In a ‘tsunami’ of bad news, here’s how to talk to kids about anxiety

In times of chaos and uncertainty — whether it’s political turmoil, natural disasters, aircraft disasters, social upheaval — children are listening, watching and absorbing it all. While we, as adults, may struggle to process these events ourselves, our kids and teens are often left with even bigger fears and unanswered questions.

So, how do we talk with kids and young people about what’s happening in the world without overwhelming them? How do we help them feel safe, while also being honest about the realities we face? 

Dr. Gene Beresin, executive director of the Clay Center for Healthy Minds at Mass General and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, joined GBH’s All Things Considered host Arun Rath to help us navigate these conversations and how to best support our children. What follows is a lightly edited transcript.

Arun Rath: I feel like we’ve just got to start right off with social media because some people might keep their kids from it. I think [for] everybody else, there’s no way. Whether they’re disasters or whatever, kids are getting this in their feeds. What are some ways that we can help kids deal with this?

Dr. Gene Beresin: Well, first of all, I think we have to assume that kids of all ages are getting this input. We’re digital hostages, all of us, and we have to realize what they’re getting. I mean, they’re getting a series of very dramatic and scary events from TV, radio, smartphones, social media — and from conversations that they’re hearing around them about everything from rounding up undocumented immigrants, to problems blocking DEI [diversity, equity and inclusion programs], to stopping federal funding, to the pardoning of folks who’ve been violent on January 6th, and worrying about whether they, too, are going to be subjects to violence. And now, this airplane crash, which is just dreadful. You know, it’s like a tsunami.

Let’s look at it in context. The surgeon general in 2021 said that we’re in the midst of a youth mental health epidemic, so rates of depression, anxiety, stress, loneliness and suicide have been increasing way prior to the pandemic. Again, I don’t want to be doom-and-gloom here, but I think we have to deal with reality.

Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean we can’t do anything because I think we’ve all endured hard times. So, one message for the parents and caregivers is: We’ve been here before in various aspects of our history and our country. We’ve been through very rough times. So, with that in mind, let’s look at the kids.

Kids of all ages have three primary questions:

• Am I safe? 
• Are you, the people taking care of me, safe? 
• And, how will this affect my life? 

What we need to do, I think, is address these concerns and questions at various different developmental stages so that we can understand them better and address the issues in a helpful way. I think that’s the challenge for parents and caregivers and all of us who deal with young people.

Rath: I know one of the additional issues being faced on top of that is that when whatever is happening in the news or more broadly, in that social media feed, kids and young people are getting targeted with — pick the story, there’s going to be some conspiracy or a variation on it, which makes it all the more frightening.

Is there a good way to talk to young people about their media diet and how to read these things, or how to counteract that kind of thing?

Beresin: There certainly is. One of the conversations that we need to have as parents and caregivers with our kids is: What, actually, are they seeing on media? I think that we have to really kind of cut back on media of all sorts — whether it’s smartphones, tablets, computers, television — for young children, certainly for preschoolers and for school-age children. We need to put limits on the media.

And we have to be good role models! We, too, have to turn the media off for ourselves because we can be flooded and overwhelmed and then increase our own anxiety by doing that. If they see us doing it, they’ll do it.

With teenagers, though, they are much more sophisticated. They’re going to have much greater access to media — and, particularly, social media. With them, I would say, we should actually sit down with them, watch what they’re watching and listen to what they’re listening to in real time. They’re more capable of nuanced conversations.

We need to know what they’re getting. We need to sit down, and we need to listen to it, watch it with them, and then take a pause and say:

• How do you feel about that? 
• What did you just hear? 
• How valid is that? 
• How does it make you respond? 
• What can be done about that?

I think, in terms of the media, we need to both limit it — for all of us — and then, even for school-aged children, we need to know what they’re using. Parents typically don’t have conversations about the media, but we need to actually do that much more.
Rath: So, when you can: control the inputs, listen and talk. And for younger kids, where you can have some more control, what are the kind of parameters for healthy boundaries around social media consumption?

Beresin: I think that media for younger children and school-aged children, we, as parents and caregivers, need to be media literate and know how to use parental controls and how to control the amount of screen time that they have. Set limits on it. Structure it. Some parents don’t allow their smartphones or tablets in the bedrooms after bedtime because kids will turn them on and use them — and that’s pretty wise for all of us because blue screens actually do keep us awake.

For teenagers, it’s going to be much harder to limit their use. That’s why I suggest that we sit down and watch what they’re watching and have conversations about it because they will have rather unlimited access.

Kids will also have access to media of various kinds when they’re not at home — when they’re at school, at a friend’s house or in various community settings. We need to have conversations about:

• What are you actually seeing? 
• In general, what are you worried about? 
• What are your concerns? 
• What have you heard? 

Let’s talk about this — and understand what their worries and concerns are. We can’t just assume that they’re worried and concerned about the same things that we are.
For example, they may be worried about wildfires in Massachusetts. They’ve heard an awful lot about them in California. There are some parties now that [kids] are hearing about for fundraisers for folks who’ve lost everything out there. We need to know what they’re worried about, and then we need to be able to respond ourselves.

I think another basic principle for adults, especially parents and caregivers, and we’re all under stress right now, is: We need to control our own anxiety first and foremost. It’s kind of like when the flight attendant says, “If the pressure drops, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then help the person next to you.”

We can’t help our kids unless we control our own anxiety, and that is: We need to get information, but not too much. We need to talk with other supportive people in our lives — friends, family, partners. We need to participate in self-care. This is true not just for adults but with our kids as well. That means meditation, yoga, good exercise, good diet, sleep hygiene, journaling, using creative arts, using music — various things that help us all calm down and take care of ourselves.

I think, as adults, we need to be honest with our kids. For example, if they say, “Are you scared? Are you worried?” You’ve got to tell them the truth. If you are, you need to acknowledge it and say, “Yes, I am.” But there are things that we can do about this — and that gets into other conversations that we can have about what we can do.

I mean, at the Clay Center, we say the three Ws:

• What to look for: What are the signs and symptoms that your kids are having problems?
• When to worry: That is if it’s affecting their daily lives, their activities, their friendships, their schoolwork. 
• What to do: How we can help them cope with a world that is filled with uncertainties and scary external forces that they worry about.