Hey, remember how last week Victoria Mars told her probable new sidekick Glasses that she’d rather eat glass than give a talk to Snooty’s women's group? Apparently our detective friend changed her tune, because this episode kicks off with her attempting to share the highlights of lady detective-ing with Snooty and two of her minions. I say attempting because Snooty, as usual, is so unimpressed that she interrupts the pitch with petty corrections.
Victoria Mars, forging ahead: I think your society might be interested in my career, which is pretty cool if I may say so. Also, not to toot my own horn, but I am the only female detective in the whole city.
Snooty: Which is probably why you have such horrible clients.
Victoria Mars: Pardon?
Snooty: Well I heard the only people who come to you are poor and desperate, and can’t afford to hire a better, more male option!
Victoria Mars: Look, this recapper named my client Desperate last week, not me! Also, I’ve had many clients who are VERY fancy.
Snooty: Sure, but I bet they had cases that were too silly or tawdry to bring to someone else. Just saying: if we endorse you that could look bad for us.
Victoria Mars, who let’s remember, didn’t even want to do this in the first place: Totally get it. Once a reputation is lost it really is hard to get back… which is why you can be sure, Sidekick 1, that I’ll never tell anyone the real reason your son left the navy. Or about your late husband’s debt from gambling and paying sex workers, Sidekick 2! Victoria Mars out!
Heading out into the hallway, Victoria Mars, who’s finally allowing herself to feel her justifiable rage at Snooty, runs into the hapless Glasses.
Glasses: How’d it go??
Victoria Mars:
Across town, things are somehow even less fun for Duke Silver, who’s arrived at some kind of den of iniquity, not to have fun, but to pick up the extremely intoxicated Baby Detective, who’s apparently decided to pull a Sherlock Holmes and get super duper high. Despite loving vices a fair amount, Duke Silver is pretty judgy about the whole thing, and copes by repeatedly dunking Baby Detective into a vat of water until the younger man sobers up.
Duke Silver: Look kid: I don’t care what you get up to off duty, but when you’re working, you are going to show up on time and sober! I’m supposed to turn you into a detective, somehow, and I intend to succeed! Now clean up!
Meanwhile, Victoria Mars heads back to her office, protesting all the while to Glasses at the unfairness of what Snooty said earlier. She’s a good detective, dammit!
Glasses: True, but maybe you shouldn’t have antagonized my aunt. She’d be a bad enemy to have.
Victoria Mars: Please, I’m not scared of her! She’s been mad at me before, and I'm fine.
Glasses: This is different! You embarrassed her in front of her best friends! Sure, she loathes them, but still: she’ll be out for blood, and she’s got connections.
Victoria Mars: Do any of these connections wear top hats? Because there’s a stranger lurking at my office door.
In a fun twist, Top Hat isn’t a friend of Snooty’s, he’s just here to hire Victoria Mars. Why? Well, he’s a partner at a fancypants insurance company, and the previous night a very valuable item was stolen from one of their policyholders. The item? A sketch of a black witch moth drawn by Charles Darwin himself! Given that the famous naturalist just died earlier that year, the value of the sketch has gone up. Considerably.
Top Hat: As you can imagine, we reallllly don’t want to pay out on this policy.
Victoria Mars: Makes sense. Just to be clear, I’ll be charging you my full rate. Because I’m a real professional. For fancy, important clients.
Top Hat: Ok? That makes sense?
Victoria Mars: … good. Tell me, where was the sketch stolen?
You already know where this is going: across town, Duke Silver and his sodden protégé Baby Detective assess the scene of the theft.
Duke Silver: So. The thief only took this drawing, which means they knew what they were doing: it’s the most valuable piece by far. Question is, why leave the frame?
Me, a Bostonian: Because they’re the first in a family of thieves, and one of their descendants will do the same thing at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in about a century?
Duke SIlver: Pipe down, recapper! Baby Detective, what does this tell us? That’s not a rhetorical question, I want your guess. You have to analyze the scene, not just take notes.
Baby Detective, awkward: The fact that they didn’t take the frame means they had time. They didn’t need to smash it and run.
Duke Silver, shocked: Good! What’s this moth called again?
