Every season, the Drama After Dark team gathers ‘round the (still virtual) conference room table to watch the latest and greatest in all things drama. With fall finally fast approaching, I’m excited to cover MASTERPIECE’s newest offering: Guilt. Do I know very much about the plot yet? No. But it has Mark Bonnar and his annoyingly hot face, so let’s just say I’m looking forward to it. Check in each week for a recap following the show on Sunday evenings!
Last time on Guilt, the brothers Softie and Cheekbones committed vehicular homicide, covered it up and then just started digging a metaphorical hole so deep they’re now almost certainly unable to get out unassisted. What bad idea will they try this week? Only one way to find out: on with the show!
Just for a change of pace, this week’s episode kicks off in the kind of country pub some might call quaint, when really they mean “run down” or “abandoned.” So abandoned, in fact, that the publican is the sole person in the joint, despite tacking up a help wanted sign on the door. What’s the deal with that? Not sure, and we’re not about to find out, because instead we’re joining Cheekbones and Remington Steele Reserve in a different pub. Why? Well, to answer that, we have to start with a philosophical question: can you say someone is back on their bullshit when in fact they’ve never left said bullshit in the first place? In a bid to keep his nose clean, our pal Cheekbones is about to try and convince Remington Steele Reserve that his plan to get back on the wagon, solve the case and reunite with his wife is not to be, due to said wife conducting a torrid affair.
Remington Steele Reserve:
Cheekbones: Anyway, I can see you’re going through it. Why don’t I take some stuff off your to-do list. Like that paint sample, for instance!
Remington Steele Reserve: Oh, I already dropped that off — I’ve become an early riser in my sobriety!
Cheekbones: Wow. Great. Well, here’s that drink you ordered.
Remington Steele Reserve: Uh… this is mostly vodka?
Cheekbones, feigning disbelief: Oh NO! I’m so sorry! Well can I get you something else? You deserve a proper drink, given everything.
Remington Steele Reserve: Look, I know what you’re doing. You brought me to a bar, and you gave me booze, and told me about my wife… because you’re challenging me! To make sure this sober thing is the real deal! Well it is :)
Cheekbones, grinding his teeth into oblivion (but at least he can afford dental work): Great!
Meanwhile, at the Softie/L’Americain loveshack i.e. dead uncle Walter’s house, they’re starting the day with the customary record playing/banter situation, but this time, with a sprinkle of “let’s talk about murdered musicians!” just for flavor.
L’Americain: Look, I think you should have these records for your store — they’re awesome, but how would I get them home?
Softie, living up to his name: No way! They belong together, they’re like a little vinyl family! Also you’re gonna be here for a while, and we can keep doing our weird musical mating ritual if they’re here too.
Game recognize game, I guess? Anyway, L’Americain heads off to answer the door, and Softie seizes his moment to find that picture of Walter’s niece that so bothered him last week, and pocket it. And while he works on his sleight of hand, Cheekbones visits Rear Window.
Cheekbones: Look, I’m sure you think you saw something, but I bet your eyesight isn’t so good at your age!
Rear Window: You’re not wrong.
Cheekbones: And that sure is a bummer. Anyway, whatever you think you saw, we’re just two helpful guys, helping an old guy home. Right?
Rear Window: Sure, for 20,000. You killed him. I saw. Pay up!
Cheekbones, hilariously, and predictably, tries to haggle, but Rear Window isn’t having it. She wants her cash, dang it! Cheekbones tries to argue that it’s too much, and he can’t get it without anyone noticing, but Rear Window, having seen how fancy his car is, isn’t sympathetic.
Leaving her house, Cheekbones finally checks his phone, and finds out that Remington Steele Reserve is already over at Walter’s, ingratiating himself with L’Americain. He’s looking for a picture of Walter to do some canvassing, and would love to look at Walter’s financial records too, but like a dog with a bone, Remington Steele Reserve is mostly interested in those paint fragments that Cheekbones is so eager for him to forget.
Remington Steele Reserve: I mean, we can get a lot of information on that car; maybe even where it was purchased!
L’Americain: And an accident could explain the bruises!
Cheekbones, manic: Noooo, all the paint tells us is that at some point Walter’s pants came into some contact with SOME car — it’s not exactly a smoking gun!
Remington Steele Reserve: Or it could be!
