'Pride & Prejudice' Episode 6 Recap: Rumor Has It

Every season, the Drama After Dark team gathers ‘round the (virtual) conference room table to watch the latest and greatest in British dramas. This month, we’re covering a period drama powerhouse that GBH recently brought back to GBH Passport: Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 smash hit that launched a thousand crushes on Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle alike. I’m here to recap the mini-series for both first-time viewers and superfans. Prepare to drown your feelings in the nearest available lake: it’s recap time.

So last week, in the penultimate episode, Baby Bennet ran off with human dumpster fire Wicker Man, ruining everyone’s good time, but then was found and forced into marriage, which kind of saved the day. What on earth will happen next?

Well, for starters, the news that Baby Bennet will be wed completely turns Mom Bennet’s mood around. Instead of worrying about dishonour, she’s now worrying about what Baby Bennet will wear for the wedding, and complaining that the blessed event will happen in London instead of near home so they can attend.

Mom Bennet: And besides, why does your uncle get to make all these decisions, he’s being so pushy!
Marcia: Mom, he saved the day.
JudgyPants: Yeah, he definitely spent a LOT of money paying off Wicker Man’s debts — I don’t think we’ll be able to repay him!
Mom Bennet: Well, he should: that’s what relatives do! Anyway, I’m just glad one of you kids finally found a man. JudgyPants, go find out how much cash your dad will give your sister for wedding clothes. I can’t wait to go tell everyone about this!

Downstairs, JudgyPants and Dad Bennet shut out the sounds of Mom Bennet’s celebration to have a serious chat.

Dad Bennet: Well at least SOMEONE is happy.
JudgyPants: Do you think Uncle G had to spend a ton of cash on this?
Dad Bennet: Definitely. Wicker Man would be an idiot if he agreed to anything less than £10,000.
JudgyPants: WHAT? That’s a ton of money!
Me: Yeah, and it’s coincidentally the annual income of Grumpy Cat!
JudgyPants: Crap, we’ll never be able to pay back even half of that.
Dad Bennet: I probably should have set aside money all these years to bribe horrible boys into marrying you girls, but I didn’t, so here we are. Obviously we hoped to have a son who could take care of everyone, but then by the time we were done having kids it felt too late to start saving. And all for Baby Bennet to marry a complete doofus.

Baby Bennet, who somehow still doesn’t realize how serious the situation is, gets married with a great deal of excitement despite the family not being there. You know who is in attendance? Grumpy Cat, who seems to be keeping Wicker Man in line with the sheer force of his disapproval.

Uncle Gardiner sends an update. Wicker Man will resign his current post and move away, relying on the help of some of his friends to purchase a new commission (i.e. to pay his way into a higher ranking leadership role). Uncle G has asked Baby Bennet’s failed chaperone to pay off Wicker Man’s creditors in Brighton, and asks Dad Bennet to do the same in their small town. After the wedding they’ll head straight north, unless they get an invite to come visit home first. Mom Bennet, of course, says yes, and then complains bitterly that they aren’t moving closer to home, wilfully ignoring that Wicker Man has essentially been run out of town in disgrace and that he cannot afford any of the local real estate she deems nice enough.

Dad Bennet, putting his foot down: Well guess what, sweetheart — even if you do convince them to move to town, they are never staying in this house again.

Soon thereafter the “happy couple” arrive. Mom Bennet is overjoyed to see them both, but everyone else would sooner kill Wicker Man than look at him. Baby Bennet, never very good at reading a room, luxuriates in her perceived triumph over her sisters.

Baby Bennet: Wow, what do you guys think of my husband? JudgyPants, I bet you’re jealous!
JudgyPants:

Baby Bennet: It’s such a shame the whole family didn’t come on vacation with me, I could have snared you all husbands!
JudgyPants: LOL, thanks for the offer, but we’re good.
Baby Bennet: Anyway, our wedding was nice but it’s too bad there were so few people there — only our aunt, and uncle, and Grumpy Cat.
JudgyPants:

Baby Bennet: Yeah, someone had to be Wicker Man’s groomsman! I wish it had been one of our real friends, like Non Breakfast Denny, but what can you do. Oh, beans — I wasn’t supposed to say anything, it’s a secret! Whoops!

