Thanks to Donald Trump, parents can tell their sons and daughters, “If you study just enough to get a respectable C average and manage to stay out of prison, you could someday be our nation’s commander in chief.”
Still not convinced? Here are 10 good reasons why I – and you – are qualified to be president.
· I can’t match the president’s Twitter output, but I know how to use spell check.
· My presidency would never propose purchasing Greenland, much less leasing Australia.
· If my capacity for lying rose to 10 fibs per week, I would immediately seek counselling and order myself strapped to a lie detector 24/7.
· My economic theories are not based on gut feeling or the advice of a Russian oligarch who always pays his rent in cash.
· My administration’s vetting process would specifically state: Never hire anyone who’s been arrested more than three times on “Cops.”
· Not only could I comprehend simplified information my aides feed me in short bullet points, I can read title pages AND tables of contents.
· I could intellectually go toe-to-toe with Vladimir Putin without revealing my Oval Office pass code is TheDonald007.
· Anyone can announce a “phenomenal” new healthcare plan and never follow up on it. At minimum I would propose coverage for preexisting itching.
· I would appoint an EPA secretary who doesn’t get aroused by the words, fossil fuel.
· Unless I’m playing tag, I would never say, “I am the chosen one.”
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”
