Every season, the Drama After Dark team gathers ‘round the (virtual) conference room table to watch the latest and greatest in British dramas. This month, we’re covering a period drama powerhouse that GBH recently brought back to GBH Passport: Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 smash hit that launched a thousand crushes on Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle alike. I’m here to recap the mini-series for both first-time viewers and superfans. Prepare to drown your feelings in the nearest available lake: it’s recap time.

Hey, remember how last week Grumpy Cat tried to propose to JudgyPants after absolutely verbally obliterating her family and her station in life, and ruining, perhaps forever, the happiness of her most beloved sister? And she responded by pile-driving his heart into the dirt? Well, THIS episode picks up right after that happens, and Grumpy Cat and JudgyPants both look wretched.

Grumpy Cat, walking back to GirlBoss’ House:

A young man dances angrily through the halls of a school

JudgyPants, still salty about what Grumpy Cat said earlier:

A woman says "I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?"

Grumpy Cat, realizing he can clarify the whole Wicker Man confusion:

A man dances and sings "I wanna make it right."

CozFitz catches Grumpy Cat on his way in and is, understandably, a little concerned about his cousin’s obviously weird mood. Unfortunately for him, Grumpy Cat isn’t interested in explaining what’s going on: he’ll be in his room, making no noise and pretending not to exist! Just kidding: he’s gonna write JudgyPants a letter.

A cat types rapidly

The next day, JudgyPants escapes the house for a long solitary walk to burn off some of her angst. Obviously, she almost immediately runs into Grumpy Cat. And yes, it’s awkward.

Grumpy Cat: Oh, hi, I’ve been wandering around out here hoping to run into you. Would you read this please?

And with that, he departs, leaving JudgyPants to read the letter in privacy. Here's what it says:

“Dear Judgypants,
First of all, don’t worry, this isn’t one of those 'I love you and you should marry me even though you just said you don’t want to' letters. You turned me down.

A woman says "I respect that."

But I have to respond to what you said earlier, because yeah, if I had just kicked Wicker Man to the curb, that would have been exceedingly crummy of me. So here’s the deal: Wicker Man’s dad was awesome, and a good man; Wicker Man was 100% part of our family, especially after his dad died. My father paid for his education, and wanted to set him up for success. But Wicker Man had grown into a charming cad, and a bad roommate; I can’t even tell you the number of times I came back to find that he had not left so much as a stocking on the door to indicate that he was dishonoring a young lady within.

A man exclaims "You have not done the dishes in five years!" to his companion

When my father died, Wicker Man turned down that church job we set aside for him, and asked instead for an allowance, which I gave him; he said he wanted to study law, but I didn’t believe him even then. Anyway, it seemed like he was out of my life for good; he didn’t work, he just leaned into that trust fund kid lifestyle. But then, something horrible happened. My sister, who is, and I can’t stress this enough, VERY YOUNG, was living in the country with an untrustworthy governess when Wicker Man showed up. He convinced her to fall in love with him, and to elope: she was 15. Thankfully, I happened to arrive in town just a couple of days before the elopement, and put a stop to it/freaked the F out. Wicker Man only seduced my sister to get her money and to get back at me. And THAT’s what happened — if you don’t believe me, CozFitz can vouch for the veracity of the story. I don’t know what Wicker Man said to you, but I hope you will reconsider your opinion of my behavior towards him.

A woman says "We're deep in soap opera territory."

As for breaking up Doug the Pug and Marcia, yes, I did do it without caring about their feelings. It was obvious that Doug the Pug was head over heels for Marcia, but it didn’t seem like she felt that strongly for him. She was so chill that I just assumed she didn’t care that much, which TBH, seems fair. Beyond that, I objected to the marriage because your whole family straight doesn’t know how to behave, and let’s be real, you know I’m right. I do feel bad about one thing: I didn’t tell him that Marcia was in town.

TL;DR:

  • Wicker Man is a perv and a scoundrel.
  • Marcia is hard to read so I’m still assuming she’s just not that into Doug the Pug, but I do feel kinda bad for not telling him she came to visit.
  • Your family is still the WORST :)

Bye forever,
Grumpy Cat”

While she’s convinced immediately re: Wicker Man, Grumpy Cat’s inability to read Marcia’s mind has her furious. How dare he claim to be impartial! In a huff, she walks back to BFF Charlotte’s house, where she finds out that both Grumpy Cat and CozFitz stopped by on their way out of town. Judgypants:

A woman yells "Who cares?! I don't care."

Obviously the letter was a lot to process, but alas, JudgyPants will not have any time for that, because the whole crew has to go over and have dinner with GirlBoss. At this point, JudgyPants is 1000% done with the whole situation.