Victoria Mars, making an ENTRANCE: Ascalapha odorata! Found in Central and South America, some cultures think it’s a harbinger of death and destruction.
Duke Silver: Speaking of harbingers of destruction, why are you here? I’m here! Ugh, whatever, we’re leaving. We have clues elsewhere.
Victoria Mars: Interesting. Like what?
Duke Silver: Oh, you want my help?
Victoria Mars: I’m just being polite. Though I guess I shouldn’t be, since we’re evidently competing. Where’s the museum owner, btw?
Duke SIlver: Figure it out for yourself! Toodles!
On the way out, Baby Detective, who has a shocking lack of instinct for self preservation, straight up asks the question we all want the answer to: are our two detectives a thing?
Duke Silver: NO. Also your handwriting is bad, which I’m saying for mentoring reasons and not to distract you from whatever is happening between me and Victoria Mars!
With the men gone, Victoria Mars takes a moment to peruse the rest of the collection until the aforementioned museum owner appears.
Museum Owner: We’re closed, sorry.
Victoria Mars: Oh, I’m not here to admire the collection. I’m here on behalf of your insurance company; standard practice for them to hire an investigator.
Museum Owner, hypocritically, since she is also a woman: And they sent a lady?
Victoria Mars: Seriously, you’re going to be sexist about this?
Museum Owner: No dude, I think they’re being sexist and assuming I’ll be more likely to trust you and reveal that I stole the sketch. I didn’t, btw.
Victoria Mars: They sent me because I’m good at my job. Just like I’m sure you are!
Museum Owner: Ugh, sorry I was rude. I do this by myself and it’s just a lot. The theft happened last night; no sign of a break in, and nothing else was taken. Whoever took it knew what was up: that was the only valuable thing we have here.
Victoria Mars: How did you end up owning the sketch?
Museum Owner, fondly: I attended a lecture Darwin gave a few years ago. I asked a question about the black witch moth, and he very modestly admitted he didn’t know. A couple of weeks later, he sent me a letter answering the question, and the sketch. Thomas was furious.
Victoria Mars: Whomst?
Museum Owner: My jealous husband. He’s a naturalist too.
Victoria Mars: Oh dang, I’ve heard of him! He’s quite impressive.
Museum Owner: Well. He used to encourage my interest in science but as my knowledge grew, he suddenly couldn’t hack it. He wanted a student, not a partner. He resented me for setting up this museum, in fact.
Victoria Mars: And you go by your maiden name… are you divorced?
Museum Owner: Separated. It’s the 1880s, bud. Too expensive, both in money and reputation.
Look, not to be that guy, but anyone else feel like this could be Victoria Mars’ future if she decides to change her mind and get romantically involved with ol’ Duke Silver? Just me? Anyway, Victoria Mars heads across town to speak to Threatened Husband, who is at that moment haranguing an assistant for putting away specimens too aggressively.
Victoria Mars: Hi!
Threatened Husband: Whoever you are, you’re rude. You’re supposed to wait until you’re invited in. I’m going to fire the maid.
Victoria Mars: Ok. Well. Sorry for the intrusion, but I’m hoping you have a spare moment to talk.
Threatened Husband, condescending: I sure don’t! I have a big fancy lecture and I’m behind schedule.
Victoria Mars, trying again: It’s about your wife — I’m trying to find the Darwin sketch that was stolen —
Threatened Husband, interrupting: All that woman wants to do is humiliate me. I talked to the police, and I’m not going to talk to you, whoever you are. If you want to talk to me about my wife, get yourself a lawyer. See yourself out, because I’m leaving!
Elderly Woman, from the corner: I’d say he isn’t always like this, but you and I both know that’d be a lie. Who are you?
Victoria Mars: I’m a private investigator.
Elderly Cruciverbalist, earning a recap name change immediately: So you’re good at clues! Help me with this crossword puzzle.
Fun fact, because you know I just can’t help myself: crossword puzzles actually weren’t invented until 1913, but I’m very willing to forgive the anachronism because this lady is fun as heck: the other way she gets through the day living with the horrible Threatened Husband, who is,unfortunately, her son? Schnapps. In the middle of explaining this, poor Elderly Cruciverbalist starts coughing up a storm, and gratefully accepts a glass of water poured by Victoria Mars, who apparently decides she might as well take a minute to hang with this cool lady, and grabs a seat on a nearby settee.
