Every season, I sit down to watch the latest and greatest in all things drama, and this month we have been blessed wtih two super exciting shows, starting wtih MASTERPIECE’s newest offering: Around The World in 80 Days. Adventure! Travel! Hijinks! What more could you want? Miss an episode? Check in each week for a recap following the show on Sunday evenings.
Final episode? Say it ain’t so! Alas, it is so, and we return to good old NYC where our friends have finally landed after their eventful visit to the American west. A scrum of reporters surround the trio and start asking them personal questions.
Reporter: Say, Ginge Nellie Bly, LOVED your latest article. You’ve been on the record as saying that you’re a strong independent woman and you don’t need a man. Still feel that way?
Ginge Nellie Bly, smooth: Thank you. And no comment.
Reporter: And what about you, M. Master Key?
M. Master Key:
Also, I’m happily single, thanks for asking.
Purple Haze: Look, I don’t have time to deal with this will they/won’t they plotline. Reporter, is it true that everyone in town knows we’re here right now?
Reporter: Yeah, you guys are SUPER famous. Everyone in NYC knows you’re here. Anyway, this is fun and all, but don’t you have a boat to catch?
Purple Haze, for once, isn’t that interested in the boat or the bet, and that’s probably because he’s finally realized that the person sending him mean postcards is based right here in NYC, and that person just might be his long-lost love, Estella. Anyway, the trio start making their way to the docks, which gives Ginge Nellie Bly a chance to wax poetic about how much she loves NYC, which I can’t help but fear will end something like this:
While she gawks, M. Master Key notices that something is decidedly off with their friend, and asks him what gives. Purple Haze, of course, claims everything is fine.
Arriving at the docks, they spot their ship. It’s right there! They’re so close to victory! And there’s a random group of angry toughs loitering nearby who are just randomly here and definitely won’t cause trouble! But that’s for our protagonists to deal with later. First, on board, they are treated to a tour of the ship’s incredibly grand dining room, where they immediately sit down for their beverages of choice: tea, for Ginge Nellie Bly, and wine for M. Master Key. Purple Haze, still stuck in his head, blows them off to go stand on the deck and have a tiny crisis. Staring off at the city, he takes out the engraved flask that saved his life all the way back in episode 1, which we now know was a gift from Estella. What’s more important, he wonders: proving himself as an adventurer, or doing his best to win back the love of his life? Decision made, he goes back inside, where his friends assume he’s coming to join them for a drink.
Purple Haze: I’m going back.
M. Master Key: What? We’re almost done!
Ginge Nellie Bly: And the boat is about to leave!
Purple Haze: If I’m not back in time just leave without me.
Ginge Nellie Bly: What the heck is happening?
M. Master Key, figured this out already: Duh, he’s going back to stand by that clock and wait for Estella.
Look, I don’t really get why he can’t just win the bet and then go back to NYC, hire a detective, and find Estella after, but I’m just the recapper. At least I’m not alone in my confusion: M. Master Key is also frustrated at the fact that our trio is literally on the cusp of victory and yet appear to be throwing it all away.
Ginge Nellie Bly, pollyannaish to the last: He’ll make it back! I know he won’t leave us in the lurch.
M. Master Key: He leaves everyone in the lurch.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Don’t be a jerk. He’s changed since we started this trip, and you know it.
Back at the train station, poor Purple Haze waits underneath the giant coward clock for literal hours. Of course, the second he decides he’s been a fool and gets up to leave, a woman asks him where he thinks he’s off to. You guessed it:
The two walk towards each other, faces full of emotion. Will they kiss? Embrace? No, because Estella is, understandably, still pissed, and starts smacking Purple Haze with her glove.
Estella: How dare you abandon me like that? You broke my heart, you doofus.
Purple Haze: I know I messed up; I ruined your life and it was unforgivable. If it makes you feel any better I ruined my life too.
Estella: Do you have time for me to tell you how "bad" my life has been?
Purple Haze: Yeah. Yeah I do. Unlimited time.
Awwww! But of course, back on the boat, there are two people who might not agree with that sentiment.
Ginge Nellie Bly: You know what, maybe this is how this was supposed to go. Maybe he was supposed to reunite with his lover?
M. Master Key: Well, I think “lover” is a stretch; he abandoned her a long time ago because he was too chickensh*t to take the leap.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Maybe it’s not an adventure! Maybe it’s a love story!