JudgyPants, spinning out a bit, writes a letter to Gardinerette to ask how the heck Grumpy Cat came to be at the worst wedding of all time. Gardinerette, who is the best, immediately spills the tea.

The Letter:

Dear JudgyPants,

Wow, can’t believe you didn’t know this! Grumpy Cat showed up at our house unannounced, handled everything, and paid for everything. And then he told your uncle that he’d have to take the credit! Grumpy Cat said he was to blame, having not told everyone about Wicker Man’s perfidy, and so he had to fix it. We of course told him he was being too hard on himself, but he wouldn’t yield.

Love always,
Your Aunt/Gardinerette

While JudgyPants tries to digest this news, Wicker Man tries to make nice.

Wicker Man: Oh hey, it’s my new sister! Am I interrupting you?
JudgyPants: Yup. But it’s fine.
Wicker Man: Great, because I’d be so bummed if you didn’t want to hang out with me anymore, since we were friends. Can we go for a walk?
JudgyPants: Sure.
Wicker Man, still a lying POS: Sooooo I ran into Grumpy Cat in London a couple of times! I wonder what he was doing there?
JudgyPants, messing with him: Maybe getting ready for the wedding…
Wicker Man:

JudgyPants: His wedding. With GirlBoss’ daughter. Regardless, it would have to be something unusual for him to be there this time of year.
Wicker Man, thinks he’s sneakier than he is: Did you see him when you were out in Derbyshire? I feel like your aunt and uncle mentioned that you had.
JudgyPants: Sure did! We met his sister Lil Bub. She’s great.
Wicker Man, digging his own grave: Yeah, I heard she’s really gotten a lot better over the last couple of years. When I last saw here she was kind of a loser — hopefully she will turn out well. Anyway, did you go by the village? That’s where I was supposed to be a priest.
JudgyPants, squaring up: Fun! Would you have liked that?
Wicker Man: Totally!
JudgyPants, going in for the kill: Well that’s funny, because I heard you turned the job down and asked for money instead. Let’s not fight about it; we’re family now! You just gotta know that I know what I know, ya know?

Foe vanquished, Wicker Man and Baby Bennet shove off for their new home, never to be seen again (well, not to be seen for a good long while, at least). Mom Bennet is distraught, but what can you do? Wicker Man makes a big show of thanking everyone, like the showboating goober he is, and with that, they’re gone. Life returns to some semblance of normalcy for everyone else, but don’t get too comfy: Doug the Pug is coming back to the countryside!

Marcia, lying through her teeth: Well, I sure don’t care!
JudgyPants: Again, not to steal your thing, but Sure, Jan.
Marcia: At least on the plus side it’s a shooting party so he didn’t bring the Regency Plastics, and we probably won’t see him. I just don’t want to hear all the gossip about me :(
JudgyPants: I guess you’re right… it’s not fair for us to speculate about the guy just for coming to his own house. But also:

Marcia, blushing: Ugh, shut up!

Anyway, Doug the Pug hasn’t been to visit yet, prompting Mom Bennet and Dad Bennet to recreate their conversation from all the way back in episode 1. Thankfully, we’re soon spared, because who should be approaching the house but the man himself? And guess what, he’s not alone: Grumpy Cat is here too. Do the eldest two Bennets simultaneously internally combust while the rest of the family loses their minds? MAYBE. Everyone finds a spot to sit and pretend to be calm, just in time for the gentlemen to be ushered in.

Mom Bennet: Oh hello, Doug the Pug! We’re so glad to have you here, it’s been far too long. I’m sorry my lazy husband hasn’t been over to visit you yet.

