Every season, the Drama After Dark team gathers ‘round the (virtual) conference room table to watch the latest and greatest in British dramas. This month, we’re covering a period drama powerhouse that GBH recently brought back to GBH Passport: Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 smash hit that launched a thousand crushes on Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle alike. I’m here to recap the mini-series for both first-time viewers and superfans. Prepare to drown your feelings in the nearest available lake: it’s recap time.
You ever realize that you might have completely misjudged someone and been a real jerkface to them while in the middle of family vacation?
Anyway, while JudgyPants heads out to look at nature and scream into the void, probably, a bunch of fancy aquaintances have arrived at her hotel. One of them, it seems, is Grumpy Cat. On the plus side, their interactions do seem to be getting less awkward by the episode, and even better, Grumpy Cat brought his sister, Lil Bub, for an introduction.
JudgyPants: Great to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you!
Lil Bub: LMAO, not as much as I’ve heard about you!
Grumpy Cat: Uh, Doug the Pug is here, and wants to say hi. Is it ok if I go get him?
JudgyPants: Oh, totally, love that guy! So, Lil Bub, I hear you’re into music and you play wonderfully!
Lil Bub: I do love music; would love to hear you perform, Grumpy Cat says you’re amazing.
JudgyPants: HA. Oh, you’re serious. Sure, I’ll play for you, but just be aware that Grumpy Cat is lying through his teeth; I’m just average.
Lil Bub: That’s impossible, he never lies! His only fault is that he’s too nice to me sometimes.
JudgyPants: Man, I wish I had a brother like that. Or a brother at all, full stop!
Lil Bub: Well I wish I had a sister. HINT HINT.
Before JudgyPants can unpack THAT, Doug the Pug veritably bounds in to say hello. As usual, he’s completely delighted to see her and very sweet about the whole thing. He’s also not subtle about asking after Marcia.
JudgyPants: Well, all my sisters are doing great, thanks for asking! Gosh, it’s been ages.
Doug the Pug: It sure has! I know the exact date I last saw you all because I wrote in my diary “said goodbye to my one true love today; life is pain.” Anyway, I really did have the time of my life out in the country, and I owe it all to you(r sister).
Lil Bub: Sorry to interrupt, but we would love to have you and the Gardiners join us for dinner — does tomorrow work?
JudgyPants: That would be swell, thank you.
Lil Bub, subtly, to Grumpy Cat:
Lil Bub: And you’ll play for us, right?
JudgyPants: Sure, why not?
Grumpy Cat, internally:
Well if you thought Grumpy Cat was gonna turn down the heart eyes at that dinner, you were WRONG. He is — and no, I’m not even a little bit sorry for this — one smitten kitten. Also, NGL, JudgyPants is a pretty kick-ass musician — even the Regency Plastics can’t find fault with her performance. Lil Bub tries to get her to keep playing, but JudgyPants, apparently a perfectionist, is too conscious of her flaws.
JudgyPants: You know what doesn’t have flaws? This piano!
Lil Bub: Right?? Grumpy Cat just gave me this as a gift; I’m not sure I deserve it.
JudgyPants: Don’t be silly, I’m sure you do. Anyway, Grumpy Cat thinks you deserve it and we all know he’s never wrong. Now step right up, it’s your turn to play.
JudgyPants heads back over to talk to the rest of the group, and unfortunately, immediately gets cornered by Regency Regina George, whom you’ll be pleased to know is still up to her rude shenanigans.
Regency Regina George: So, JudgyPs, is your hometown still Fleet Week central? No? Must be a real loss for your family.
JudgyPants: We’re doing just fine, thank you.
Regency Regina George: Well I guess you’re probably mad that a certain someone left.
JudgyPants, trying to play it cool: I cannot imagine to whom you are referring.
Regency Regina George: Wicker Man, duh!
Either Regency Regina George doesn’t know the full situation with Wicker Man, or she’s a huge jerk, because the mere mention of his name causes poor Lil Bub to flub a note. Grumpy Cat is about to jump up to comfort her, but he’s too slow: JudgyPants gets there first, and smooths everything over by blaming herself for not turning the page for Lil Bub. I didn’t think Grumpy Cat could be MORE into her, but again, I am mistaken: your man is OBSESSED.
Later, after the Gardiners and JudgyPants leave, Grumpy Cat and Doug the Pug return to the parlor to find the Regency Plastics in full on attack mode. Judgy Pants looks horrible! She’s aged so much! We wouldn’t have even recognized her! What do you think, Grumpy Cat?
Grumpy Cat: She looks the same, y’all are just mean.
