Do Not Pass Go: Interview With The Monopoly Thimble

ap_17047547348557_wide-796938562f0188079aebda54cc4e05ee9d4ac95d.jpg — Hasbro has announced that the thimble will no longer be a part of Monopoly. The thimble is very sad, according to an interview we imagined.

February 16, 2017

Perhaps nobody cares about their clothes anymore.

Back in 2013, Monkey See brought you an exclusive interview — "exclusive" in the sense that it happened only in our minds and we therefore were the only ones who knew about it — with the iron, just after Monopoly announced it was being retired from the game. During that interview, the iron darkly alluded to a difficult history with another game piece: the thimble.

How the worm has turned.

Today, we learned that Hasbro is discontinuing another piece. And wouldn't you know it? It's the thimble. Eager for the inside scoop, we reached out to the thimble — again, inside our fever dreams — and got the latest.

Monkey See: This must be a really hard day for you.

Thimble: You know, I've spent my career protecting other people from pain. It's my whole purpose. I stop the hurting. But today, I must admit: I feel it.

How did you find out?

I saw the writing on the wall for a while. They gave me a performance review last year, and ... you know how they give you a check, or a check-plus, or a check-minus? I only got a check for Builds Brand Loyalty. I've always gotten a check-plus! And I got a check. It really hurt. And no thimble can stop that kind of pain. Because it's on the inside. Of my heart.

You have a heart?

It's a metaphor.

Why do you think people didn't vote for you?

Well, I'm really not sure. When it happened to the iron, I assumed it was his personality. People still iron things. The "obsolete technology" thing was such a dodge.

Really? What do you think was the problem?

I don't want to get into it, but I just ... let's just say he got a check-minus for Creates Collaborative Spirit.

Did the two of you have some kind of an issue specifically?

We were friends originally. Had a lot in common. One day we were doing a team-building exercise, and under "Pet Peeves," he put down "wrinkled shirts." And he looked over and saw that I put down "socks with holes in the toes." And it was clear that, you know, as far as priorities, we were simpatico.

How did that end?

He just wasn't very flexible. And I found his personality a little bit flat.

Oh ... is that a pun?

I'm trying to stay positive.

Let's move on to your future. What do you see yourself doing?

Well, there's still a pretty vibrant community around crafts. Don't underestimate them. People still sew. Have you heard of Pinterest?

I have, yes.

It's been really good for me. People make things, and they sew, and they still have fingers. They still need to protect them.

Do you have any plans to reach out beyond crafting?

Well, I've been thinking about a line of measuring spoons. Like, a series of thimbles in increasing sizes? Like, a quarter-teaspoon, half-teaspoon, all the way up to a thimble that holds a whole cup. Giant one. Big guy.

I have heard the expression "a thimbleful."

Yeah, I find it a little belittling sometimes, but it is what it is.

So do you know yet what might replace you?

I don't. They're letting people vote. The iron was replaced by a cat, did you know that? Like, there was already a dog, and then people also wanted a cat. Maybe they're just voting for what's in front of their faces. Maybe I'll be replaced by a Big Gulp or a cell phone charger that only works about half the time. There's a possible new token that's sliced bread. Did you know that? Sliced bread. What kid ever yelled, "I want to be the bread!" That wouldn't happen. That's ridiculous.

You sound a little bitter.

I'm not bitter. Look, life goes on. It's a dangerous world. But one of the new tokens you could vote on was one of those record players with the big horn things on it, you know? Like teenagers are listening to those. I'm way less obsolete than that. And there's a hashtag! And that's not a thing! We were things. Dog. Shoe. Iron. Wheelbarrow. How do you put a hashtag in jail? A smiley face can't build a hotel! You can't rent from a poop emoji!

There's actually not a poop emoji.

There's a flip-flop. That might as well be a poop emoji. Have you seen people's nasty feet?

All right. I didn't mean to get you worked up.

I just care about tradition.

Is there anything you'd like to say to the iron?

Look, the iron ... I wish the iron well. He's not the worst thing in the world. It's not like he's the top hat.

Wait, the top --