Elderly Cruciverbalist, lighting up a pipe: Ugh, my poor lungs. Huh, usually people are judgemental about my pipe! I can’t tell if it’s because I'm a woman, or because I’m unwell. Or maybe it’s because I’m German. Lived here for 50 years, mind you, but some people…
Victoria Mars: TBH, it’s probably all three.
Probably! Victoria Mars, sensing interest from her new elderly friend, explains what she’s up to, and in return gets a bit of information about dealing with Threatened Husband. Namely, she’ll need to be WAY more aggressive. Elderly Cruciverbalist, clearly amused by our detective friend, hands her the crossword to finish, and then heads off for a nap. I really hope she’ll be back; this character is just too fun to relegate to only one scene. Puzzle stowed in her bag, Victoria Mars heads back to her office, only to find a truly massive line of people out the door and around the block.
Finally getting inside the office, Victoria Mars, naturally, asks Glasses what the heck is going on. Glasses obviously has no idea — she just stopped by to say hi. Now that Victoria Mars has arrived, the assembled crowd all start brandishing drawings and insisting that they found it. You read that right: they’re all holding up fake (and badly faked, at that) versions of the moth sketch. A bit later, we find Victoria Mars over in Duke Silver’s office, where the two puzzle over the pile of counterfeit sketches. What the heck is happening? Why were they all sent to Victoria Mars’ office?
Victoria Mars: That part I know the answer to. Look at this ad in the paper.
Duke Silver, reading aloud: Stolen: moth sketch. Bring to Miss Scarlet for a big reward!
Victoria Mars: This probably goes without saying, but I didn’t place the ad.
Duke Silver: Yeah, and the sketch is only worth half that; maybe Museum Owner had a lot of sentimental attachment to the drawing and she placed the ad?
Victoria Mars: I don't think she has that much cash. Also, why use my office address? She’s not my client, the insurance company is.
Duke Silver: Yeah, and that’s also weird.
Victoria Mars: Excuse you? Why?
Duke Silver: There must be a reason to hire you specifically. I bet they think Museum Owner did it and they’re assuming she’ll talk to a fellow girl.
Victoria Mars: Ok, let’s go.
Duke Silver: Where?
Victoria Mars: To the reception desk. There’s someone we need to question. He should be here now.
Duke Silver:
Who is it, anyway?
Victoria Mars, delighted to share this annoying news: It’s a journalist from the illustrated crime paper!
Duke SIlver is absolutely GROUCHY to hear this news, and lurks in the background during the interview very petulantly. No, the paper has no record of who bought the ad, which was sent in anonymously yesterday evening.
True Crime Journalist: Anyway, my editor knows I’m the very best at crime coverage and that I would be best able to assist the police when they need it most.
Victoria Mars, on task: Wait, so you got the advert in before the sketch was even stolen!
True Crime Journalist: I’m just so excited to be here to cover this incredible mystery every step of the way!
Duke SIlver, piping up: It’s just a theft. We’re going to solve it, and there will be a very rational, simple explanation.
True Crime Journalist: Charles Darwin! Scotland Yard having to call in a lady detective for help! It’s a great story, dude!
Duke Silver: She’s not working for us.
Victoria Mars: I was hired by the insurance company.
True Crime Journalist: Yes, that's what I’m getting at: you were hired because the insurance company doesn’t trust the cops!
Victoria Mars (and me, TBH):
Baby Detective, arriving with a clue just in time to stop Duke Silver from murdering someone: Boss, I’ve been looking for clues like you asked and I found the address of that art dealer!
Duke Silver: Zip it!
But alas, he’s too late: both Victoria Mars and True Crime Journalist heard that, and neither of them is about to let the cops investigate in peace. Enraged, Duke Silver pulls Baby Detective into the hall to explain that he should never — EVER — share information with anyone but Duke Silver.
Duke Silver: In fact, maybe just don’t say anything unless I actually tell you to. Also: stop using fancy words and stop apologizing all the time! Get me a cab to Bethnal Green.
