SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
You ever notice how, as humans, we can be so confident until romance comes into the picture, and then we get weird?
ALLISON RASKIN: Relationships and especially romantic relationships can sort of ignite anxiety in us even if we don’t necessarily have anxiety in other aspects of our lives. And I also think just being in relation with another person can be really confusing.
DETROW: That’s Allison Raskin, mental health advocate and author of the book “Overthinking About You.” She spoke with Marielle Segarra, host of NPR’s Life Kit. Here’s Marielle.
MARIELLE SEGARRA, BYLINE: Many of us have been taught that we’ll have all of our physical, emotional and social needs met by our soulmate or romantic partner, you know, the one. And if you think about it that way, a date feels like an audition for the role of your everything. No pressure, right? Allison Raskin says, one way to protect your mental health while dating is to keep it in perspective and really interrogate some of the things you believe.
RASKIN: Because if you believe that one rejection off of a dating app means you’re never going to find anybody and that you’re completely unlovable and you’re going to be alone forever, then engaging with a dating app is a really high-stakes activity.
SEGARRA: So, OK, we’re keeping things in perspective. She says it also helps to remember that dating is not a game where there are winners and losers. A date is just an opportunity to get to know another person and ask, are we a fit?
RASKIN: So it’s not that I’m better than you or you’re better than me. It’s, is there something between the two of us that is worth building on? And so then if you have something not work out, it’s not because you’re the worst or they’re the worst, even. It’s that you weren’t able to get there together.
SEGARRA: Another suggestion - Allison says, if you’re someone who tends to overthink things or move too quickly in the early stages of dating, you might consider dating multiple people at once.
RASKIN: You know, I definitely had a history of that, where I’d have one date, and I would, like, be planning our wedding in my head, and that would put a lot of pressure on the relationship. And so I think it can be useful to sort of keep things open, to not put all your eggs in one basket and to let things progress maybe at a more neutral speed than your speed or, you know, like, a balance between the two of your speeds.
SEGARRA: Of course, you’ll want to communicate that with the folks you’re seeing, especially if you’re being physically intimate. Make sure you’re on the same page about whether you’re exclusive. Another maybe surprising tip from Allison - you don’t have to share every detail of your dating life with your friends.
RASKIN: When we do that, it becomes really important in our brain because we’re talking about it all of the time. But if we can take a step back and instead say, I’m not really going to share until this is something worth sharing, then in our brain, it’s like, oh, OK, the stakes of this first date aren’t astronomical because I haven’t told 15 people about it.
SEGARRA: All right, so let’s say the first couple of dates work out, and now you’re in a romantic entanglement. How can you figure out if it’s mentally healthy for you? Allison says one indicator...
RASKIN: If you like the person that you are when you’re around them - so I’m making my funniest jokes, I’m sharing my most insightful thoughts, I’m my full self - so really looking at, like, who are you when you’re with this person? What side of you do they bring out?
SEGARRA: If, on the other hand, they consistently bring out your fearful side or your insecure side or you just feel ill at ease after spending time with them, that’s information. And maybe it tells you to keep playing the field. For NPR News, I’m Marielle Segarra.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