M. Master Key: And maybe he’s using this as an excuse because he’s scared to have a tough conversation with his “friend” Rich Meanie.
Ginge Nellie Bly: You didn’t see how he looked at me in India when he thought I was her. I hope someone looks at me like that someday for real. Yeah, I said it: I want something different than I previously thought, and you know what that is? Growth!
M. Master Key: Cool, well I’m sure your daddy will fix everything up for you then. You’re gonna head back home, write for a while, and then settle down with some rich fancy man!
Ginge Nellie Bly: WOW. WOW. So after all this time you still don’t know anything about me, huh? Well guess what, I know something about you: you want a home and a family!
M. Master Key: Well I certainly don’t want that with YOU.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Likewise!
M. Master Key: Great! So we agree!
Ginge Nellie Bly: YUP. 100%!
Aw, so cute, they’re both delusional in exactly the same way! Anyway, back at the station, Estella’s telling Purple Haze about what she’s been up to. She travelled the world, then ended up in NYC with no cash, so she ended up working in a kitchen of an Italian restaurant. She fell in love with the owner's son, and they were married until just a few months ago when he died. My take on the timing of this whole story?
Thankfully, Purple Haze is less cynical than I, and just expresses his condolences like a normal person, even asking Estella to tell him about her husband, which she does. TBH he sounds like a really great guy, and both Purple Haze and I are pleased for her.
Purple Haze: Oof. You lived a fantastic life and I’ve been a boring weenie doing nothing this whole time.
Estella: I KNEW it! You know, when my husband died I thought about you: he’d lived life to the fullest, and you, someone potentially amazing, struck me as the opposite. So as you’ve probably surmised, I sent you that postcard. Anyway, I knew you didn’t make the decision to back out of the trip on your own: that Rich Meanie sure is something.
Purple Haze: You remember him?
Estella: Yeah dude, the night before we were going to leave he came to see me and told me you weren’t ever going to be able to hack a trip like that, and I should cut my losses and dump you. He was just jealous, and I said so.
Purple Haze: Well he was right, I guess. What do you think our life would have been like if I’d gotten on the ship?
Estella: I think it would have been great. Figured we’d travel the world, and then end up in a little cottage in the country, away from all your friends. I think we would have had great kids, and you would have been a great dad. But it’s not too late. Well, for us it is, that ship quite literally sailed years ago, but you can still find love! You’re really special, and you’re just getting started.
Purple Haze: But I’m almost done with the trip?
Estella: Not the trip, ya numpty, I’m talking about bigger things! Rich Meanie is going to do everything he can to keep you small and sad and stuck in a cushy chair at the club. If he wins this bet he wins forever.
Purple Haze: I loved you, you know. Never doubt that.
Estella: Never did!
And Purple Haze runs out of there to get on the boat, but not before he and Estella share a proper, desperate, emotional hug. Meanwhile, across town, Ginge Nellie Bly is waiting outside the boarding area of the ship, dejected but still full of faith that Purple Haze will somehow arrive on time, when M. Master Key appears, puts his coat around her shoulders, and hunkers down to wait with her.
Me:
M. Master Key: I’m sorry. I was upset about Purple Haze ditching us and I took it out on you.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Because you want to finish this out together, huh?
M. Master Key: Yeah. Anyway, this is hard for both of us; I know this isn’t how you wanted this to end either.
Same, folks, same. But I’m not giving up hope yet and neither should you! Anyway, back in London, Rich Meanie is getting reamed out by his banker for the whole “I’m coming into cash on Christmas Eve, I promise” thing.
Financial Advisor: This was all based on a BET?
Rich Meanie: Oh, get off your high horse, you’re an investment banker; you literally bet professionally!
Financial Advisor: You seem pretty sure he’ll fail.
Rich Meanie: That’s because I am.
Ominous! Anyway, in New York, Purple Haze is literally running for the boat when out of the shadows comes the extremely annoying and creepy Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy, and this time, he’s got a knife.
Purple Haze: Ugh, why are you doing this? Just so Rich Meanie can win a stupid bet?
Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy: Oh, it’s about more than just a bet, unfortunately. He’s bankrupt.
Purple Haze: I know he said to slow me down, but he can’t have meant for you to STAB ME, surely?
Before Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy can give an answer that Purple Haze would most likely find very upsetting, that group of Chekhov’s angry loitering toughs from earlier roll up to the fight.