Softie, like the good U.K. citizen he is, diffuses the tension in the sitting room by bringing Cheekbones into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. But once there, he starts asking some pretty reasonable questions: wasn’t Cheekbones going to keep Remington Steele Reserve in line? Isn’t he worried about the inevitably of the paint situation? What’s the play here!? Cheekbones, probably annoyed that everything isn’t going to plan, gets snotty, and insists that Softie stay in his “babysit L’Americain and that’s it” lane. Not gonna lie to you, reader: with every passing second, I am a bigger supporter of team “Softie frames Cheekbones and returns to his idyllic record store.”
Later, at home, Cheekbones sits down for a conversation with Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones. Or, more accurately, lurks into the room to drop a conversational bomb and attempts to flee.
Cheekbones: Heeeey girl. Just FYI, might see some funky stuff with our joint account.
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Ok? Why?
Cheekbones: Oh, Softie needs money for the record shop.
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Softie always needs money for the record shop though? And you normally seem to find that amusing instead of kind of a bummer?
Cheekbones: Yeah, ok, maybe a bit. But he seems like he might actually have gotten his stuff together, you know?
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Probably because of L’Americain. Anyway, how much?
Cheekbones: Oh, ya know, like… 20 grand? I know it seems like a lot.
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Dude, that’s not just a lot, it’s a crazy amount! If he’s in that much trouble he should close the shop, that’s bonkers! I thought you had someone helping him with the financial stuff?
Cheekbones: You’re right, you’re right. I’ll just advise him. Sorry, I’m getting soft in my old age.
Great pivot, Cheekbones. Can’t wait to see where he gets the money from now! But first, we return to Walter’s house, where Softie is gently prying into L’Americain’s whole deal. Why, for instance, is she not on social media at all?
L’Americain: I had a controlling ex, it’s a safety thing.
Softie: Well sure. It’s kind of cool to be offline too.
L’Americain: Changing the subject, would you look at how much random crap there is in this house?
I’ve got news for you, L’Americain. Walter doesn’t actually have that much crap! And that brings us neatly to my semi-regular “make sure to have a clear will and directions for how your estate and death should be managed” soapbox, a fun feature everyone who reads these undoubtedly enjoys. Am I sorry? Will I stop?
The next day, Cheekbones decides to get a bit creepy, for the fun of it, but at least he’s really working a turtleneck while he does it. Anyway, he takes some time out of his day to spy on a group of young adults. To what end? I’m sure we’ll find out eventually, but first, he goes straight to Rear Window’s house.
Cheekbones: Look, I’ve been pretty cool about this whole thing, but I’m a fancy, respectable lawyer; I can’t be doing this petty bribery nonsense.
Rear Window: Lol, ok?
Cheekbones: See, the thing is, you don’t have any evidence. So you’re not getting a dime.
And with that, he swans out of there, pleased as punch and very confident, something he maybe should reconsider given the satisfied smirk on Rear Window’s face once he leaves.
At the record shop, Softie puts his John Hancock on a bunch of paperwork to receive a big ‘ol pile of records.
L’Americain: Isn’t the whole thing that you’re supposed to SELL records here?
Softie: Normally, sure, but he’s from my accountant so it’s cool.
L’Americain: Weird, but ok. Check it out, this is my dad’s favorite album.
Now, I didn’t get a good look at it, and am not a music nerd like these two, but based on Softie’s face as she then describes taking her dad to see that musician’s last gig, something is amiss with her story. Clearly, L’Americain isn’t exactly what she seems, and Softie knows it, and because he has zero poker face, now L’Americain also knows that he knows. But she isn’t about to fold so easily, even when presented with that photo of Walter’s niece.
L’Americain: Ok, busted… I was a weird looking kid!
Softie: That’s you?
L’Americain: Ok, rude, I know it’s kinda weird but what did YOU look like as a teenager?
Softie: Uh, like this, just younger? Sorry, it’s just confusing. And you’re awesome, so don’t feel weird about your kid picture.
L’Americain: Well thank you. And if you don’t mind I’m going to take this and burn it.
Me, pretty sure she’s lying still: Softie, no!
Softie: Sure!
Meanwhile, as Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones and Spin Class Friend head for their cars after class, Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones asks if Spin Class Friend wants to hang out.
Spin Class Friend: Not now, but here’s my address. Swing by some time!
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Uhhhh… ok?
Spin Class Friend, sensing the awkwardness: Look, when I told you I’m into women, I meant you in particular. I know that might make you uncomfortable, but I have to shoot my shot.
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Oh. Thanks! I’ll uh, just keep blathering on uncomfortably until you, understandably, leave me here to be confused, shall I?
