Ever wonder what a truthful Trump would sound like. Let’s pretend for a second that someone slipped Sodium Pentothal into his cheeseburger. We might hear the following:
"The day Jared Kushner showed me how to get free HBO from Cablevision was the day I decided he could have any job he wanted."
"Betsy DeVos would’ve made a great dean at Trump University."
"I was going to fund Meals on Wheels until Reince Priebus told me it wasn’t a NASCAR event."
"Steve Bannon did a great job on the National Security Council. Did you see the way everyone’s eyes rolled out of respect for him?"
"Why waste money on a health care plan when you can watch Dr. Oz on TV for free?"
"Just because I can’t identify a country on a map doesn’t mean we shouldn’t invade it."
"I think the Library of Congress would be a great site for my next hotel."
"Sean Spicer could learn a thing or two about toughness from Melissa McCarthy."
"I would’ve been a great Roman emperor. Plus, in a full robe, I’d never have to hold my stomach in."
"Under Trumpcare if you like your undertaker, you can keep your undertaker."
"Here’s how it works: If we have to blame someone, our first choice is Hillary, then Obama and then Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"This criticism is so unfair. Who among us hasn’t been blackmailed by Russian oligarch?"
"Sure, I’d love to attend more security briefings but somebody has to choose the draperies for my new hotel in Kazakhstan."
"Our tax reform proposal is great. I should know; I’ve thoroughly read the title page."
"It’s not a toupee. They’re genetically modified follicles developed by Archer Daniels Midland."
Long-time comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and many others.
