Every season, I sit down to watch the latest and greatest in all things drama, and this month we have been blessed wtih two super exciting shows, starting wtih MASTERPIECE’s newest offering: Around The World in 80 Days. Adventure! Travel! Hijinks! What more could you want? Miss an episode? Check in each week for a recap following the show on Sunday evenings.
Last week our heroes were marooned on an island, so surely nothing more dangerous than that can happen this week, right? Wrong: our trio is galloping across the American plains in a stagecoach in an attempt to outrun the train (which had to stop for repairs). Now sure, that doesn’t sound too bad, but once you factor in the uneven potholed track, the lack of snacks, and the extreme levels of unresolved sexual tension between M. Master Key and Ginge Nellie Bly, I might take the island.
Everyone’s feeling the strain, and I guess I can’t blame them. After all, around the world trips aren’t just nonstop declarations of once-in-a-lifetime friendship. Anyway, while they rattle around and eat some weird biscuits M. Master Key picked up, they also roast our MVP.
M. Master Key: Well, I’m sorry, I only had 30 minutes between the boat landing and getting on the train in San Francisco, and since they gave away my luggage I also had to go buy new clothes.
Purple Haze: Hm, I guess if you only had 30 minutes that explains it.
M. Master Key: The snacks?
Purple Haze: No, your outfit.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Well I still can’t believe they gave away your stuff.
Purple Haze: At least they donated it to a good cause?
M. Master Key: My pants are going to make it around the world before we do.
And as if to prove him right, our friends almost immediately run into an obstacle, in the form of an extremely badass rider, towing a dude in chains, who stops their coach and “requests” a ride… at gunpoint. Now despite the trope a lot of us know from Hollywood westerns, the rider’s black cowboy hat doesn’t actually mean he’s on the dark side (and apparently that trope isn’t as clear cut as you might think!).
Purple Haze, asking the important questions: Why are we stopped? And who are you?
The Law: I’m a US Marshal, and I’m bringing this criminal to trial.
Ginge Nellie Bly, can’t help herself: For what?
The Law: Violation of civil rights.
The Criminal: It’s a made up crime to stop people complaining about how the south has been treated since the war.
Hang on, is this guy saying what I think he’s saying?
The Law: YUP. Anyway, Criminal, you lost, so pipe down.
The Criminal: I’m a man of honor and a gentleman! This is ridiculous!
The Law: Well, the courts can decide that. Anyway, we need a ride: take us into town.
Now, the lady driving the stagecoach makes a decent point when she says these two look like trouble, and she hasn’t even seen Con Air! Between her temper, the sniping jibes of The Criminal, and The Law's desire for justice, I think trouble is pretty much guaranteed. But even though the extra two men will slow the trip down, Purple Haze is persuaded to invite them into the coach. On the plus side, now that they’re all squashed together on one bench, our trio are only a good mixtape away from the ultimate roadtrip experience.
Inevitably, the talk turns to introductions, which means that everyone finally finds out that they’ve been reported dead. Naturally, they’re pretty worried about their heartbroken friends and family back home.
Ginge Nellie Bly: We should have telegrammed!
Purple Haze: There wasn’t enough time — I mean, look at M. Master Key’s outfit!
M. Master Key: Rude, and also, we don’t want word to get out, they’ll just send someone else to kill us!
The Law: Someone tried to kill you?
Purple Haze: Kind of. There was a misunderstanding with an old friend. It’s no big deal, but M. Master Key is probably right… I’ll just sort it out when we get back.
Unless your plan is to pretend to be a ghost so you can go full Banquo on Rich Meanie’s ass and make him feel really bad about everything until he ultimately loses it, I don’t know about this “sort it out when we get back” strategy, but whatevs. Anyway, speaking of Rich Meanie, he’s now getting hounded in the street outside The Reform Club by a debt collector.
Back in the stagecoach, while Ginge Nellie Bly naps on M. Master Key’s shoulder (aw!), Purple Haze’s staring at a brand on The Law's hand starts a conversation.
The Law: Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
Purple Haze: I’m so sorry, I’m being rude. Did you get that in the war?
The Law: No, it’s from when I was enslaved.
M. Master Key: What? And now you're a marshal?
The Law: I escaped from Texas when the war started, and hid out with the Cherokee Nation until it was over. Government thought that skill set would be useful. I’m the first Black man west of the Mississippi with the badge.
M. Master Key: So… is this fugitive important?
The Law: Not anymore!