I’m sure those instructions won’t come back to bite you in the butt later, Duke Silver! Just as sure as I am that Victoria Mars, who exits the interview room a second later, overheard the Bethnal Green part of that comment. Baby Detective, who’s meant to be off getting that cab, is too distracted by Victoria Mars to do anything until Duke Silver, who’s really not happy about ANY of this, snaps at him to go do his job.
Victoria Mars: Can I give you some advice?
Duke Silver, predictable: No.
Victoria Mars, equally predictably ignoring him: You’d do better to give that nice boy some encouragement! He’s a sweetie!
Duke Silver: You’ve never supervised anyone but Ivy, and we all know she’s actually the one in charge most of the time. So keep it to yourself!
Undeterred, Victoria Mars follows him into his office, uninvited, to continue this banter in private. Or more accurately, to pump him for information on the art dealer he’s planning to visit. Does the guy have blackmarket experience? Trading stolen art, perhaps?
Duke Silver:
Victoria Mars: Excellent: I nailed it. I know all your faces, bud! Look, I know we’re competing but we are actually on the same team overall, right?
Duke Silver: We’re only on the same side when it’s helpful to you, and I don’t trust you when you sound all noble like that.
Victoria Mars: Look dude, whoever took out that ad knew exactly when the drawing was getting taken. I need to talk to Museum Owner again, and I’m betting you do too! Why don’t we split up; I’ll take her, you take this dealer, and we meet up later to share what we learned?
Duke Silver:
Victoria Mars: Fine. I’ll team up with True Crime Journalist instead. I bet he would be interested to know everything I’d have to tell him. Like the time you got hammered at work and lost your warrant card!
Duke Silver: How do you find out this stuff???
Victoria Mars: It’s called being a detective, sweetie: look it up!
Duke Silver, kinda over a barrell here: Fine. We can collab.
Having gotten what she wanted, Victoria Mars heads out to talk to Museum Owner, only to find her interview subject in the middle of a heated row with her unfortunately not-ex-husband. The gist? Threatened Husband also thinks Museum Owner stole the sketch, because the museum is failing financially and she needs the money. Lurking in the hallway, Victoria Mars waits until he storms out, threatening to expose his wife’s “crime,” before hiding outside so she can follow Museum Owner later that evening.
Across town, Duke Silver talks to Art Dealer, who’s really trying to pretend he would never ever deal in stolen art, despite having several convictions for doing just that.
Art Dealer: I’m reformed! That was all in the past!
Duke Silver: Yeah, ok. Maybe you can give it a good think and remember all the way back to six weeks ago, when you had your last conviction, and give me a list of names.
Art Dealer: I don’t know anyone!
Duke Silver, looking around the office: So, all of these works on display are fully legit, huh? I might need to check that out, just to confirm.
Art Dealer: You know, now that you mention it, I might know someone! Check in with this guy: he does specialist works, like the one that was stolen. This is his street name.
Duke Silver: The Count?
While Duke Silver prepares to track down a vampire adjacent muppet, Victoria Mars follows Museum Owner to a bar, where her quarry meets with a bearded fellow at a table. Once their business is concluded, our detective friend tries to stealthily follow Beardo, but unfortunately for her he’s more aware of his surroundings than the average character on this show, and pulls a gun on her.
Beardo: You’re following me. Why?
Victoria Mars, not convincing: I wasn’t! I got lost!
Beardo: You were watching me in the bar, so I know you’re lying. Tell me what you want or I’ll shoot you in the head.
Victoria Mars: No you won’t. Because there’s a cop behind you.
Beardo: Do you think I’m a fool?
Duke Silver, perfect timing: Yup!
Now that that’s sorted, the three head inside, where Duke Silver asks Beardo if Museum Owner was trying to sell him the sketch. Does that make Beardo The Count? If so, why the heck didn’t he tell Victoria Mars she had until the count of three (ah ah ah) before he shot her? Anyway, Beardo The Count claims to know nothing about the sketch, but tells them both to back off: he’s from a VERY fancy, very old Hungarian family.
Duke Silver: Well here’s the thing about me: I hate fancy people with connections, so I don’t care.