Tough Guy Representative: Uh, what’s up guys? You’re in our territory, what are you doing with that fancy man?
Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy: None of your business, fellas. Now leave!
Tough Guy Representative: Nah, I don’t think we will! It’s Christmas, you gotta share!
Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy, who clearly hasn’t seen Gangs of New York, drags Purple Haze into a warehouse so he can try to continue to be menacing and creepy in private, but of course, the tough guys follow, and muster up a bunch of their buddies to join the fun.
Tough Guy Representative: Look, just give us his wallet and we’ll leave you alone.
Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy, apparently lacking any sense of self preservation: Not happening!
And then this absolute goober tries to fight off a whole gang of dudes with bats with just his one little knife. They knock him out almost immediately, and then turn on Purple Haze. However, our friend has been emboldened both by his recent experiences and his youth spent in an English boarding school where he was, presumably, bullied quite a lot, and he ably defends himself from the toughs, eventually picking up one of their bats in the ruckus and scaring them all off. Unfortunately, as is always a danger when one gets into a knife fight, Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy ends up getting stabbed with his own weapon. Purple Haze immediately drops to his knees and offers to get a doctor.
Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy, dying: No time, I won’t make it anyway. But take this.
Back at the docks, the annoyed ticketmaster tells Ginge Nellie Bly and M. Master Key it really is last call, and as they prepare to board without Purple Haze, he appears.
Purple Haze: What are you doing down here? Sorry if I worried you — we started this together and now we’re gonna finish it together. Let’s go home.
Once on the boat, Purple Haze finally opens the paper Disreputable Bowler Hat Guy shoved into his hands. As I expected, it’s a telegram from Rich Meanie, and it’s about as damning as can be, saying that Purple Haze should be stopped “by any means necessary.”
Back in London, NewsPapa and Rich Meanie are indulging in some afternoon booze at the club, and waiting to find out the outcome of the bet.
Rich Meanie: Ugh, I’m supposed to be getting a telegram today, I wonder where it is?
NewsPapa: Starting to get worried that our friend is gonna actually win this bet?
Rich Meanie: No way, not at all! There was never any way he’d win; he’s weak!
NewsPapa: Well I see why you’re worried. 20k is a LOT of cash.
Sure is! Whilst Rich Meanie stews over his lack of info, on the boat, M. Master Key arrives in the dining room to tease Ginge Nellie Bly: is she busy writing another tell-all article about Purple Haze’s messy personal life?
Ginge Nellie Bly, joking: How dare you. How do you spell Estella again?
Rich guy at the next table: Uh, waiter?
M. Master Key: I think you must have made a mistake there, sport. I’m a fellow passenger.
Rich guy at the next table: But! But! This is first class!
Ginge Nellie Bly: Yeah, you clown, he has a first class ticket!
Rich guy’s gross fiancee: Don’t call my fiance a clown, you’re the one who’s bringing in riffraff.
Rich guy at the next table, leaning into being a bigoted a-hole: If you’re going to be in first class you should scrub that dirt off your skin.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Ugh, ignore them, they’re just ignorant.
M. Master Key: If by ignorant, you mean aggressively racist, sure. And don’t tell me what to do; I’ve been dealing with racists my whole life and I know a lot more about it than you do.
She tries to apologize to his retreating back, but before she can finish her sentence our friend has smoothly requested a song from the orchestra and returned to ask her to dance. Obviously, she accepts, and they pointedly take the floor to a mixture of confusion, consternation, and actual rage from the other patrons on the boat.
Once they’ve successfully made a point (and driven away the worst of the racist snobs from the dining area), the two continue to dance. It’s very soft and romantic, even when Ginge Nellie Bly points out that some things are going to change once they wrap up this madcap semester abroad situation. At the very least they have a fan in Purple Haze, who catches sight of his friends from across the room and gives them one of those wistful approving looks we’re all more used to seeing on the faces of parents at their kids' weddings. But this beautiful moment cannot actually last forever: we still have a wager to deal with. Soon, the trio lands in Liverpool, where they need to get on a specific train, and then into a cab, but if all goes well, arrive at The Reform Club with half an hour to spare.
M. Master Key: You’re awfully perky.
Purple Haze: We’re back in England — I can smell victory, pal.