Phil Collins: Man, GirlBoss really digs you, JudgyPants! And this is the last time you’ll see her!
JudgyPants, sarcastically: Yes, and what a horrible fate; I’ll miss her so much.
Phil Collins, completely missing the point: Oh, my poor cousin, to be so sad!

Inside, GirlBoss talks about how much her nephews love her, and how sorry she is that they’ve left.

GirlBoss: Grumpy Cat, in particular, was in such a bad mood when he left today. It’s because he loves it so much here, obviously. Anyway, you’re boring today, JudgyPants! You must ALSO be sad to be leaving.
Phil Collins: Well yeah, who wouldn’t be!
GirlBoss: You should write home and tell your mom to let you stay longer.
JudgyPants: Uh…. no can do, my papa needs me at home.
GirlBoss: Hogwash! Dads never care about their daughters.

A woman says "All the greats have daddy issues."

Anyway, if you hang out for another month I'll take you to London with me, which is much more proper than you riding alone on the economy plus coach.
JudgyPants: Really, it’s fine, my uncle is sending a servant to collect me at the rest stop.
GirlBoss: Well thank god for THAT. Anyway, feel free to drop my name when you change horses.
JudgyPants: That’s so nice, thank you.
GirlBoss: Sure, whatever, I’m still mad you’re leaving.

The next morning, Char’s sister repacks her trunks last minute because of something GirlBoss said about proper packing. JudgyPants reminds her that GirlBoss is not one of those digital nomad travel influencers, and thus they don’t actually have to do what she says, which is a fair point. While they get ready to leave, Phil Collins gets in one last comment about how great his situation is and how much JudgyPants is missing out. JudgyPants decides to be the bigger person for once, and thanks him graciously, which is probably easier to do when you know you’re about to ride away and not have to see someone again for the foreseeable future.

The carriage ride gives JudgyPants plenty of time to think about Grumpy Cat emoting at her aggressively in soft focus. Soon, however, they arrive at the rest stop, only to be greeted by an unexpected contingent of the youngest Bennets! They’re just as frivolous as ever, which is, at least, consistent. They come bearing news: the soldiers are all leaving for Brighton for the summer, including Wicker Man, who isn’t going to marry the rich ginger strumpet after all! Yay!

JudgyPants, subtly trying to get out of this convo: Yikes, good for her.
Baby Bennet, not getting it: Whatever, we all know he didn’t actually like her, and now he’s single again! Anyway, aren’t you glad your loudest and most obnoxious family members came to meet you for the rest of your roadtrip???

A woman says "this is the bad place!"

Back at home, Marcia is appropriately shocked at hearing the whole story of Grumpy Cat’s proposal. After all, no one except Regency Regina George and his LiveJournal account had any reason to suspect he was into JudgyPants.

Marcia: I kind of feel bad for him!
JudgyPants: Well I don’t; he’ll get over it soon enough. You’re not mad at me for turning him down, are you? Or for being so silly about Wicker Man?
Marcia: No way! How were you supposed to know Wicker Man was such a nightmare? The story is really wild, maybe there was some kind of mix-up?
JudgyPants: I have a bad feeling that there’s no explanation that leaves room for them both to be good people, and unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that means GRUMPY CAT is the good one. Ugh. Anyway, that letter sent me for a tailspin and I couldn’t even talk to you about it? Ridiculous. Hey, do you think we should tell everyone what we know about Wicker Man?
Marcia: I don’t know if we can expose him like that… what do you think?
JudgyPants: I don’t think we can tell everyone — Grumpy Cat didn’t say it was ok to share this info, and it might be bad for his sister. Even if we say something, I don’t think anyone will believe us; no one likes Grumpy Cat around here for some mysterious reason.
Marcia: Yeah, and maybe Wicker Man turned over a new leaf; who are we to get in the way of that?

The next morning, at breakfast, Baby Bennet tries to get JudgyPants to back her play re: begging Dad Bennet to take them all to Brighton for the summer.

JudgyPants: Uh, no thanks! Think about the drama we had to deal with with only one regiment — more soldiers, more problems, I say.
Baby Bennet: More soliders??

A woman says "I'm so thirsty I could drink a horse."

Dad Bennet: Yeah, we’re definitely not going. Man am I glad you’re back, JudgyPants and Marcia.

Outside, the preferred sisters talk about boys. Marcia is still bummed, because she really did love Doug the Pug, and thought he loved her too. Clearly, JudgyPants didn’t tell Marcia about the second half of that letter from Grumpy Cat (maybe for the best, it probably won’t make her feel better). Marcia promises that she’s getting over it, but let’s be real, it’s one of these:

A small child says "I'm fine" and then immediately starts crying

Mom Bennet is also not having a good time. She’s mad that both of her daughters lost good prospects, and angry at Doug the Pug for hurting Marcia. It seems to me that while Mom Bennet is inappropriate at times, she really is trying to take care of her kids, whom she does genuinely love. She just expresses it in the most annoying way possible! Before Mom Bennet can be really worked up into a lather, Baby Bennet runs over with news. She’s been invited to come to Brighton with a family friend and her husband! Hooray! Baby Bennet is busy rubbing Kitty’s nose in her success when wet blanket JudgyPants tells her to cool it: Dad Bennet hasn’t given her permission to go! But Baby Bennet isn’t worried: the highest ranking officer in town was the one to invite her, and it’s pretty hard to say no to that kind of invitation.