Well unfortunately, he still is to some people, because while the stagecoach driver flirts with Purple Haze and stops to water the horses, 3 dudes in what look like confederate uniforms are hot on The Criminal’s trail, and have found his dead horse. Back at the stagecoach, The Criminal starts asking Purple Haze pointed questions about M. Master Key.
The Criminal: So, he’s French, right? Don’t you hate the French?
Purple Haze: Well not individually!
The Criminal, sucking up: I just have to say, I’m a big fan of Britain. We have the same values: honor, order — a place for everyone.
Gross! And less likely to resonate with Purple Haze, I hope, after the events of the journey so far. While they talk, Ginge Nellie Bly chats with the stagecoach driver about adventure lady things, like whether they can find a husband who won’t tie them down, and M. Master Key talks to The Law about immediately plot-relevant things, like whether The Criminal is dangerous.
The Law: So, there’s this group of white dudes in Tennessee who dress up in robes and hoods.
M. Master Key, fortunate enough to not know about the KKK yet: Well that sounds dumb.
The Law: It is, but it’s no joke. They go around murdering Black people like us. That guy is one of their ringleaders. Look, people think the war solved everything, but it didn’t: people don’t change, they just take their hateful garbage underground.
Back at the stagecoach, The Criminal doubles down on being a disgusting racist, and tells Purple Haze he needs to do a better job of protecting Ginge Nellie Bly’s reputation.
Purple Haze: From what?
The Criminal: From the French kid — can’t you see they’re into each other? It’s obvious.
Purple Haze: What? No! What? Really?
The Criminal: Yeah, dummy. Now that you know, do something about it!
Again, gross! Over by the horses, The Law continues his actually serious conversation with M. Master Key, telling him that if anything happens, he is to get himself (and his friends) out of the way.
M. Master Key: What about you?
The Law: I had to fight for a chance to be free. If those losers want to try and take that away from me, I’ll fight again.
M. Master Key: You sound like my brother. He died fighting for his cause.
The Law: Well if something matters enough it’s worth it.
M. Master Key: I’m not sure there’s anything I’d be willing to die for.
The Law: Oh, there is. When the time comes, you’ll know.
Exposition achieved, and horses watered, everyone returns to the stagecoach and they set off again, but not before Purple Haze, who continues to not know the rules of preventing narrative mishaps, explains that if there aren’t any more delays they’ll arrive in time to get the next train.
In the coach, The Law gives his gun a good clean (always a good idea, if you think you might get into a firefight), which catches Ginge Nellie Bly’s eye. Apparently this week it’s her turn to have a hidden talent, which she reveals when she expertly inspects the revolver. It seems that NewsPapa taught her to shoot as a child.
The Law: Ah, a classic dad move. Makes you feel safer about your kid if they can take out a rattlesnake.
The Criminal: I don’t think a rattlesnake is the danger here.
Everyone else:
The Law, ignoring that: Here, check out this one. It’s a pocket pistol.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Very elegant!
The Criminal: That’s because it’s mine.
The Law, not just talking about the gun: Looks fancy, but it kills people. Keep it — it’ll be safer with you, knowing this guy.
And while Ginge Nellie Bly tucks the gun into her bag, they pull into the hopefully not aptly named Battle Mountain, the town where they’re planning to catch the train. While Purple Haze runs off to the train station to find out if his calculations were correct (they were, but that means they’re going to have to wait a bit for the train to arrive), M. Master Key hands Ginge Nellie Bly out of the coach, which garners them a lot of stares from the grouchy dirty men who live in this town.
M. Master Key: Guess they’ve never seen a Frenchman before.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Maybe it’s the suit.
Reader, I don’t know what to tell you: the suit isn’t that bad! Anyway, while they continue to flirt, The Law secures The Criminal’s chains and takes him toward the station. Purple Haze returns to get his friends: they have just enough time to eat before the train leaves! Excited by the prospect of a proper meal, he bids their driver adieu, but not before she flirtily shakes his hand and gives him a look that suggests she’d like to make him a proper meal.
Purple Haze, silently, with his eyes: I am uncomfortable.
Ginge Nellie Bly and M. Master Key:
Ginge Nellie Bly gives their driver a hug and says goodbye, but not before spotting the telegraph office behind her. While they men head off to get food, The Criminal continues to be a racist dirtbag to The Law and furthers his attempt to get Purple Haze to break up his travelling companions.
Purple Haze: No thanks! I’m going to stay out of it. And M. Master Key is a great guy!
The Criminal, unwilling to let it go: And Ginge Nellie Bly is white!