Regency Regina George: Well I never thought she was pretty. I mean I guess she has ok teeth? But her eyes are just basic, definitely not fanfic worthy.
Doug the Pug: Well *I* think —
Regency Regina George: I mean remember when we first met her and everyone was like “oooh, JudgyPants, she’s a real snack” and we thought they were all crazy? I mean, Grumpy Cat, you were like the roastmaster general when it came to her! And then you weirdly thought she was cute, but you’re over that, right?
Grumpy Cat: Yeah, I don’t think she’s cute anymore… Now I think she’s one of the most beautiful woman I know!
Bolstered by shutting down Regency Regina George, Grumpy Cat takes himself for a ride to go visit JudgyPants, who, as luck would have it, is waylaid at the hotel by the arrival of not one but TWO letters from Marcia! The Gardiners head out for a walk so she’ll have some time to catch up on her correspondence, which is unfortunate, because the news is BIG.
Letter One:
Dear JudgyPants,
Sorry it took so long to write — babysitting for all the Gardiner kids is friggin’ exhausting.
Anyway, something serious happened, but I don’t want to worry you. We’re all fine! But, well, we got a letter late last night from Baby Bennet’s chaperone. Apparently, she absconded with one of his officers. Yes, you guessed it — it was Wicker Man. We were obviously shocked, except Kitty, who was suspiciously unsurprised.
Hopefully he’s not as much of a cad as he appears to be? Surely he knows dad doesn’t have any money to give him? Anyway, we’re expecting them back from the Vegas of England soon. Gotta run, mom’s freaking out.
Love,
Marcia
JudgyPants/Me/You probaby:
Letter Two:
Dear JudgyPants,
Well, guess what, it’s worse than we thought: they didn’t get married, and apparently, he never intended to put a ring on it at all? Surely he can’t be so terrible!
Well, the chaperone says he thinks Wicker Man can’t be trusted. He and dad have linked up and started trying to track them down. Please, come home as soon as you can, we need more reasonable people in this house.
Love,
Marcia
Resolving to go find the Gardiners so they can head back home directly, JudgyPants almost walks directly into Grumpy Cat, who’s here to visit.
Grumpy Cat: Hi!!! Wait, why do you look distraught?
JudgyPants: I’m so sorry, I have to go find my uncle right away; there’s no time to waste!
Grumpy Cat: Oh no, what’s wrong? Look, I don’t want to hold you up but please let me go get your family, or have one of the servants do it, you don’t look at all well, and should sit down for a second. Can I get a doctor? Can I get you something?
JudgyPants: No, I’m fine, but I just got some horrible news. I’m so sorry, I’m getting all snotty. I just got a letter from Marcia, and apparently Baby Bennet ran off and eloped with friggin’ Wicker Man. And you and I both know exactly what he’s after. I’m so upset, I knew he was awful and if I had just told everyone how horrible he is this wouldn’t have happened.
Grumpy Cat: I am so so sorry. But are we 100% sure they ran off together?
JudgyPants: Unfortunately, yes.
Grumpy Cat: And what’s happening?
JudgyPants: My dad’s in London looking for them, and they want us to come back ASAP so my uncle can help, but like, let’s be real: what can we possibly do to convince Wicker Man to marry her? I’m not sure we’ll even be able to find them in the first place! Baby Bennet is well and truly screwed, and so are the rest of us.
Grumpy Cat: I feel like I’m imposing. And it sounds like you won’t in fact be able to come visit us at Pemberley today after all.
JudgyPants: Yeah buddy, you're not wrong. Please apologize to your sister for me, and try to keep why we’re leaving on the DL?
Grumpy Cat: Of course. Anyway, I better go.
JudgyPants, once he leaves: Well, guess that’s goodbye forever!
Everyone packs up as quickly as possible to head home. Gardinerette tries to convince JudgyPants that, while we might think Wicker Man is the absolute worst, surely Baby Bennet wouldn’t be so foolish. Unfortunately for JudgyPants, she knows better, having had a front row seat to Baby Bennet’s boy-crazy antics over the last four episodes/their entire lives. It seems like perhaps the Gardiners are just trying to make JudgyPants feel better, but let’s be real, it’s pretty bleak. Also bleak? Grumpy Cat’s night, now that he’s stuck hanging out with Regency Regina George, and her not-at-all subtle digs about his very obvious pining.
Back at the Bennet household, JudgyPants and Marcia reunite. There’s nothing new to report, just that Dad is still in London on the trail of the lovers (ugh). Everyone heads in to check on Mom Bennet, who’s under the mistaken impression that if they’d all just gone to Brighton this never would have happened. She’s definitely spinning out, having come to the conclusion that Dad Bennet will find Wicker Man, challenge him to a duel, and get killed. Anyway, she’s a hot mess, and in my not-a-doctor-opinion, seems to be suffering from a multi-day anxiety attack. It’s not great!