While Mom Bennet drones on to a very polite Doug the Pug, JudgyPants and Grumpy Cat try to pretend that they aren’t not-so-subtley checking each other out.

Mom Bennet: Oh. And Grumpy Cat. You’re here too. We thought for sure you might never come back. Anyway, you might not have heard, our neighbor got married, and our daughter too. But they didn’t announce it right, and now she’s gone away!
JudgyPants, interrupting: SO. Doug the Pug. You staying in town long?
Doug the Pug, glad to get a word in edgewise: Yes, well, I hope so! Not sure for how long… still figuring that out!
Mom Bennet: Well if you run out of birds to kill come over and kill ours too, we don’t care!

And with that, possibly the world’s most awkward afternoon finally comes to a close. Marcia tries to act like, with that out of the way, she’ll be happy to just move on and be friends with Doug the Pug.

JudgyPants: Oh my god, you’re as adorable as you are delusional. He’s still totally into you!

I was wrong: the afternoon is about to get a hell of a lot more awkward, because Grumpy Cat finally decided to tell his friend about not telling him his girlfriend was in town, just around the corner, for months. I didn’t think Doug the Pug could get angry, but he’s hopping mad now.

Grumpy Cat: Yes, it’s true, and I’m sorry. My only justification is that I didn’t realize how you OR Marcia felt about each other. I shouldn’t have done it, it was very wrong of me.
Doug the Pug: Hold up, you’re admitting you did something wrong? Does this mean you approve?
Grumpy Cat: Do you need me to approve?
Doug the Pug: No, but I want it!
Grumpy Cat:

Doug the Pug, to a servant:

Actually, you know what, never mind — get me my horse!

And he trots on over to the Bennet house. This being early in the morning, everyone is still half dressed, which leads to a farcical upstairs scenario worthy of Molliere. Finally, everyone gets ready and heads downstairs to all awkwardly sit in the parlor. Mom Bennet tries to subtly get everyone to leave so Marcia and Doug the Pug can have some alone time, but of course, absolutely whifs it. Look, say what you will about her lack of guile, but at least she gets the job done. After a few minutes of hiding out upstairs, JudgyPants sneaks back downstairs to hang out, since she promised Marcia she would, and walks in on the couple standing RATHER close to each other. Doug the Pug scoots out.

JudgyPants: SO?
Marcia: I’m so happy! Why isn’t everyone in the world this happy all the time?? He loves me! And, of course:

I have to tell Mom — he just went to ask Dad Bennet if we can get hitched! Can you believe this all worked out?
JudgyPants: Of course! I’ve shipped it this whole time!

Everyone is fully delighted with this outcome, even Dad Bennet, who actually does quite like Doug the Pug after all (I mean, what’s not to like?). Doug the Pug heads off, promising to come back tomorrow for a visit. Dad Bennet congratulates his daughter, but still gets a dig in about how both she and her betrothed are way too sweet and gentle. For once, I really gotta agree with Dad Bennet: these two are basically the human embodiment of Care Bears.

Mom Bennet: Whatever, they’ll be fine, he’s rich!
Marcia, more observant than anyone gives her credit for: Oh, JudgyPants, if only there were someone you were interested in too!
JudgyPants: Even with all the cute boys in the world, I could never be as happy as you are right now. You’re the best person in the world, you deserve to be this happy.

Oh, did you think we were done with drama? Hilarious, and wrong, because a huge and fancy carriage bearing along none other than GirlBoss and her wan daughter has just arrived, and she’s not gonna wait around in the hall when she could be insulting the house and yelling at Judgypants.

GirlBoss: So I guess this… person... is your mom, huh?
JudgyPants: Oh, right. Yup. Mom, Girlboss; Girlboss, Mom.
Mom Bennet: And this is my second youngest daughter; the other one just got married.
GirlBoss: Hmmm. Well, your yard is tiny, and this room sucks. There’s one nice spot outside; JudgyPants, you will show it to me.