The smell of victory is, however, no guarantee of victory against bureaucracy: our friends still have to clear customs. M. Master Key and Ginge Nellie Bly skate through easily, but Purple Haze still has a warrant out for his arrest from all the way back in Hong Kong. Now obviously, we all know this is a mistake, but the customs officer doesn’t (and TBH, he doesn’t care).
Purple Haze: Can’t you just telegram Hong Kong and get them to vouch for me?
Customs Officer: No :) Only Barry can do that, and he doesn’t get to work until 8am.
Purple Haze: But that would be too late!
M. Master Key, fed up: What is wrong with this ridiculous country?!
Customs Officer: Excuse me? I will deport you!
Ginge Nellie Bly:
Customs Officer: Don’t care! Move, you have to let everyone else through.
Purple Haze: We are on the cusp of something massive and significant — you could be part of it!
Customs Officer: Again, don’t care. Move!
Purple Haze: You know what? Screw this.
Ginge Nellie Bly and M. Master Key:
Now as you might expect, Customs Officer immediately sends cops to tackle Purple Haze to the ground, and they drag him off to customs jail. Hours pass. Ginge Nellie Bly asks (clearly not for the first, or even the tenth time) what gives: why is their friend still locked up?
Customs Officer, surprisingly apologetic: Barry says the line to Hong Kong is jammed. As soon as it clears, he’ll ask! All in good time!
M. Master Key: We. Don’t. Have. Time.
Customs Officer: Look, if you don’t pipe down I’ll lock you both up too! And that’s no way to spend Christmas!
Stuck at the station, they all watch the clock as time ticks slowly away. Outside, lying on their luggage and under coats, Ginge Nellie Bly and M. Master Key talk everything over.
M. Master Key: Ugh, Merry Christmas, courtesy of British bureaucracy.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Poor Purple Haze is going to be devastated. Where are you going to spend Christmas?
M. Master Key: You don’t have to worry about me anymore.
Ginge Nellie Bly: What if I want to?
M. Master Key: You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Are you trying to tell me that if you stay here with me you'd be ruining my life or something? What if that’s not courageous and selfless? What if you’re being a coward, and trying to avoid caring so you don’t get hurt?
M. Master Key: I think what we had only works on this adventure. It’s a showmance.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Cool, then let's find another adventure; the show must go on! Promise me something: don’t try and be noble. You leaving doesn’t make my life better.
M. Master Key: Fine, I promise.
Later (a whole day later) Customs Officer finally lets Purple Haze out of the cell.
Customs Officer: Don’t blame Barry, he tried his best. And look, I did know who you are, but I have to follow the rules.
Purple Haze: Ugh, I was always going to lose, I was silly to think otherwise. Anyway, Merry Christmas.
Customs Officer: Uh… Merry Christmas to you too?
Purple Haze heads outside, where his friends reassure him that this wasn’t his fault. He isn’t really keen to talk about it, but they both keep trying to bring his spirits up. Returning home, they ring the bell and are greeted by Knock-Off Alfred, who seems surprised but still happy to see everyone. He welcomes them all inside, and tells Purple Haze they’re all very proud of him.
Purple Haze: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m ready to drink.
Knock-Off Alfred: Uh, aren’t you kind of cutting it close here, man? If you’re gonna win you have to get to the club in 15 minutes!
Purple Haze: We lost! We had to be back by 1pm on Christmas Eve.
Knock-Off Alfred: I hate to argue with you, but it IS Christmas Eve. Time zones and the international date line haven’t been invented yet, but basically you’ve got an extra day because you were travelling east: it’s basic math!
After a moment of confusion, it all comes together. Shocked, but with a renewed faith, our trio sprints across town to the club, where a huge crowd of excited rich dudes has formed to cheer Purple Haze on. Just across the street, he pulls up short.
M. Master Key: If he wins, you lose. Forever.
Purple Haze: That’s what Estella said!
Ginge Nellie Bly: And she was right! She was right all along!
It seems that that’s enough for Purple Haze, who springs back into action, running up the stairs to the lounge as Rich Meanie counts down the seconds on his pocket watch. Just in the nick of time, Purple Haze skids into the lounge. Immediately, our friend is engulfed in pals clapping him on the back. NewsPapa makes his way through the crowd to congratulate his friend.
NewsPapa: You did it!
Purple Haze: I did! And your amazing kid was a HUGE part of the reason why. Speaking of whom….
NewsPapa: Ginge Nellie Bly! I’m so proud of you!