Beardo The Count: I’m just saying: I have friends in high places.
Victoria Mars: Just answer the question, or my friend here will beat your ass.
Beardo The Count: Ugh, fine: she wanted to buy it, not sell. But I don’t have it.
Victoria Mars: Awful long conversation, if that’s true.
Beardo The Count: She just didn’t believe that I don’t have the sketch, so it took a while to convince her! She thought it was a bargaining tactic on my part; offered me a bunch of mostly worthless junk from her museum. I told her if I heard anything I’d let her know; she’s desperate.
Duke Silver: And have you heard anything? Here’s an extremely thinly veiled threat, in case you were thinking of lying again.
Beardo The Count: Fine. Here’s what I know: Threatened Husband is the kind of guy who pays a lot of money and asks very few questions. If I were looking for that sketch, he’s the one I’d visit first.
Why am I not surprised by this piece of news? Obviously, Duke Silver has a plan: he’ll get a warrant first thing tomorrow to search Threatened Husband’s house.
Victoria Mars: Great, I’ll meet you there.
Duke SIlver: That guy’s already a pain the butt, even without irritating people like you. Let’s keep it simple: I’ll do the search, and fill you in once I find the sketch. I’ll make sure your bosses know what you did as part of the investigation, and you’ll still get paid. Unless you just want to be there for your… ego.
Victoria Mars, unable to resist: MY ego! MY ego? What about YOUR ego!?
Baby Detective, interrupting just in time: There’s a Dutch fella in your office; wants to see you about the case.
And here’s where it gets interesting: said Dutch fella? He’s with the museum’s insurance company. The insurance company that happens to have a VERY different name than the one that hired Victoria Mars not 20 television minutes ago!
Dutch Insurance Salesman: Well, I’ve never heard of this company.
Duke Silver: Whaaat? Describe the man you met.
Victoria Mars: Top hat, small, Welsh accent, birth mark on his forehead.
Dutch Insurance Salesman: No clue who that is, but he sure as heck doesn’t work for us.
Victoria Mars: If you didn’t hire me, who did?
Great question, so the next morning she heads over to the address on Top Hat’s business card to investigate. Unsurprisingly, there’s nothing there but a condemned building. Back at her office, Victoria Mars’ morning is sidelined even more by the arrival of Glasses, who’s very curious about the mysterious Top Hat’s motives.
Victoria Mars: Look, so nice to see you as always, but I’m very busy, so…
Glasses:
It’s such a nice card; look at the embossing. My dad was a printer, you know. I’m passionate about fonts.
Victoria Mars: Oh, well in that case, maybe you can help me figure out who ordered these!
Glasses: Like as your assistant? OMG! I’ll take you to every stationer in town. And on the way I can tell you all the types of calligraphy!
Victoria Mars: Hooray?
In less good news, across town, Elderly Cruciverabilst isn’t looking so hot; there’s a doctor checking her out and everything! Alas, we’re not going to find out what’s up, because her crappy son’s questions are interrupted by the maid: Duke Silver and the boys have arrived to search the place.
Threatened Husband: My mummy is sick! And I’ve said all I will about this; you have no reason to be here!
Duke Silver: Yeah, well I have a warrant, so. Tough taters. I’m gonna need you to cool it.
Is it possible for Threatened Husband to cool it? We may never find out, because at that very moment, young Baby Detective passes the f out in the other room. Luckily there’s a doctor right there, but since Duke Silver has, against his better judgement, gotten attached to the wee lad, he’s in a REAL mood when he returns to the station.
New Superintendent, poking his head into the corridor: So, how’s things? How’s Baby Detective?
Duke Silver, almost tells the truth but ultimately decides to totally lie to his boss: He’s… great! Just dandy.
New Superintendent: Well his dad actually asked me to check on him, is he around?
Duke Silver: Uh. No. He’s out helping me on that Darwin investigation. He’s got a lot to learn but he’s making progress.
New Superintendent: Great. I’ll let the commissioner know!
This will end great, I’m sure! Across town, Glasses effusively questions a stationary shop employee, while Victoria Mars does her best to not crush the kid’s spirit.