Once they’re suitably alone, GirlBoss gets straight to the point.

GirlBoss: So, you know why I’m here.
JudgyPants: Fun fact: I sure don’t!
GirlBoss: You should know not to mess with me; even if you’re gonna lie, I'll be honest with you. I heard some seriously messed up gossip the other day. Specifically, that your older sister just got engaged, and that YOU, my erstwhile plaything, would be getting engaged to my nephew Grumpy Cat any day now! I mean obviously this is impossible.
JudgyPants: If it’s so impossible, why are you here?
GirlBoss: So you can confirm my suspicions in person, duh!
JudgyPants: You realize that by showing up here you’re basically chucking a log on that gossip fire, right?
GirlBoss: Just tell me what I want to know! Did he propose?
JudgyPants: Well you just said it was impossible, soooo…
GirlBoss: Well it SHOULD be. But you’re pretty cool I guess so maybe he’s forgotten about duty.
JudgyPants: If I did seduce him or whatever I sure wouldn’t admit to that!
GirlBoss: You can’t say stuff like that to me, I’m super fancy and one of his closest relatives! I should know his secrets!
JudgyPants: Well you have no reason to know mine, and whining about it isn’t going to make me eager to spill.
GirlBoss: Now listen here: you aren’t fancy enough for him, and you can’t marry him, because he’s engaged to my daughter. What do you say to that!?
JudgyPants: I say that if he’s engaged to her you shouldn’t be worried that he’d propose to me.
GirlBoss: UGH well they’re not TECHNICALLY engaged; they’ve just been matched up since they were bébés! All my planning can’t get destroyed by one nobody! I won’t ever speak to you again if this happens!
JudgyPants:

GirlBoss: Ugh, why are you like this?? Just give me what I want!

Anyway, you should know better than to have aspirations!
JudgyPants: I’m technically also landed gentry, so, marrying Grumpy Cat’s not really aspirational, is it?
GirlBoss: Your mom is trash and so is her whole family!
JudgyPants: Well if Grumpy Cat doesn’t care, why would you?
GirlBoss: Just tell me — are you engaged?
JudgyPants: No. I just liked winding you up.
GirlBoss: Will you promise me not to get engaged to him?
JudgyPants: Yeah, not gonna do that, sorry babe. Anyway, thanks for stopping by for this fun visit, we should do it again some time!
GirlBoss: Look, I also know about your sister’s elopement: I cannot get on board with her being tied to Grumpy Cat by marriage! Are you gonna really gross out the ancestors in this appalling way?
JudgyPants: Geez, what is it about your family and just absolutely roasting me at every opportunity? You can go now!
GirlBoss: Not caring about Grumpy Cat’s reputation is so rude! You’re the worst!
JudgyPants: My plan is to make myself happy, and I sure don’t care about your whims.
GirlBoss: Well, I’m leaving, and I’m not saying goodbye to you or any of your relatives: you don’t deserve the attention. I’m furious!

And off she goes! Yikes! Later, Dad Bennet asks JudgyPants into his study for a quick word. See, he got a letter from Phil Collins this morning, and it’s a real head scratcher. Essentially, he’s sending congratulations on Marcia’s engagement and on the expected engagement of JudgyPants with a ~*~very fancy gentleman~*~.

Dad Bennet: LMAO he thinks you’re gonna get engaged to Grumpy Cat, is that not the funniest thing you’ve ever heard? You hate that guy! And he hates everyone! Isn’t that hilarious? Wait, why aren’t you laughing, are you offended?
JudgyPants: Nooo, it’s so funny!
Dad Bennet: And why was GirlBoss here, was she telling you you couldn’t marry Grumpy Cat? Man, I needed a good chuckle, thanks for this!

Laugh while you can, Dad Bennet, because soon thereafter, Grumpy Cat and Doug the Pug show up for a visit/walk into town. Kitty, not super keen to fifth wheel a double date, ditches the group to visit BFF Charlotte’s younger sister, leaving JudgyPants all alone with Grumpy Cat.