Ginge Nellie Bly: Just as I used to be proud of you. Yeah, I didn’t forget what we found out earlier on the trip, but I do still love you. Bring it in, dad. BTW, I want you to meet someone.
Obviously, she means M. Master Key, who has taken one look at this huge crowd of rich white dudes and decided to make himself scarce. But perhaps remembering his promise from like 5 minutes ago, he pauses halfway down the street. Before we can find out what happens there, however, we still have to deal with a certain frenemy/murderous snake in the grass by the name of Rich Meanie.
Rich Meanie: Well, congratulations, Purple Haze. Seems the best man won.
Random Club Member: Oh yeah, seems like you better pay up!
Rich Meanie, conspiratorially: Should we tell them now, buddy?
NewsPapa: Tell us what?
Rich Meanie, bravado for days: We were never doing it for the money! We’re not vulgar. That was just to mess with everyone. Right, Purple Haze?
Rich Meanie, just to Purple Haze: Agree or I’ll wreck you.
Purple Haze: You made it very clear you didn’t think I could do this. And I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t come back at all… I couldn’t stomach the idea of not paying up if that were to happen, so I told Knock-Off Alfred to bring a check to the club when I left… just in case.
NewsPapa: So there WAS a bet.
Rich Meanie: I think Purple Haze must be mistaken. Surely you aren’t trying to do something so low-class as to swindle me out of money?
Purple Haze: Fun fact: I have receipts. Reform Club Butler, if you would?
Reform Club Butler, with a flourish: Yup, here’s that check! I’ve been holding onto it for the last 80 days :)
Purple Haze: Here, Rich Meanie, take it. This will cover your bankruptcy. Check mate, pal.
Now as you can expect, that mic drop sends ripples throughout the club. Rich Meanie made a bet when he had no money to back it up? He has no money, full stop? Preposterous!
NewsPapa: Dude, Rich Meanie can’t take that money; he’d lose his honor.
Purple Haze: Can’t lose what you never had.
Rich Meanie, taking the check: You really are a good person, Purple Haze.
NewsPapa: He is, but you’re a disgrace. Get out of here!
Reform Club Butler, probably just as sick of Rich Meanie as the rest of us, attempts to stop him on his way out to get payment for his final bill. Rich Meanie, living up to half of his name, shoves Reform Club Bulter aside, and proudly walks out of the club while everyone else boos him. Normally I would probably say Purple Haze just made a nemesis, but since Rich Meanie was already an adversary in disguise, I’m all about the theatrics here. While all the gentlemen watch the show, Purple Haze pulls Ginge Nellie Bly into the empty lounge.
Ginge Nellie Bly: I can’t find M. Master Key! He promised he wouldn’t disappear on me :(
Purple Haze: What are you talking about? He’s right there beside you. Anyway, drink?
Ginge Nellie Bly, ignoring Purple Haze: You were right there?
M. Master Key: Yup. Always will be.
Me: Awwwwwwww!
And while the rest of the gentlemen, having seen Rich Meanie leave, attempt to make their way into the lounge past Purple Haze’s thoughtfully applied cane through the door handles, our pals toast to friendship and settle into comfortable chairs with their brandy.
Purple Haze: I will really never forget you, you know.
M. Master Key: Truly, that was an incredible adventure.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Oh, look: a news story about something that’s attacking ships. The Brits think it’s a giant narwhal, the Americans think it’s a giant squid, and the French think it’s some kind of mechanical device.
M. Master Key: Well obviously it’s the last one.
Purple Haze: No government could make a machine like that without every other government figuring it out… where is it supposed to be happening anyway?
And so it is that when the amassed gentlemen of The Reform Club finally succeed in breaking into the lounge in search of Purple Haze, the three companions have already scampered off into the snow, arm in arm, setting out for their next adventure. I for one cannot wait to see what they do next (and it seems that we will eventually get a second season for that very purpose). In the meantime, I’ll be back recapping Sanditon season 2 AND Call The Midwife season 11 in March — wish me luck, dear reader, and see you then!
Episode 1 recap: up, up and away
Episode 2 recap: crazy train
Episode 3 recap: truth hurts
Episode 4 recap: listen to your heart
Episode 5 recap: I read the news today; oh boy
Episode 6 recap: no man is an island
Episode 7 recap: the good, the bad and the ugly outfit