At lunch, things get heated. Kitty is annoyed that everyone blames her for keeping Baby Bennet’s naughty plans secret, and frankly doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Boring Stories is blathering on about how they’re ruined and moralizing about their fragile reputations. Marcia and JudgyPants are trying to reign everyone in. Later, JudgyPants corners Marcia for the real, not-suitable-for-the-ears-of-younger-siblings dirt.
Marcia: The chaperone said he did suspect that Baby Bennet had a crush on Wicker Man, but it wasn’t anything worth worrying about. I feel like this is my fault, I convinced you not to tell everyone what we heard about Wicker Man!
JudgyPants: No! We are not victim blaming here, and that includes all of us! The guy is a Grade A jerk, and we’re not responsible for his bad behavior.
Marcia: Baby Bennet left a note before she left… it’s pretty bad.
The Note:
You’re gonna LOL when you find out where I’ve gone; tbh, I’m LOL’ing thinking about you finding out! I’m off to the Vegas of England with my one true love. Don’t tell my family, it’ll be such a fun surprise when I write them a letter and sign it with my new married name! This is the most hilarious prank ever! Anyway, toodles!
JudgyPants: Well, this is ridiculous. But the good news is that at least she thought she was going to get married, that’s slightly better. Dad must’ve freaked out.
Marcia: Oh yeah, everyone did. Anyway, Sir Bill’s wife has been super supportive.
JudgyPants: Yeah right, she’s just happy to see us embarrassed!
Marcia: Ok, well that’s rude.
JudgyPants: Ugh, I’m sorry — I’m just upset because this really puts the nail in the coffin for the rest of us too, ya know?
Fair enough! JudgyPants gets ready for bed and a good sulk when Marcia arrives for some more sister time.
Marcia: So, quick question. Earlier you said that you think that all the rest of us reputationally screwed because of Baby Bennet?
JudgyPants: I mean, it’s not like we were ever playing with home court advantage, and now it’s like we’re a travel team with a broken bus, ya know?
Marcia: I sure don’t: none of those things have been invented yet!
JudgyPants: We’re basically social pariahs: Grumpy Cat told me so himself.
Marcia: Uh, Grumpy Cat? Where does he come into this?
JudgyPants: He just happened to be there right after I found out the news. He was super nice about it, but he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He definitely won’t be coming back, and he’ll make sure Doug the Pug doesn’t either.
Marcia: I never thought Doug the Pug would be back anyway… and you don’t want Grumpy Cat to like you, right?
JudgyPants, LYING: No!
Marcia:
Wait but do you think he’s still into you?
JudgyPants: I don’t know, but he sure won’t be now, and neither will anyone else worth having :(
Later, an unexpected guest arrives at the house. It’s Phil Collins, and unfortunately, Marica and JudgyPants are stuck entertaining him since their parents are off attempting to be solution-oriented for the first time ever and in a depression spiral, respectively. Boring Stories eagerly joins them, while Kitty, the lucky so and so, hides.
Phil Collins: Uh, well I guess I’m stuck with you guys. Anyway I’m here to sympathize at you in a moralizing way that will only make you feel worse. For example, it would have been better if Baby Bennet had DIED.
JudgyPants:
Phil Collins: Anyway, clearly your parents don’t discipline her, but also she seems like she’s just naturally inappropriate. Regardless, I feel so sorry for you, and so does GirlBoss, to whom I told the whole story. We all agree that your prospects are ruined, because, quoth Girl Boss, "who would ever want to associate with you now?!"
Now look: this seems to be pretty on par with complaining about your parents: you’re allowed, but good luck to anyone else who tries it! Yes, JudgyPants came to a similar conclusion herself, but it sounds so much worse coming from the condescending Phil Collins. Need a spot of levity? While JudgyPants is very obviously contemplating stabbing their cousin, Kitty is outside the window doing one of these:
JudgyPants, sick of this ish AND quick on her feet: Well, you’re not wrong, Phil Collins! And we would totally understand if you feel like being here puts you in a bad position. Don’t feel like you have to put your own reputation in danger just for US. A church man can’t be too careful; you wouldn’t want to run afoul of the watchful eye of Sauron, I mean, GirlBoss!
Phil Collins, falling for it: That is so thoughtful! You’re a good egg, JudgyPants. Well, I’m so sorry for your troubles. Bye!
JudgyPants, while Phil Collins drives away: UGH what a jerk! He just came here to rub our noses in it.