JudgyPants: Hey, I can’t not say anything about this anymore: thank you so much for saving Baby Bennet’s bacon. I am so grateful, and the rest of the family would be too if they knew. Don’t be mad at Gardinerette for telling me; Baby Bennet let it slip and then I mercilessly hounded everyone who knew anything until I had the whole story. I know it was expensive and embarrassing; please let me thank you on behalf of us all.
Grumpy Cat: Don’t thank me for them, because I’m gonna be honest, I only did it for you. Look, you wouldn’t mess with me: if you still don't like me, tell me. I still love you, but if you tell me to back off I will never talk about this again.
JudgyPants: Oof, remember what a jerk I was? Because I DO. Anyway, my feelings are not the same, I actually feel the opposite now.
Grumpy Cat, internally:

Grumpy Cat, out loud: So, GirlBoss told me about your meeting… which definitely did the opposite of what she wanted, because it made me think you might actually like me. Let’s be real: if you still didn’t want me you would have said so.
JudgyPants: LOL, well, I am honest! After the horrible stuff I said to you it would be kinda weird to be less than forthright to GirlBoss.
Grumpy Cat: Well, all the horrible stuff you said was pretty well deserved; I was a huge jerk. LOL “had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner” still messes me up. I’ve been pretty selfish my whole life, and I think you really changed me for the better.

And they finish the walk in a mood I can only describe with this transcendent gif:

Now, I don’t want to paint with a broad brush, but I believe that any woman who heard someone a) admit that they were wrong and b) that they’d changed for the better because of her influence, would be hard pressed to NOT develop a crush, at minimum, on that individual. So it’s no surprise to this recapper when JudgyPants shares that she’s agreed to marry Grumpy Cat. Marcia, not having had front row seats to all these shenanigans, feels somewhat differently.

Marcia: I’m sorry, WHAT? Grumpy Cat? You’ve gotta be kidding me.
JudgyPants: Oh lol if YOU don’t believe me the rest of the family never will. I’m not kidding; he still loves me, and we are affianced!
Marcia: But you hate him?
JudgyPants: Ok, I haven’t always loved him, but I’ve moved past that.
Marcia: Please don’t mess with me: how long have you felt this way?
JudgyPants, eyes a-twinkle: Man, I don’t know. Probably since I first saw his incredibly gorgeous… mansion?
Marcia: You’re horrible. I love you.

You know who else kind of thinks JudgyPants is being horrible right now? Dad Bennet, who hasn’t even had an inkling of the whole “I made a mistake and caught feelings for someone after rejecting him horribly” situation.

Dad Bennet: I mean, I told him it’s ok; I’m too scared to tell him no. But are you really good with this? You don’t like him! Please don’t marry someone you can’t respect.
JudgyPants: So you’re only worried about this because I don’t care about him?
Dad Bennet: Oh, totally, I can learn to like anyone if you love him.
JudgyPants: Well then get to liking him, because I actually do love him. He’s not a prideful person, really, he’s very generous and thoughtful, and the best.
Dad Bennet: In that case, I approve. You know you’re my favorite; I couldn’t let you marry someone who wasn’t good enough.

What do we love more than a wedding? A DOUBLE WEDDING. Yeah, that’s right, everyone’s getting hitched at once, and Regency Regina George can just deal with it. The newlyweds all appear to be deliriously happy, and even figure out how to smooch under their giant hats. All is well in the world. And with that, dear reader, I leave you. But have no fear: I shall be back recapping Miss Scarlet & The Duke, a new show from MASTERPIECE, starting next week!

Episode 1 Recap: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds
Episode 2 Recap: Wrecking Ball
Episode 3 Recap: Can't Fight This Feeling
Episode 4 Recap: Panic! At The Duck Pond
Episode 5 Recap: Big Reputation