Dead Gambler’s Brother: In for a penny, in for a pound.
Cheekbones: It wasn’t her.
Dead Gambler’s Brother: I think you’re biased. I think you think you’re safe from me. But you’re not. I need you to tell me where to send the anger. Before it takes over.
Cheekbones: I will find out what happened to your brother for you. I promise. I didn’t forget what you did for me.
Dead Gambler’s Brother: You didn’t belong in there, Cheeky. But I don’t know that you belong out here either.
And with that, he leaves. The instant he’s out the door, Cheekbones has a full on panic attack, gulping down whisky like his life depends on it.
Over at the police station, Nervous has successfully found all the files on the missing man. It turns out that he was last seen by a bartender, who initially said he saw the man leave with Floral Mum, but then later recanted his story.
Dog Lady: Pull back from Remy. We need to give Cheekbones room to do his thing.
Nervous: That’s not easy.
Dog Lady: Sure it is. Do it or you’re off the job.
And Nervous is so keen to take down Crooked Cop, that she does it. She calls Remy up, and tells him that she doesn’t want to stop, but that they have to.
While they both try to process THAT, Floral Mum surprises Big Bearded Vicar in the church for a chat.
Floral Mum: Menacing Dad struggled. Sometimes he’d be ok, but then it’d come back. The nightmares. I had that building burned down, and that seemed to help, for a while. But then that man retired, and everyone talked about how much he’d done for those poor, unwanted orphans. And my husband’s PTSD came back worse than ever. So that night, Menacing Dad thought the same thing as you: that you’d talk to him, and process everything, and it’d all be ok. But I knew that wouldn’t do it. So before you got there, when it was just me and that man. Well, you remember the blood. He was dying when you arrived. What you did was a mercy, and the guilt you’ve carried since wasn’t meant for you. Also, you driving me off the road? It was a blessing. That cop, she was after Menacing Dad, and she’d have seen through him to me, if you hadn’t given me a way to hide. So much easier to keep doing my behind the scenes work when people just see this wheelchair. You gave us a story, and that’s all it ever was. A story.
And with that, she STANDS UP, walks over to him, and grabs his genitals.
Floral Mum: I’m still the woman I was, and I can feel that you’re still the man you were. You didn’t kill him, and you didn’t permanently injure me. You don’t need redemption. So sell us the effing church.
While she makes that… persuasive argument… Menacing Dad welcomes Widow Floral Shirt into his home for dinner. They eat, while he tells his daughter why he likes Westerns.
Menacing Dad: They’re simple to follow, you see. You can trust the white hats; everyone else is different degrees of bad. I used to think the world was like that, but it’s not. Evil is always looking for a place to hide.
Widow Floral Shirt: I don’t know what you're talking about?
Menacing Dad: I’d get it if Cheekbones came to you and said he was a man in a white hat, trying to take me down, and asking for your help. He’s not as good as you think, and I’m not as bad as you think. Everything is in between. Let me help you both figure this all out.
At Leith Legals, a distraught, freshly dumped Kenny remembers that Cheekbones has a mysteriously locked drawer in his desk, and heads across the room to investigate. Like any good PI, he’s got a lockpick set, so he soon gains access to the drawer, which contains files, usb drives, and a nice bottle of booze. Pulling out his laptop, Remy starts listening to the files, which turn out to be the recordings of Menacing Dad Cheekbones has been making. The recordings which, unfortunately, include Cheekbones talking a load of crap about Remy. Betrayed, he calls Nervous. Why did she ask about Cheekbones, he wonders? She, of course, won’t tell him, and, even more upset than he was a few seconds before, he takes a good hard look at the nice bottle of booze in Cheekbones’ drawer.
Oblivious to all this, back at Softie’s apartment, Cheekbones rifles through the record collection, ultimately landing on The Clash’s “Police & Thieves.” Apt! He’s just sat down to listen when there’s a knock at the door, which he, naturally, ignores. But the knocker isn’t interested in waiting around, and breaks down the door. Who’s here to bother Cheekbones now? Floral Mum, who drags him to an abandoned warehouse to threaten him with utter destruction.
Cheekbones, brazen: Your Crooked Cop won't be able to get anything on me.
Floral Mum: That guy? That guy’s nothing. I’m talking about you, and your weakness.
You already know where this is going, and so does Cheekbones. While he struggles to maintain composure, Floral Mum’s goons bring in the one and only Softie, somehow back from America and sporting a cool new hairdo. Will Softie be ok? How are they going to get out of this pickle? Will Remy resist the call of the bottle? We’ll just have to wait for the season finale for answers.
Episode 1 Recap: I'm Coming Out
Episode 2 Recap: Take the Money and Run