Purple Haze: Oh, so when you said “shared values” earlier that’s what you meant?
The Criminal: Yeah, dude, I thought that was pretty obvious. Seems like all that globetrotting has corrupted you!
But before Purple Haze can fully verbalize how gross he finds The Criminal, The Law takes his prisoner into the bar to hold him there until the train arrives. Meanwhile, outside, M. Master Key fills Ginge Nellie Bly in on the convo he overheard between Purple Haze and The Criminal at the water stop.
Ginge Nellie Bly, not one to mince words: Hey, Hazy — what did that guy say to you earlier?
Purple Haze: Welllllll…
M. Master Key: Come on, spit it out: I heard you.
Purple Haze: Ok, look, I hadn’t noticed anything! He asked me what was going on between you two…
At the same time M. Master Key says “nothing,” Ginge Nellie Bly says “none of his business” so… excited to watch them sort that out.
M. Master Key: I mean…
Ginge Nellie Bly: Oh, so it’s like that, is it?
Purple Haze: Well, he said it was obvious. I thought he was just worried about what your dad would think, but it turns out…
Ginge Nellie Bly: Wait, so you talked about ME and MY DAD with a CRIMINAL?
Purple Haze: Nooo, he talked to me, I didn’t bring it up!
M. Master Key: I’m sorry, but how was this obvious?
Purple Haze: It wasn’t, at least to me.
Ginge Nellie Bly: Or to you, apparently, M. Master Key!
M. Master Key: But I thought…
Purple Haze: So something is happening?
Ginge Nellie Bly: No. Anyway, mind your own business!
Purple Haze, correct: Ok but that's kind of hypocritical for our resident reporter to say though?
Ginge Nellie Bly doesn’t really have an answer for that, so she stalks off in a huff, telling the guys to keep out of her affairs.
Purple Haze, to M. Master Key: So, when she says affairs...?
M. Master Key:
Both men make their way into the bar, where M. Master Key and The Criminal have a tense standoff after The Criminal threatens to kill M. Master Key. The Law talks our friend down, but The Criminal isn’t done being the worst, and yells over to Purple Haze that he needs to “figure out what side you’re on.” I don’t anticipate this will be a super challenging decision given that one side is composed of murderous, racist, sore-losers, but ok.
Purple Haze: Yeah, that. I’m on the side that stands up to jerks like you. Barkeep, the menu?
Obviously, the selection is not huge here in this tiny town, so they guys order the only option (bacon and beans), but I guess it could be worse.
Anyway, the bartender doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get their food, but it probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway: The Criminal’s evil pals have just arrived in town in search of their buddy. Meanwhile, Ginge Nellie Bly sends a telegram, and tells the operator she’d like to send a second. He tries, but can’t get anything through.
Telegram Man: Uh oh. Someone’s cut the line. That either means the bank’s about to get robbed or someone’s about to be murdered.
Well, I hate that! Anyway, before the fight can start, we go to London, where NewsPapa’s evening of being engrossed by his work is interrupted by Rich Meanie.
Rich Meanie: Look dude, you have to take a break. Ginge Nellie Bly wouldn’t want to see you like this.
NewsPapa: Well, she’s dead. So.
Rich Meanie: Don’t you think we should do right by Purple Haze then, at least? You’re his executor; settle his estate. Pay up that bet, it’s a matter of honor! Uphold his reputation as a gentleman! I’ll make an appointment for us with his lawyers, ok?
Ok, first of all, this is such a transparent money grab, which is nasty. Second of all, as someone who’s had the unfortunate experience of acting as an executor, you can’t just snap your fingers and wrap up someone’s affairs. Rich Meanie just kissed any possibility of a redemption arc goodbye, as far as this recapper is concerned, I don't care what he says.
Back in ye olde west, Ginge Nellie Blly walks through the eerily empty streets towards the saloon, where things have gotten even creepier. See, unbeknownst to our friends, the slow-moving bartender is knocked out behind the bar, and one of The Criminal’s friends has taken his place. When another of them enters and asks for a drink, The Law pulls his gun.
The Law: Bar’s closed. Leave or I’ll shoot you.
Thug 1: I don’t think you will. Because then my friend over there will kill you and those other guys.
And at that, all of the bad guys pull out their guns, and The Criminal, pleased with his success, starts grandstanding.
Purple Haze: Why don’t you just leave?
The Criminal: Because I have to be completely unhinged first. Thug 1, still have your switchblade?
Purple Haze: What are you going to do to me?