Mr. Paper: Aha, here’s our ledger: looks like we sold a booklet last week to a Mr. Reginald Booth.
I don’t know who that is, but Victoria Mars does, and later that night, when she breaks into Mr. Booth’s office we find out too: he’s a solicitor. Rifling through the man’s desk, she finds a file with Threatened Husband’s name on it, and a framed picture of the man we know as Top Hat. Speaking of whom, across town, Top Hat presents himself at the station.
Top Hat: I’m Threatened Husband’s family solicitor. I’m here on his behalf, and I’m supposed to tell you his mother died.
Me:
Duke Silver: I’m sorry to hear that.
Top Hat: She’s been ill for a long time, so it’s not a complete surprise. But still, he’s grief stricken, and requests that you just like… back off on investigating him for a bit. Just be cool, you know? Also he wants me to tell you he’s very rich so he can lawyer up quite aggressively. All future communications should come through me. Byeeee!
Duke Silver: Not so fast. See, I got a description of a man who looks a lot like you earlier. I think you know a friend of mine: Victoria Mars?
Speaking of Victoria Mars, the woman in question is across town, quietly watching Threatened Husband. When he leaves the house, she lets herself in and starts snooping, as one does. Upstairs, she notices a tiny moth (alas, since I am not a noted naturalist, I cannot tell you what kind) which very graciously reveals a clue when it flies into a keyhole in a concealed closet. Thankfully, our friend has lock picks, so she gets to work. Once the concealed door opens, Victoria Mars finds a hidden room that is just chockablock full of framed photos of Elderly Cruciverbalist in exotic locales, and contains a copy of the illustrated crime journal featuring Victoria Mars.
Back at the station, Duke Silver looms at Top Hat some more. Would the solicitor care to explain why he was impersonating an insurance man?
Top Hat: I deny that accusation. Am I under arrest?
Duke Silver: You’re free to go any time. Just like I am free to go ahead and report you to the law society for fraud.
Top Hat: Fine. Look, I’ve worked for Threatened Husband’s family for a long time: first for his dad, and now for him. I’m paid to do the best I can for my client.
Duke Silver: Ok, and what did he want with Victoria Mars?
Top Hat: It wasn’t Threatened Husband who told me to visit her!
Knowing what we now do about Elderly Cruciverbailst, I think we can infer who sent Top Hat to Victoria Mars’ office. It turns out, you see, that Elderly Cruciverbailst was quite the explorer, although her exploits were mostly swept under the rug due to her gender. Victoria Mars explains everything she found to Duke Silver later that evening.
Duke Silver: The lawyer said when her family married her off to her much older husband, he made her stay at home and behave more like a lady. I can see why she liked you. When her husband died, she hoped to rekindle her love for the sciences, but her son was just like his dad; too busy focusing on his career and too threatened by anyone else’s success. If she got Top Hat involved, she must have had a plan, but I can’t work it out.
Victoria Mars: It’s a riddle. Like literally; she loved puzzles. She was working on one when I met her.
Duke Silver: Too bad she died before her puzzle could be solved. It’s super late, we should pick this up in the morning.
Victoria Mars, still pondering the puzzle: Seven letter puzzle…
Duke Silver, with the solve: Anagram!
Victoria Mars, picking up Top Hat’s fake insurance man business card: Exactly. I think I know where the sketch is!
Teamwork, guys: it really does make the dream work! The next day, the two arrive at the museum with True Crime Journalist in tow.
Victoria Mars: Fair to say that your mother in law liked you, Museum Owner?
Museum Owner: Oh yeah. She was the only one in the family who ever treated me well. She came here many times; her son hated it.
Duke Silver: Would she have been able to make a spare set of keys on one of those visits?
Museum Owner: You think she stole from me?
Duke Silver: Yes, but with good intentions.
True Crime Journalists: Ugh, good intentions? Those don’t sell papers, guys.
Duke Silver: We’re getting there! Geesh.
Victoria Mars: Elderly Cruciverbalist hired me using a bogus insurance company. As you know, she liked wordplay: the company name is an anagram for Darwin’s Bust.