Spin Class Friend: LOL. Ok, sure, weirdo.
Just as awkward is the conversation Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones has with her husband later that evening when he finds out she’s having a fun text conversation with L’Americain.
Cheekbones: I mean, what do you even talk about?
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: None of your business! We’re friends, don’t be a jerk.
Cheekbones: You know what, you’re right: I’m sorry. I’ll get out of work early tomorrow and we can go out for dinner tomorrow so you can talk to me instead. That place you like and I hate.
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones agrees, but frankly I’m not so sure she’s as appeased by this plan as Cheekbones thinks she is, and like I said last week, she might be better off just ditching him for Spin Class Friend. Before we can find out, we see the purpose behind Cheekbones’ turtlenecked lurking yesterday: at the crime lab, one of the youths he spied on takes and destroys the paint sample.
For some reason, Remington Steele Reserve is surprised by this suddenly missing evidence, and wants to get another sample, but Softie, smarter than Cheekbones keeps insisting, dealt with that issue already: the pants have been washed, because Softie found them “creepy.” Cheekbones, sensing his opportunity, takes it upon himself to fire Remington Steele Reserve, arguing that this screw up could harm the reputation of Cheekbones’ law practice.
L’Americain:
Remington Steele Reserve: No, he’s right. I screwed up, I’ll quit.
Cheekbones: Well done, now you’ve got dignity, at least. Let’s go, boys.
Softie tries to hang around for a bit, but L’Americain dismisses him too, saying she’s got stuff to do. At the door, as Remington Steele Reserve apologizes to her again, she asks him: what does he think happened to Walter?
Remington Steele Reserve: I think something funky happened, to be honest. Keep looking.
Yet another person who’s smarter than Cheekbones keeps insisting, it seems. In the car, Softie, of course, asks if Cheekbones was behind the missing evidence. Cheekbones, never NOT in self preservation mode, declines to comment.
Softie: Well, thanks. And I took care of the thing with L’Americain.
Cheekbones: Uh, WHAT thing with L’Americain?
Like me, Cheekbones is not prepared to take L’Americain’s explanation of the weird photo at face value, and insists on taking a wee detour to Walter’s solicitor’s office to double check her identity. Given the scan of her passport he has on file, everything seems to be in order, but since we’re only halfway through the second episode, I still think something’s gonna come of that later. We’ll see!
And speaking of wee detours, we’re taking one to meet back up with Remington Steele Reserve. Despite his glum mood earlier, he’d stuck around in his car looking over case notes just long enough to see something… unusual. Remember the neighbor with the video camera from last week? He shambles out of his house and puts Walter’s newly repaired gnome in pride of place in his front yard. A gnome who just happens to be in the background of the picture of Walter that Remington Steele Reserve has in his possession at that very moment! Now of course, it could be nothing. Or, it could lead to Remington Steele Reserve finding a way to get to those cameras and cracking the case wide open. We’ll just have to wait and see!
But meanwhile, Cheekbones, thinking the job is done, is ready to celebrate. Things can get back to normal!
Softie: What if I don’t want to go back to normal?
Cheekbones: Look, I know maybe this has been fun and exciting for you, but get over it! She’s going back home, and that’s a good thing. Get her out of here.
Softie, pissed: Ok.
Back at Walter’s neighbor’s house, Remington Steele Reserve is about to hit paydirt.
Neighbor: I told the others — it’s a fake camera!
Remington Steele Reserve: Others?
Neighbor: Yeah, Walter’s buddies — the ones who happen to look just like Cheekbones and Softie!
Remington Steele Reserve: Look, I’m just here to help Walter’s family, I’m not going to mess with you, and the obviously illegal crap you’re up to in here. But that camera isn’t fake.
Reader, not gonna lie to you: Remington Steele Reserve is really coming up in my estimation. That was just a stone cold killer maneuver! And speaking of power moves, as Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones prepares for her night on the town, she gets a text from Spin Class Friend reiterating the invitation to her place. I’m sure it won’t amount to much because Cheekbones is on his way home, and he definitely won’t be late.
Immediately, my sarcasm is justified, because the receptionist hands Cheekbones a package from “a wee old lady” — sounds like Rear Window to me! Remember when Cheekbones tried to tell her she had no evidence? She counters with a recording of the security tape featuring our friends carrying Walter into the house. Security tape which at that very moment is ALSO being reviewed by Remington Steele Reserve. Flustered by this new issue, Cheekbones ignores incoming calls from Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones, and makes his way to a shady payday loan office, where he meets with exactly the slimy kind of guy you’d expect. Fun fact: he definitely already knows said slimeball very well, as evidenced by his plan to just add this to his existing payments. What have you been up to, Cheekbones?