The Criminal: Nothing! You should be asking what you’re going to do to M. Master Key over there.
Purple Haze, of course, refuses, but The Criminal pushes him: if he doesn’t cut off M. Master Key’s finger, he’s going to be killed. M. Master Key, sick of The Criminal’s crap, slams his own hand down on the table.
M. Master Key: Just do it. Then get out of here and look after Ginge Nellie Bly. I know it’s not you; he’s making you do this.
Purple Haze very slowly approaches the table, where M. Master Key is in the unenviable position of trying to talk his friend into mutilating him. Just then, however, he sees Ginge Nellie Bly pop up in the window and abruptly changes tactics.
M. Master Key, stalling: Wait! If you’re going to do it, do it right. Cut, don’t saw, you get it?
Purple Haze, horrified and confused: What?
The Criminal: What the hell?
M. Master Key: Look, he’s English! He never slices through meat that isn’t boiled to death! If he’s going to do this I just want him to… be prepared.
Even with the warning, it’s hard to imagine that anyone could really be prepared for Ginge Nellie Bly to ride through the doors, gun blazing, like some kind of hot lady gunslinger here to fulfill all of Chekov’s fantasies (and mine, tbh). She’s a pretty good shot, taking out one of the guys, but even so she’s soon out of bullets. As she takes cover, one of the thugs aims at her, only to have Purple Haze sneak up behind him to kick him in the nards. Unfortunately for Purple Haze, he didn’t kick hard enough, and so the guy turns around and takes aim… and is quickly taken out by The Law, who uses the distraction to get M. Master Key to toss his guns back. Everyone seems to be handled, but one of the baddies, unnoticed by our friends, takes aim at Ginge Nellie Bly. Just in time, M. Master Key spots him, vaults a table, and knocks him out, via the window, in one punch. It’s glorious.
The Law: Well, I need to go chase The Criminal down.
M. Master Key: We’re coming too.
The Law: No you’re not. This isn’t your fight.
Our trio, however, disagrees, so they split up and arrange to search the town. The Law leaves Purple Haze to guard the one bad guy who isn’t dead and protect the street while he searches the other direction, but of course, Purple Haze notices a clue as to The Criminal’s whereabouts: a trail of blood that Purple Haze can’t resist following. He sneaks, pretty well I might add, through the stables, and finally corners The Criminal before he can leave.
Purple Haze: Drop the gun.
The Criminal: No. You won’t hurt me, you’re a coward.
Purple Haze, enraged by the c word: Drop. The. Gun.
The Criminal, dropping the gun: Would you have done it? Hurt your friend?
M. Master Key, arriving on the scene: He wouldn’t. But I will.
The Criminal: You can’t. I’m unarmed.
M. Master Key: When did that ever stop you?
The Law, arriving just in time: That’s not justice. Be better than him.
M. Master Key ultimately drops the gun, and The Law brings The Criminal into custody, thanking our friends for their help.
Purple Haze: Does it get easier to stand up to people like that?
The Law: Yeah, if there are people to stand with you. Anyway, I have some business to attend to in town, but shouldn’t you guys be on a train?
Yeah, they really should, so they book it back to the station. On the way, M. Master Key says what we all (or at least I) have been thinking: Ginge Nellie Bly on a horse?
They both admit that they saved each other’s lives (cute!), and discuss the fact that there are a bunch of crummy people in the world, but good ones too. And as they sprint for the train, it’s Ginge Nellie Bly, this time, who tempts fate by asking what could go wrong. Well guess what, sweetheart: your telegram might have something to do with it! Back in London, Rich Meanie tries to hurry NewsPapa along to the meeting with the Purple Haze’s lawyers when Newspapa receives a telegram, which he naturally reads immediately.
The Telegram: Papers wrong. We’re not dead. Heading home!
NewsPapa is, of course, beside himself with joy, but Rich Meanie is horrified. Might he actually still lose that bet? Will NewsPapa notice that his friend is the only one not celebrating the good news? Will Rich Meanie double down on his recap name and actually succeed in stopping our friends? And will the trio actually get on the boat now that Purple Haze, arriving in New York, has finally figured out that the origin of his favorite secret shameful “coward” postcard is right there in NYC? We’ll just have to tune in for the season finale next week to find out!
Episode 1 recap: up, up and away
Episode 2 recap: crazy train
Episode 3 recap: truth hurts
Episode 4 recap: listen to your heart
Episode 5 recap: I read the news today; oh boy
Episode 6 recap: no man is an island