JudgyPants isn’t about to let the issue go, and appeals to Dad Bennet. He’s unbothered: Baby Bennet is a nuisance, and he thinks she needs to get her ya ya's out before she’ll simmer down.

JudgyPants: Dad, I don’t think you know how much damage Baby Bennet’s ya ya’s have caused to the rest of us already.
Dad Bennet: Did someone dump you because of your sister? That’s silly: if he can’t handle the heat he better stay out of the kitchen.
JudgyPants: A boyfriend? Me?? Preposterous! No, it’s just generally a bad look to have her behaving like that! And if you don’t stop her she’ll be like that forever, and bring Kitty down with her!
Dad Bennet: Look, yes, you have three very silly sisters, but you and Marcia are awesome, and people will see that. And let’s be real, if we don’t let her go she’ll be an absolute nightmare to be around. The chaperones are solid, and she’s too poor to catch the eye of a gold digger; I think we’re ok.

Later, the whole crew gathers at the chaperone’s house for a going away party, and yes, Wicker Man is there too.

Wicker Man, to JudgyPants: I really will miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
JudgyPants, internally:

A man says "eat [censored]"

JudgyPants, out loud:

A man says "wow" sarcastically

I’m sure we’ll both be just fine on our respective summer vacations.
Wicker Man: How was your trip to GirlBoss’ estate?
JudgyPants: Oh, it was swell! I talked to Grumpy Cat and CozFitz — do you know him?
Wicker Man, sensing that something is up: Uh… yes, sort of? Nice guy! Nicer than his cousin anyway.
JudgyPants: You know, I actually think Grumpy Cat improves once you get to know him better.
Wicker Man: Whaaaat?
JudgyPants: Look, he’s pretty much the same as he always was, but now that I know the full story, he’s grown on me.
Wicker Man: Ah. So you know the full story? Guess I better skedaddle, then.
JudgyPants: Indeed. Bye!

Soon after, Baby Bennet heads off for her Wet Hot American Summer to mixed emotions from the rest of the crew, while JudgyPants prepares to go on a trip of her own with her Aunt and Uncle the Gardiners. As someone who hates the beach (Sand! Sunburns! Seagulls aka winged death!) I think JudgyPants got the better end of this deal. The countryside is absolutely stunning, and we’re treated to sweeping vistas that will do nicely if you’re looking for a picture to put next to "Romanticism" in the dictionary.

Gardinerette: And we’re close to my hometown, which I happen to think is just the best.
JudgyPants: Well then I can’t wait to see it! We're definitely stopping there!
Gardinerette: And, fun fact, it’s only a couple of miles away from Grumpy Cat’s estate, Pemberley; the town is so prosperous in large part because of how the family manages the estate.
JudgyPants:

A man says "I've made a huge mistake."

Gardinerette: I mean, I definitely don’t know Grumpy Cat’s family at all, different circles and all that.

Speaking of Grumpy Cat, he’s engaging in my second favorite period drama man activity after pining: fencing. In fact, he’s fencing as a way to cope with his pining, which catapults him into god tier drama hero territory. Meanwhile, JudgyPants and the Gardiners are having a wonderful time enjoying nature. Gardinerette suggests a quick stop at Pemberley, which is apparently a normal thing to do with giant estates, and not a huge breach of privacy.

JudgyPants: Wouldn’t it be weird to go without an invitation?
Gardiner: LOL, no, visiting big houses is like 90% of our itinerary!
Gardinerette: Yeah, and the grounds are stunning, right, random maid who just walked in?
Random Maid: Oh for sure, it’s amazing.
JudgyPants: Hm, and are the family in residence?
Random Maid: Nope!
JudgyPants: Oh well in THAT case, let’s do it!

Reader, Random Maid and Gardinerette weren’t kidding. The estate is breathtaking. Literally, for JudgyPants.

Gardinerette: LOL I think it’d be worth putting up with a lot of BS to live here.
Gardiner: Yeah well whoever marries Grumpy Cat probably would have to put up with a lot of BS.
Gardinerette: Hilarious, but we’ll never find out; it won’t be anyone we know.
JudgyPants:

A woman makes a face and raises her eyebrows as if to say "yikes."