Boring Stories: No way, he was being nice!
Kitty, popping up from behind the garden wall: So he’s gone? What a relief! Oh snap, look, it's our aunt from town, hopefully she has an update!
Marcia: Regardless, at least she’ll keep Mom company.
Aunt: Well, I’m here, and I’ve got bad news: bring me to your mother.
And yes, the news is bad indeed. Apparently, now that one “Wicker Man is a garbage monster” domino has fallen, every other bad story about him is coming to light as well. Now, you might think winding Mom Bennet up is a bad idea, but it seems to make her feel better to trash Wicker Man, and he deserves it, so I’m on board. Apparently, he’s been seducing and gambling his way around town, but because he was hooking up with tradesmen’s daughters, their social circle never found out about it. Unfortunately, Mom Bennet thinks the best solution is to force him to marry Baby Bennet, but I have a better idea.
You know who’s not worried at all? Baby Bennet, who thinks everything is all a-ok and that they’ll get married soon. She still thinks the situation is hilarious. At least we get to see Wicker Man sweating it out as he feels the noose of public disapproval tightening, but I’m still holding out for someone to kick his ass properly.
Back at the house, the Bennet gals have received another late night letter, this time from Uncle Gardiner. Dad Bennet is coming home, while Uncle Gardiner stays in town to continue the search for Baby Bennet. Also on the case, unbeknownst to anyone but us, is Grumpy Cat, who, having hunted down Wicker Man before, seems to be making better progress. Once at home, Dad Bennet, ground down by the whole experience, actually apologizes to his daughters and takes the blame for the situation. JudgyPants is trying to be nice by telling him it’s not his fault, but given the fact that she warned him about Baby Bennet not one recap ago, Dad Bennet rightly tells her that he really needs to accept responsibility and be, ya know, the parent.
JudgyPants: Do you still think they’re in London?
Dad Bennet: Yeah, it’s the only place they’d be able to hide out for so long.
Kitty: And Baby Bennet always wanted to go there.
Dad Bennet: Well, at least she’s having a good time then. JudgyPants, I want you to know that you were right, and that shows how smart you are. Anyway, Mom’s still upstairs being dramatic, right? Maybe I’ll try that when Kitty runs away.
Kitty: As if! If I went to Brighton I’d behave better than Baby Bennet.
Dad Bennet: LOL, nice try. No roadtrips, no soldiers, no balls, no dating.
The next day, news arrives from London, and as with everything lately, it’s a mixed bag. Uncle Gardiner says that he found Baby Bennet and Wicker Man, and no, Wicker Man definitely hadn’t been planning on marrying Baby Bennet. However, Uncle Gardiner has struck a deal with Wicker Man. Here’s where it gets fishy. Wicker Man has agreed to the bare minimum financial consideration: just that Baby Bennet will get her fair share of inheritance when Dad Bennet dies, and a relatively small yearly allowance until then. Apparently, Wicker Man’s debt isn’t as bad as we all thought, and Uncle Gardiner even says that Wicker Man will have some money left over to give to Baby Bennet a small income. They’ll get married ASAP in London if Dad Bennet agrees to the terms. Now obviously, this all sounds too good to be true.
JudgyPants: Uh, this sounds too good to be true.
Marcia: Well, maybe he’s really in love with her?
Dad Bennet: Not to steal your thing, but Sure, Jan.
JudgyPants: Either way, they have to get married, but yikes.
Dad Bennet: Yeah agree. I’d like to know how much your uncle had to pay him to make this happen, and how the heck I’ll ever pay him back.
Later that night, JudgyPants and Marcia talk it over.
JudgyPants: Man, I really wish I’d never told Grumpy Cat about this.
Marcia: Why? I’m sure he’ll keep your secret.
JudgyPants: That’s not what I’m worried about! I just… I don’t know why but it bums me out that he’ll know he was right AND be pleased to have dodged the bullet of our family’s shame.
Marcia, a little too innocent: I mean you don’t like him right? If he doesn’t think well of you anymore why would you care?
JudgyPants, oblivious: I don’t know!!! I probably won’t ever see him again but I just hate the idea that he’s out there thinking badly of me.
Will JudgyPants ever get in touch with her emotions so that Marcia has a chance to roast her sister for being so unselfaware? Will Baby Bennet finally feel bad for causing so much sturm und drang? Will everyone end up happily ever after with only one episode left? We’ll just have to watch episode 6 to find out!
Episode 1 Recap: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds
Episode 2 Recap: Wrecking Ball
Episode 3 Recap: Can't Fight This Feeling
Episode 4 Recap: Panic! At The Duck Pond