And with that, she picks up the prominently displayed bust of Darwin and dramatically drops it on the floor, revealing a rolled up bit of paper. Victoria Mars was right: it’s the sketch. Duke Silver explains further: Elderly Cruciverbalist had hoped that the story would generate publicity to help bring in more crowds to the museum.
Victoria Mars: It’s a feminist story: we’re all three of us women trying to make it in a man’s world.
Duke Silver: She wanted to help you.
Museum Owner: I don’t know what to say.
True Crime Reporter: Don’t worry about it: I’ll write you some killer lines.
Museum Owner, to Victoria Mars: Thank you.
True Crime Reporter: No sweat!
Just a heartwarming story all around, huh? Outside, Victoria Mars admits that Duke Silver was right: she was only hired on the case because she’s a woman.
Duke Silver: So?
Victoria Mars: SO!? I want to be hired because I’m good at my job, not just because I’m a lady.
Duke Silver, weirdly helpful: Look, you are a woman; it’s just something about you. I’m a dude, and Scottish, and young-ish, and I use all of those to my advantage when I need to!
Victoria Mars: How on earth do you use being Scottish to your advantage?
Duke Silver: People reallllly underestimate me at the poker table, especially if they think I’m drunk. What I’m saying is, use what you have to your advantage, like eveyrone else does. That’s life, baybee. Anyway, I need to leave before I get stuck carpooling with True Crime Reporter. Something about that guy just makes me want to punch him.
True Crime Reporter, arriving right on schedule: Oooh, can I grab a ride with you? I can tell you a super fun story on the way.
Victoria Mars, again:
Later, Duke Silver pops into the hospital to check on young Baby Detective. Thankfully, the poor kid will be fine, but the doctor also said he could have died: his heart rate was dangerously erratic.
Duke Silver: I didn’t tell him what I thought caused it.
Baby Detective: Passing out in front of a suspect was horrible, sir. I’m so sorry. I know you have to tell our boss.
Duke Silver, pretending to be cross: Why would I do that? Anything you do, I’m responsible for!
Baby Detective: Look, my dad REALLY wants me to be someone I’m not. He keeps sending me to different places to try and make me fall in line: his boarding school, the navy, and now here. I’ve always been bullied, and that just convinced my dad that I’m an embarrassment to the family. It’s hard to know your own father hates you. The drugs help.
Duke Silver: I grew up with nothing but a daily beating in the workhouse. Everyone’s got hard stuff to carry, kid. Don’t come to me for sympathy.
Baby Detective: Of all the guys I’ve worked for, you’re the most decent one. That’s why I’ll do whatever it takes to make you proud of me.
Duke Silver: So what’s the plan?
Baby Detective: Put me on administrative duty: I’m super organized, so I’ll be great at it. I know I can be a good detective, I jsut need some time to learn the basics.
Duke Silver: Ok. Be on time and ready to work. Also, get a haircut.
Awwwww bonding! Unlikely friendships! Meanwhile, across town, Victoria Mars, returning to her office, spots Snooty, and tries to stealthily head the other way without being seen. Alas, she fails, and is forced to invite Snooty into her office
Snooty: I’ve never been so humiliated. That was unforgivable.
Victoria Mars: I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. But also you started it!
Snooty: You said horrible things! Fake things!
Victoria Mars: True things.
Snooty: I’m going to destroy you! At least, that’s what I thought when you first left.
Victoria Mars: So you changed your mind?
Snooty: I did some research. It seems that what you said was true. So given that you’ve proven yourself, here: these are the men I’ve picked as possible future husbands for Glasses. She’s had no offers, and she’s not getting any younger. I actually think she might be the same age as YOU, so, you know, ancient. Anyway, I want a dossier on each of these men so I can make a call.
Victoria Mars: You want to hire me?
Snooty, barest of nods: Bye.
Victoria Mars: But earlier you said my clients were either desperate or impoverished, and now you want me to work for you? Why me? Why not one of my male colleagues?
Snooty: There’s a good reason I came to you and no one else: you’re the only investigator I know. That’s all!
Now that was an unexpected twist ending! What will these men possibly be like? Will Glasses want any of them in the first place? And will desk duty really be the solution to Duke Silver’s Baby Detective problem? Guess we’ll find out next week!