Well it really is a beautiful house.
Gardiner: Kinda makes that stuffy bore Grumpy Cat seem more appealing, huh?
JudgyPants: Yeah, kinda!

Inside, the whole group takes a tour of the house led by the housekeeper. She points out various views and furniture pieces, including a piano that’s been purchased by Grumpy Cat as a present for his sister.

Gardiner: He’s out of town, right?
Housekeeper: Yeah, but he’s coming home tomorrow night!
JudgyPants:

A woman does a horrified double take while her friend looks on in fear

Housekeeper: He’s bringing a bunch of friends and his sister, who is adorable and a very accomplished musician.
Gardinerette, from the next room: Oh, look, a bunch of family portraits! And this one is of Wicker Man!
Housekeeper: Oh, ugh, that guy — that’s the son of Grumpy Cat’s dad’s steward. He’s sure grown into a scoundrel. And of course that’s my boss.
Gardinerette: Nice! Is it a good likeness, JudgyPants?
Housekeeper: OMG, you know my boss!?
JudgyPants: Lady, you have no idea.
Housekeeper: He’s hot, huh? And he’s also a real sweetheart; all of his employees just adore him. He’ll be a great man. Comes across kinda proud to some folks, but that’s probably just ‘cause he’s shy.
JudgyPants:

A man says "I've made a huge mistake."

Gardinerette: So, uh… that sure sounds different from what we heard about Wicker Man, huh?
JudgyPants: Again, lady, you have no idea.

Does hearing about how great Grumpy Cat is have you longing for the man himself? Well guess what kids: it’s time for THAT scene. The scene that was promised. The scene where Grumpy Cat, overcome with his feelings for JudgyPants, and sweaty from horseback riding, jumps in a lake.

A says "This better not awaken anything in me."

Now personally, I can’t think of anything more awkward than running into someone you’ve been rejected by, and whom you’re still not over, immediately after such a display, so I have to give it up for Grumpy Cat: he handles what’s about to go down pretty well. Half dressed, our hero approaches his own house and practically collides with JudgyPants.

JudgyPants, mortified: Uhhhh, hi. I’m so sorry, we thought you were out of town or I wouldn’t have dropped by like this.
Grumpy Cat: Yeah, I came back a day early… OH, are your family doing well?
JudgyPants: Um, yes! Thanks!
Grumpy Cat: How long have you been in town? I just got here today. And your family is doing well right?
JudgyPants, charmed: Yes, they’re doing great.
Grumpy Cat: Well, uh, bye.
JudgyPants: OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

JudgyPants gathers the Gardiners and tries to get out of there before she has to resume this awkward and slightly mortifying conversation with Grumpy Cat, but she doesn’t quite move fast enough. He runs inside, does a quick-change into nicer clothes, and hurries back.

Grumpy Cat: Hi, I’m sorry for not welcoming you properly earlier. Oh no, are you leaving?
JudgyPants: Oh my god I think I have to?
Grumpy Cat: I hope you like the house?
JudgyPants: Well yeah, how could I not? It’s great, surely everyone agrees.
Grumpy Cat: Yes, but you’re a hard woman to please, so it’s worth more when you like stuff.
JudgyPants: Thanks. Um. These are my aunt and uncle, the Gardiners, Marcia stayed with them when she was in London.
Grumpy Cat, suave as you please: I hear you’re staying in Lambton — what a great town, I used to go there all the time to climb a particular tree.
Gardinerette: I know it well!
Grumpy Cat: Mr. Gardiner, do you like to fish? Because I’ve got a bunch of good fishing spots, you must come over sometime! Here, I’ll show you!
Gardinerette, pulling JudgyPants aside: Uh, excuse you, what the heck? He’s awesome, why did you tell us he was pompous and weird?
JudgyPants: I’m just as confused as you are; I have no idea why he’s acting this way!
Gardinerette:

A hobbit says "alright then, keep your secrets."

Grumpy Cat pulls JudgyPants aside for a stroll, and she again apologizes for being at his house. He’s pretty cool about it — after all, there’s no way she could have known he’d be there, since he arrived by surprise.

Grumpy Cat: Weird question… my sister is coming tomorrow, along with Doug the Pug and Co. — would it be ok if I introduce you to her?
JudgyPants: Yes, I’d really like to meet her, actually!

And after the walk, JudgyPants and the Gardiners leave. But she turns around! In the carriage! To watch him look all dashing while they drive away! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!? Reader, I’ll be honest with you: I’ve never really understood the appeal of Colin Firth, but apparently, much like JudgyPants, I just needed to see him in his natural habitat (the pond at Pemberley), because good grief. What’ll happen to my poor nerves next week? We’ll have to watch episode 5 to find out!

Episode 1 Recap: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds
Episode 2 Recap: Wrecking Ball
Episode 3 Recap: Can't Fight This Feelin