Sleazy Loan Shark: Wow, you’ve never looked all tense and teetering on the edge of disaster like my normal clients before!
Cheekbones: What a horrifying thing to say! Unfortunately I don’t have time to worry about that right now.
Money acquired, Cheekbones heads over to give Rear Window her payout.
Rear Window: Look, don’t worry about the guy who filmed this — he doesn’t know what he recorded, and he’s just trying to stay on the DL; he won’t cause any trouble. And don’t worry about L’Americain — I’ve seen you guys keeping watch. That was smart.
Cheekbones: So who does this cover?
Rear Window: Me; no one else knows about that.
Cheekbones: This tape isn’t all that helpful though.
Rear Window: Well sure, but it could be a real pain in the ass. And there aren’t other copies. This is a one time thing. You look tired — makes sense given what you’ve done. Just leave that with me; it’s finished.
IS IT? I’m not so sure, because as soon as Cheekbones leaves, it LOOKS like Rear Window tries to make a call over to L’Americain at Walter’s house.
Next, Cheekbones returns to the office to find Remington Steele Reserve, who’s there to give his invoice, and definitely for no other reason! Cheekbones, preoccupied, grabs his checkbook and starts writing, completely unaware that his former employee has a new avenue of inquiry.
Remington Steele Reserve: Oh, by the way — did you ever go talk to any of the neighbors?
Cheekbones, lying: Nope. Bye!
Remington Steele Reserve, satisfied with the conclusion he’s just drawn, takes the money, and with a lingering “I got you” look, departs. But does he actually go home? NO, he’s on the case now! So he lingers in the lobby long enough to see the accountant who dropped off records and got Softie to sign paperwork earlier in the episode. I don’t know enough about the U.K. tax situation to figure out what Cheekbones is up to, but this certainly can’t bode well for poor Softie.
Hey, remember how I said Cheekbones better show up or Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones would finally get hers and go visit the very interested in showing her a good time Spin Class Friend? Guess where she is right now!
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones appears to be at least a little contrite about cheating on her husband, but I suspect once the whole “he ruthlessly covered up a murder AND is apparently tight with a creepy loan shark” thing comes out she won’t feel quite so bad. Despite her evening’s itinerary, she still beats him home, so when Cheekbones rushes in full of apologies, she’s waiting for him.
Cheekbones: *Completely useless platitudes*
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: Hey guess what? I don’t care.
Cheekbones: The last week has been really hard, but everything is normal again now! Let’s go out!
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones, with enough gravity to show that she might mean both literally AND figuratively: No, it’s too late.
Cheekbones: I can change!
Long-Suffering Lady Cheekbones: No. I’m tired, I’m going to shower, and then we can just stay in.
While Cheekbones lives the plot of the song “You’re So Vain” and completely misses the part where his wife has more going on than waiting around for him to show up from work, Softie calls up L’Americain.
Softie: I have to tell you something. When I was younger I was in a band, and we almost made it. And since that happened I’ve been adrift; scared of the future, you get it. Look, I know we barely know each other, and the circumstances could not be more weird, but you gave me hope again. I want you to stay.
L’Americain: Yup. I’m staying.
Oh, Softie. I love you buddy, and I’m glad you’re happy, but she’s not staying for you! Anyway, he goes back to making himself a coffee and notices something interesting on the matchbook (which yes, is from the abandoned pub we opened the episode with). Whilst the family Cheekbones (which feels like a descriptive stretch at present, but what can you do) has a very awkward at home date night, Softie looks up the place on Tripadvisor, and finds a picture of L’Americain there tending bar. And that prompts a little flashback, showing her chatting with a woman at the bar… and it’s Rear Window! Before we can wonder too much if it was just a coincidence (of course it’s not) L’Americain walks over to Rear Window’s house for a quick chat.
Rear Window: Why haven’t you left yet?
L’Americain: Because I’m pretty sure you lied to me about what you did and what happened, and I won’t leave until I know.
Rear Window: Oh, girlie: it’s what WE did.
And with that creepy AF pronouncement, she shuts the door right in L’Americain’s face. Did Rear Window somehow frame Cheekbones and Softie? And what’s L’Americain’s deal? Guess we’ll have to wait for next Sunday for answers.
